


Parasite Eve

by rushifaas



Series: Unholy Dedications [1]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: F/M, M/M, Set after the movie, Slow Burn, a shared geass??, also trans lelouch, c.c. feels something for girls apparently, can't list them all lol, gods this will be a dumpster fire, just a heads up., lelouch has D.I.D because its a personal hc, lelouch has so much to deal with, pining tho af, please be kind i am baby., therapy thanks to earl of pudding, this time lelouch doesnt resort in shadows, will add own stuff like BONDING
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 45,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26197591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rushifaas/pseuds/rushifaas
Summary: *AS OF OCT 10 2020, ARC 1 IS DONEPlease, remain calm, the end has arrived.We cannot save you, enjoy the ride.This is the moment you've been waiting for,Don't call it a warning, this is a war.or: things aren't getting better after l.l. and c.c.'s leaving.
Relationships: C.C./Kouzuki Kallen, Kouzuki Kallen/Gino Weinberg, Kururugi Suzaku & Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia, Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia
Series: Unholy Dedications [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1921294
Comments: 46
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 'When all the king's sources and all the king's friends don't know their arses from their pathogens.'  
> \- Parasite Eve; Bring me the Horizon

c's world was unkind, voices whispering in hushed voices while the screams were the loudest. in a sense, the former demon emperor quietly mused, he understood despite the growing sensory overload that pounded in his brain. in the midst of his pristine white emperor garb he chose to sit on the gravestone ( hm, where did  _ this _ come from ) with his amethyst eyes observing the wisps of clouds that often linger, to observe the circular sphere of black and lingering emotions of hatred that created it.

he supposes hatred would be the proper term, feeling his heart (  **_hm, yes, he didn't feel it beat that fast in so long_ ** ) flutter at the thought. hatred was one thing he understood in all his life besides love that he couldn't ( no,  _ shouldn't _ ) dare touch. how long was he to remain here to watch the collective souls wail, how long was he to be reminded of the sins he did? the truth that he carries heavily in his jaded heart which he wished he could let tumble out of his lips. not to mention a flash of angry then stoic emerald dives into his brain and in result he bites his bottom lip.

there was no pain. 

of course there was no pain here in c's world. the only pain that existed was emotional, as God possibly didn't care for anything else. it certainly made his ( overtired ) brain wonder what else was there.

he won't admit to wanting some company, he won't admit to his loneliness. it was honestly too late for that, yet he wonders. he contemplates. he has an internal debate. this takes some time -- per usual.

"oh, lelouch. you're still beating yourself up." he tenses. flowers. laughter. innocence. everything the white knight loved, everything he couldn't be -----

**( you'll never be loved. you are a mistake. you were removed from the world in the end as planned. right su -- )**

lelouch could see the white feathers lazily fall to the ground? and her weight leaning against him. heart stops. breath caught in throat. amethyst widens.

was God torturing him for being so awful? for being the true epitome of human duality? to feel her, to scent her -- it truly was torture. so why? did he gain no peace when he was buried under the earth, locked in a wooden coffin with flowers of forget-me-nots and honeysuckles? 

"lelouch," her voice tender as her eyes were gentle, "this isn't a cruel trick." her voice was quiet as if she were trying to be uncaught. his brows furrowed. was she not to be here? 

"eu… euphemia." his voice was hoarse, broken, small. when was it the last time he spoke? he can't recall ( besides the gasping and hushed tones of the whole world watching, a black coming closer and -- ) much anymore. "yes, lelouch. you're stronger than this. you need to go back soon, you need to make sure what we both wanted won't be in vain." her voice filled with love, gentle hand placed over his own. 

small, pale compared to his. 

his hand trembles, how…

"you can't be here. you were meant to be elsewhere. so wake up soon. just try harder. tell  _ him _ that it's okay to move on." 

his heart lurches, stomach churning. tears threatening to form. of course, even now --

"e-euphy…" what was there to say? why did it hurt? what else could he possibly say without sounding like a bumbling fool? 

"wake up, lelouch. you're dreaming." her voice was gentle when his face screws up with an emotion he didn't know was fear. dreaming? what does she mean? he was dead, lost in the realm of nothing with the terrors of charles lingering in his ( shadowed ) steps. 

her hand moves from his trembling one to his cheek. comforting, the scent of jasmine flowers and nature overwhelming him.

"please. for the dreams  **you and i** wanted, please. try to fix it. do what you can, lelouch." she presses her lips against his temple, "do what you must… i  _ understand _ now. just don't bear it anymore on your own."

her voice was fading, lelouch starting to feel his heart race. panic? she was there but his hearing was failing him. 

_ no, don't leave me all alone.  _

his thoughts were fleeting, useless, worthless. but she remained even if he couldn't hear, couldn't see. he feels himself falling ever so slowly with his eyes closing against his will.

what was happening? what could possibly be causing fear to twist in his gut? wha….. shou…. do….

\--------- 

c.c. watches as suzaku scrutinizes her with a look of anger, a look she knows too well. yet, she doesn't care as she was perched upon the statue of lelouch, vibrant yet cracked porcelain for the affections and love he never got.

the love he was denied. 

"why are  _ you _ here?" teeth grit, fists clenched. he does not want to see her. it's been several months since zero requiem came into play where nunnally did her best to appear as a capable empress, to be the angel compared to the demon that ---

~~ ( anger seethes in his fractured heart, but there is agony and an ache that wishes to make itself known. but he pushes it down as he remembers the laughter of spring, the scent of flowers and white bundles of love that embraces him on bad days and he crumples ) ~~

\--- his eyes snap to attention as the damned witch pushes herself off the statue, heels clacking when she lands. amber hues were empty as she turns to stare at the sculpture, to tilt her head as she thinks.

suzaku doesn't have time for this with his hand already gripping the hilt of the blade ( the same blade that kisses the body of lelouch, easily lodging into the frail porcelain skin with crimson dirtying the white like a sinner desperate for salvation ) that was on his hip.

zero did not care, suzaku did even as c.c. lets out a scoff. 

"how boring. is violence all you know?"

yes, the answer unspoken yet she knows. she also knew if kururugi had the boiling emotions once before, he would have snapped. ignited the flame and spit out fire to defend himself. now, he doesn't care. he just wants her gone.

"i lost lelouch," or l.l. as he called himself after the whole ordeal with nunnally's capture. 

_ what? _

suzaku grits his teeth, his heart still unsure how to feel about him. lelouch left them, didn't stay.

"he died, was killed. it was accidental. but he hasn't returned again." but c.c. didn't know how this truly worked. in fact, she did experience fear when he laid dead again in his gothic attire, fear as she panicked. it had been so fast, they didn't see it coming. the knightmares that belonged to a britannian command. that's all she could recall since it was fast, lelouch protecting her while using his power of geass to attempt to turn the tide.

c.c. inhales as she turns to suzaku with amber eyes glowing, "i do have his body but he hasn't woken." she rectifies as she approaches him, the immortal uncaring as he unsheathes the blade. in fact, she rolls her eyes.

"i want  _ nothing _ to do with him. i don't want to see him." a lie, one he tells himself even as he'd sob against the empty grave that once held his body. lelouch would never understand that suzaku wanted to be  _ needed _ . not for the zero requiem, not for taking down the old world. 

just something he briefly let his heart wail in agony, to admit his emotions were far more than hate. how he wanted to keep lelouch there before leaving yet again. to hear he was dead hit his stomach. it was just him being a knight helped him keep the composure. 

( self destructive. hypocrite. ) 

c.c. laughs, empty and almost enough to cause suzaku to shudder from how eerie it sounded. "i'm giving you his body to care for until he wakes up. no one dares go inside the emperor's old castle, like a haunted house that held many ghosts that dared eat you whole.

suzaku's blood ran cold.

giving him lelouch's body.

until he wakes up.

was c.c. mad?!

( a foolish question, a question he knows the answer to. but it doesn't unease the fear, alarm in his heart )


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes trauma can leave you in a horrible state, also, lelouch here does have D.I.D. ( a personality disorder) which will be revealed later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://64.media.tumblr.com/ff8618bb27b5ef75436e0b878bc143fd/036693fecd20942e-80/s1280x1920/16ef96242615cae07ef1fe32d599d48271b6cc4a.png
> 
> decided to put art of what the lelouch would be like, from this story. there will be art pertaining to this story! yeah. lelouch has freckles.
> 
> and a day early! got so much sleep so it was easy to work on this all night to the morning. please enjoy!

_ Quarantine all of those secrets in _ _ that black hole you call a brain before it's too late. _

\---------

lelouch laid there on the unused bed of the room the emperor once resided. c.c. didn't give him much of a choice when she, hours before, barged into the palace with lelouch's body in tow, muttering comments about how ridiculous this was. suzaku scowled as he had followed her, offering no words as she did what she pleased. 

but now he stood there with his eyes glaring at lelouch's relaxed face. how could he seem so peaceful despite those hands that had blood on them? 

numbness had been the only defense against the pain he carried, always hiding it from those who once cared for him. still cared for him ( nunnally knows he is zero, she was always smart and perceptive ). that doesn't matter now as he's faced with emotions just when he was imprisoned underground. the anger. the betrayal.

(  _ i am such a hypocrite _ )

a small voice laughs in the back of his head and it takes all his willpower to push it back. the voice of reason was always there to mock him, the voice of reason having the same voice as the best friend he remembered as a child. the best friend that declared war on britannia when they were so young, the best friend that had anger spark in his eyes that it nearly made  _ him _ recoil.

the best friend he should have killed when he got the chance when the bullet pierced the mask of zero. he recalls his hands shaking, body trembling as the gun was pointed at lelouch's forehead. 

( nothing that happens now is any of  **your business** .  _ your very existence is a mistake _ !  **_you_ ** have to be  _ removed _ from the world! )

those words left a dry taste in his mouth when those words scream in his mind. he remembers lelouch's reaction, uncaring if it triggered him. the murderer was someone he knew and the cause of euphemia's end. 

(  _ water under the bridge _ , gods how he detests those three words. how could lelouch just come off like that without any issue, without the fact suzaku  **longed** for him to be close? )

"i hate you," he breathes out as he sets the cursed zero mask on the elegant writing desk, "i hate you so much." he repeats, breathing deeply to calm his racing heart. suzaku doesn't look at lelouch but at the items on the desk. writing quills, closed ink bottles, battle logs, letters and some photos of them as children. photos of them at ashford where they dressed up as felines, a time where he was easily emotional. a time where he had been so blissfully unaware of his future.

even through all his stress and pain, suzaku sits at the edge of the silken covered bed only to stare blankly at the walls. all he could feel was the numbness that plagued his nerves, the void in his chest that ever seemed to get bigger and the voice that whispers in his ear.  _ look at lelouch _ says that voice,  _ why hate him  _ **_now_ ** ? "shut up." voice but a mere mumble, suzaku buries his face into his hands. he's  **absolutely** justified for taking these feelings as far as he did. for all the horrible things lelouch did, suzaku could feel only a loathing of disgust.  _ you're no different _ buzzed the voice in his head which causes gloved fingers to dig into his face.

"no, no. this isn't about me. i didn't see people as pawns." _ but didn't you? you used people left and right to get where you are today.  _ "stop. don't use his voice, not in my head." was his forced reply as teeth were grit and limbs shaking. the voice fell quiet as suzaku curled his fingers into his messy hair. he's far from surprised when that happened, experiencing it days ago after he killed lelouch. 

_ ( the red was so beautiful on him, even as he staggered forward. he wanted that hand to be on his actual cheek, wanted that hand to have burned his skin by mere touch. lelouch was no god, no angel like euphemia but he might as well been hell itself. suzaku wanted to dive in after with angry tears coating his face and morales be damned. but he doesn't think anyone else knew what being lelouch was like. ) _

"you look like a mess." 

_ "u g h." _

the sound of c.c.'s heels clacked against the tiled floors, announcing her presence with the smell of pizza coming afterwards. "hello, to you too." she simply commented, sitting next to lelouch with her right leg shifting over her left. "bastard seems a little peaceful, huh? maybe we can draw on his face." muses c.c. which suzaku shot her a glare. he shouldn't have expected any less from the damn witch but it didn't make him hate her any less. because of c.c , lelouch spiraled down into depravity and lost his humanity in the process. because of this damn witch --

"oh, don't blame me for your issues with him." c.c tossed the empty box onto the ground after finishing her last pizza, bringing her legs to her chest. "you two are tied to each other, something i wished i had." she bluntly continues. even if she and lelouch had their own moments with their connection, there wasn't an ounce of intimacy between them. perhaps it's because he didn't view them this way considering they belonged nowhere. her golden eyes watched suzaku tense, going rigid as she says that. "honestly. you are so pathetically stupid. was the pink princess all you loved?" c.c. snorts, the sound of the mask colliding against white walls echoed after -- not to mention barely missing her by a hairs breadth.

amber eyes roll, "ever so melodramatic. does he chill you to the bone? does he ignite the fire within'?" she leans back to rest her head on lelouch's lap, noting how suzaku wanted to lash out at her. what a troublesome boy! he honestly should just come to terms with his feelings in his heart but alas, humanity made everything complicated for themselves.

not that she cared. humanity always repeated the same song and dance as long as she could remember.

"get out."

"hm… no. don't you have a job as zero tomorrow?" 

"not your business."

c.c. hears suzaku get up from the bed, the weight leaving the bed. she closes her eyes when suzaku heels clack against the floor as he picks up the cursed zero mask. she smiles ever so slightly when the sound of the door opening and clicking closed follow after. 

"oh, lelouch. you two surely make everything interesting. how would you feel when you wake up here? you are taking so very long."

\---------

"i understand that you wish to gain some leverage with the rebuilding of our homes, but you must understand that we all need to share resources." nunnally announced at the meeting, with zero behind her just in case. she was nervous to face everyone here with the rebuilding of their destroyed homes, since everyone had their own priorities. "but you must understand that no one here deserves more priority than the other. we need to share resources so that none of us can lag behind." the empress adds on with her hands shaking in her lap. despite the steadiness in her voice, she was truly thankful for zero's presence. 

cornelia scowls, "with all due respect, britannia needs to be rebuilt so we can get back on our feet. surely, you must understand that we suffered much casualty." her voice was of venom, eyes clouded. since euphemia's death and the cursed geass she truly could not trust anyone. geass was the bane of man, she wanted to do everything to purge it from the world. men shouldn't have power to control or the power to bring the world to its knees.  _ lelouch _ , she thinks bitterly,  _ you destroyed everything i loved. _

"well, with all  **due respect** ," ohgi responds with narrowed eyes to the britannian blood, "you can wait for your precious superpower to be rebuilt. the japanese and any other nations you controlled need resources to get back on their feet."

"and cornelia," kaguya giggles, "you and your siblings aren't that important to have britannia be rebuilt faster than any of us." her sly green eyes sparkle as she hid a smirk behind her sleeve. kaguya watches with hidden glee as cornelia had a literal vein pop on her temple, seeing the woman's right fist curl up. "oh, are you upset? you should remember that we  _ work together _ so no one gets left behind." a sweet smile, watching as cornelia was looking like she was to explode.

nunnally sighs internally, watching them squabble. she knew this was inevitable from the start, her lavender eyes wishing to glare at her older sibling. her right hand grasp at the hems of her dress, attempting to remain calm. ever since the meeting of her brother being alive once, nunnally had resolved herself to try harder and follow lelouch's legacy with a gentle touch.

"enough," she finally says in a loud, clear voice, "cornelia, you cannot demand heavy resources. china and japan, along with euro-asia, wish to rebuild due to the previous dominations britannia has done." eyes narrow towards the older woman, "if no one else rejects to it, japan and china can exchange resources, then euro-asia and britannia can get what's needed afterwards. considering the damages many decades ago, rebuilding nations from tyranny is priority." her eyes met with the angered woman, who was glaring at her in return but nunnally didn't back down with her own level stare.

zero, could at least be proud of the progression that nunnally has made during the past months. the past months lelouch could have stayed (  **_shut up, stop thinking about it_ ** ). though his attention snapped into focus as cornelia stood up from her seat with anger in her eyes. 

"have you forgotten the power our family once had, nunnally--"

"that's  **_empress nunnally_ ** , cornelia li britannia."

"---  **empress nunnally** ," her voice was scorned, "why should we be reduced as commoners while others gain more priority? do you not agree britannia have heavy casualties from the war that damned demon emperor left us?!"

"oh,  _ i apologize _ , you mean the wars you and the rest of the britannian family - excluding a few - have started to oppress people?" 

zero placed a hand on the hilt of his sword when the woman also was reaching for hers. nunnally had struck a nerve, oghi and kaguya getting up with their own shouts following after. everyone should have known cornelia wouldn't let old ways be easily tarnished, an example of those unwilling to move forward. zero moved when she did, his blade clashing with hers before she reached nunnally. 

_ what a fool _ , zero thinks as he forces her back without a care to the expression on her face. when he does, cornelia skids back and straightens with a scowl. she even ignores the shouts and comments directed to her actions, "so, zero. always there to get in my way." cornelia relents as she sheaths her blade once more, remembering when lelouch had begged her to save nunnally. her eyes narrow at zero - wondering if lelouch was hiding behind the mask, only to recall her foolish little brother wouldn't ever be so athletic. 

"zero, please come back to my side. i've decided this meeting is over." zero sheaths his blade as well upon hearing the empress' command, taking a step back before jumping away to land next to his empress. without much else to do, the young empress sighs and backs away on her wheelchair so she can depart before the others. if anything, she desired to get to a much more peaceful area before cornelia wished to pour more fuel to her own fire. now that her mind wanders, where was schneizel? 

\---------

lelouch was and still is wandering in the c's world, though he was struggling to not disappear like his damned parents. ever since his meeting with euphemia ( was it truly her and not his mind playing tricks? ) he was trying to find a way out. what boggled him was that he couldn't remember much besides suzaku ( zero ) impaling him that certainly led to his death.  _ ah, suzaku, _ his mind had a feeble voice as his memory of the anger his former childhood friend had ran deep even to  _ use him _ to end the suffering. lelouch considers that was his own cross to bear, one that he could never let suzaku understand. who was he to deny pain of others despite the methods of using and tossing away pieces to reach the end goal?

he stops momentarily to gaze at the menacing dark sphere that seemed to follow him no matter where his destination went -- or rather, was it always there regardless of his steps? it didn't matter the location since that sphere causes a ripple of fear to spread in his body. his father's laugh (  _ so disgusting, so cruel, void of love for other _ s ) resonated each time he glanced at it, the hairs on the back of his neck would rise. lelouch remembers rejecting charles and his mother, the bitterness pools in his stomach.

**used** ,  _ used _ ,  **_used_ ** . 

his existence would never have allowed for a tomorrow with nunnally, a nuisance to the world. at least he understood suzaku's want to die each time he threw himself into battle, the sins and guilt over time became too much to bear. 

"your existence was never a bother, lelou." 

the scent of jasmine, the feeling of warmth and love that carried in her voice brings lelouch out of his brooding. once again, the former emperor stumbles when he is caught off guard. as there was nothing to hold onto he fell onto his hands and knees, grunting in annoyance for the display. this was short lived when he sees  _ her _ settle in front of him, her hands helping him lay on his back with his head on her lap.

"euphy."

"you seemed so alone, so i came here to give you company."

"but how? why just you…" 

euphemia hums in thought, fingers running through his dark hair, "i think it's because you were suffering, lelou. you're holding onto something that is dragging you down." her voice was gentle as were her fingers, almost like an angel protecting him from all the evil here. lelouch frowns, "nothing is dragging me down. not you or anyone else." a lie, a lie he holds onto his soul as heavy as a crown on his head. how could he see euphemia that way? she offered her hand out to him which he so wanted to accept, only to realize too late that the geass had been maturing. ever since he had to kill her to save her tainted soul, suzaku was after him. suzaku wanted blood.

"that's a lie, lelou… i'm honored that you don't want to see me in such a way. really." but she knew the truth, it saddened her to see two men that she cherished fight another, and it caused her despair to watch suzaku kill lelouch. "you were never meant to kill me, but you did before i was beyond gone…" she added as a hushed whisper, reaching forward and taking one of her brother's shaking hands. "please, lelou."

lelouch shook his head as he was trying to prevent tears from forming, "i can't euphy. it's my fault in the end. i lied to suzaku so he can't know your death was an accident." though it pains him, lelouch would rather have suzaku hate him even towards his death. even if it hurt, even if it tore him to pieces in his heart. 

"lelouch, holding onto me won't help. please… i forgave you all this time, you need to understand this. plus, you aren't supposed to be here." she rubs her thumb gently against his knuckles, as if to attempt to soothe him. she could feel him tremble, struggling to accept the truth while his own truth ( lie ) refused to be easily overwritten. 

"wait, what do you mean? suzaku killed me, i do belong here."

"hm… what do you last recall?"

"standing up to shoot at zero, only to wait for suzaku to kill me. falling down with my blood everywhere… nunnally… i recall her crying…"  _ i love you, big brother! please don't leave me! _ he winced as he remembers those words, he remembers how satisfied and relieved he felt when the better future will be worked on.

**( i… destroyed the world… to create a new… )**

"you need to wake up, lelou." she quietly murmurs, hands cupping his face now. she watched as amethyst eyes blink in confusion as he hasn't registered what she meant. what in the world does she mean? he was dead after all. 

buried underneath the ground, a wooden box and --

_ wait… _ that doesn't seem right. his memories only show what had happened at his death and before but nothing felt right. "you aren't supposed to be here." euphemia gently repeats with a sad expression and pain in her eyes. lelouch felt his throat go dry, gasping out when his body jerked painfully, as if something was pulling at him. 

"lelouch, wake up! you can't stay here forever!" euphemia's voice was gradually fading, so was her image when his sight was failing him. fear was causing him to flail helplessly when his voice had been caught in his throat. 

the last thing he sees was… nothing.

\---------

suzaku took off the mask once he entered the room lelouch's body was resting in, taking note that c.c. wasn't there. he scowls as he didn't expect anything else, setting the mask onto the desk so he could approach the bed. 

"so, you haven't woken up yet." had c.c. lied to him as well? it did cross his mind that she could have dumped lelouch's body here just so she could go do her business. just another nuisance, nothing seemed right. "why am i not surprised?" his right hand placed on lelouch's chest where the heart would be. when suzaku didn't feel it beat, he pulled his hand away with a scowl. lelouch felt cold underneath his touch, like a stone. 

lelouch was dead and that was enough to make him angry. it was only a damned few weeks since he last seen him, and just to leave only to…

"why are you so damn reckless?!" he shouts at the immobile body, punching the bed in his frustration. anger surged, disbelief, grief and agony. his gloved hands shakily moved towards lelouch's neck, wrapping them around his throat. 

( dead. will always be dead. never alive, not even as children. happiness was like glass, remember? changing shape, yes but easily breakable. fragile just like a butterfly whose wings were torn from its body. )

he squeezes, anger in emerald eyes as his brain races and thoughts muddled together. tears are falling freely as he applies pressure, teeth grit as he pushes back a sob. 

( "kill me, suzaku." julius pleads as he looks at his knight as he proceeds to choke him. the smile on his face was bitter, a tear falling down his cheek as the geass illuminated brightly. )

suzaku's hands still trembled as he squeezed tighter, knowing he wouldn't do more damage. lelouch was cold, unmoving and peaceful in his 'sleep'. what did it matter if he did this? "i should've killed you a long, long time ago." he breathes, heart aching when he knew he couldn't. because he wouldn't end up like lelouch. he wouldn't just take a life in his anger.

_ but you have. you have taken many just to get to lelouch. you lied, and blamed it on lelouch. _

"i--"

_ your actions were your own. all lelouch did was order you to 'live', so you wouldn't kamikaze yourself to hell. _

"no, i--"

_ did it scare you become a monster? to end up like the man you wanted to kill? was it worth all the lives you took? you became a feared war criminal. _

"no, shut up!"

suzaku released the hold on lelouch's throat, backing away and colliding against the desk. body shaking and the voice of reason with it's vice grip, he fell to his knees and curled up with hands on his ears. 

"everything i did, all i wanted… "

( and she watches with amber eyes filled with pity, her code burns her head most uncomfortably. she can tell it's almost time, taking the most of seeing suzaku suffer. 

you did this, you wanted this. how does it feel to lose the last thing you had? )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are...so close.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this a short chapter, lelouch encountering julius for the first time. this is what i think would happen if they met face to face, with lelouch being uneasy about julius' personality. 
> 
> please understand, this is written from experience ( after all, D.I.D. is scary for the one having it ) and julius just shouldn't be used just for akito: the exiled.

_Fuck you, and you and you;_

_I hate your friends and they hate me too._

\---------

he was exhausted when his eyes opened, instead of waking in the real world and being alive he stared at his reflection on the glass before him. he could see there were some visible differences, the eyepatch that covered the eye with the geass before it had fully matured. the sneer on the reflections face, wearing royal imperial clothing with the sceptre in hand. instantly denial has creeped in, refusing to believe that this reflection was _him_.

"oh, but i am you. another part of you, the you that split to desire the praise from our father." the voice was his own but haughty, condescending. even those expressions on _his face_ were much more livelier than his could ever be -- he was much more reserved.

this doesn't seem right. he doesn't know who the reflection was, and it churns his stomach to see how vividly real it was. amethyst eyes dart back up when the reflection coos as both gloved hands pressed against the glass with a lecherous grin. "lelouch… i finally got to meet you. so cute, no wonder suzaku always glared at me with so much hatred." his voice was grating against his ears, that look in his visible eye borderlining unhealthy obsession. yet a twisted fascination surges in lelouch, his own hands pressed against the glass to see how matched they were. 

"if you don't wake up, we are doomed, you know."

"what in the world do you mean?" he finally responds, taking note how his voice was shaking. was this just another lie that he fooled himself with, memories he chose to ignore? there had been a large gap in memory when suzaku turned him in for a higher position, so what…

"oh, you aren't that smart. i'm julius kingsley… you. me. us." julius hums as he draws small circle patterns on the glass as his mind wanders. julius remembers everything, knowing it'd break lelouch if he saw those memories. "and… i love him too." he continues with a purr, tilting his head as he watches lelouch. he watches as lelouch stares at him in disbelief, his gaze seeing the code on his ( their ) collarbone. 

lelouch took some deep breaths, looking away from the reflection. he didn’t want to face these things, he didn’t want to understand why this was happening. it didn’t help that his own insecurities of what he was, what he was doing here and the confusion were plaguing him. this ‘julius kingsley’ caused him to doubt everything about himself, as he always thought he was in control of his emotions. of his trauma. “you don’t get it, do you? You and i are two halves of a whole, split because our father wanted us to be.” the reflection giggles as he pushes away from the glass, leaving lelouch even more confused. 

right, he _remembers_ . he remembers that charles **ordered** suzaku to keep his geass covered as he rewrote his memories. **_erased his memories_ ** of being zero, of nunnally, of how his mother died. charles had erased everything important to him, and had suzaku take care of him… but julius laughs, “take care, right? no, suzaku hated me with every fiber of his being. he hated me, hated you, i’m so sure of it.” julius laughs as he watches lelouch fall onto the ground, watching as he even hugged knees to his chest. 

“ _be quiet_.” lelouch mumbled, amethyst eyes staring down at the ground. his fingers were digging into the fabric of the emperor’s garb as he didn’t understand anything right now. his hands were shaking and he desperately wished he could hear euphemia’s voice right now. wished she was holding him like she had been so the terrible feelings could go away. no matter how many times he wanted to sink into the embrace of her tenderness, lelouch could already tell that he wouldn’t be able to see her just yet.

julius sits down as well humming as he leans forward to press his forehead against the glass. “you look so miserable, really. does it hurt you that much that you wouldn’t know what goes on? no control… you hate it, don’t you?” he presses a hand against the glass, watching lelouch. this was an area where they’d meet often ever since he came back from the dead. “you don’t get it just yet? this is an area where you and i can communicate... “ he looks at lelouch tenderly, almost as if he was in love. they were two different parts of a whole, a whole that had been shattered since v.v. had killed their mother. that event was enough to traumatize. enough to break apart the child’s mind.

zero was just a persona that hid their face so they couldn’t be seen. so their emotions were never deciphered from enemies they always went against. 

“come on, lelouch. don’t leave me hanging.” he purrs though there’s an annoyance laced there. an annoyance that lelouch knows too damn well, since he too had been through events that couldn’t ever find comprehension. “lelouch.” julius’ voice was clipped, a bit louder as if demanding attention. 

“wake the hell up, lelouch. you can’t tune me out forever.” 

lelouch’s head snapped up, trembling as he stared directly at the mirror image that was glaring at him. that glare that he shared, and that twisted sneer that caused his stomach to churn. this isn’t what he wanted to wake up to, scooting back so he can attempt to get away from julius. julius, who wore his face, used his voice and had been much more expressive. how could someone like this exist within’ his psyche? was it that shattered?

"tell me what you're thinking," julius murmurs as he presses his forehead against the glass, "tell me, tell me, tell me." his voice was quiet yet demanding. damn this glass that got in the way when he wanted to be on top of lelouch, to pin him so he couldn't escape. even if they were the same whole person, julius can't help but desire lelouch too. call him what you want, but julius knew his personality. julius knew what he wanted.

lelouch inhaled shakily as he finally stands on his feet to feel the muddled state of his mind hit him. this glass, this reflection; everything about it causes an unease in his stomach but he knew why it happened. it doesn't stop the shame that fills him for being weak enough to gain this. to study julius, a fabrication made by his bastard father only to be real in the end…

"you need to wake up." julius rests his elbows on his knees with a purr, causing lelouch to flinch slightly. "if you don't, they'll find us. they'll find us." he leans forward to melt through the glass so he was on hands and knees, grabbing lelouch's ankle. lelouch attempted to take a step back as julius wraps arms around those legs, "wake up. wake up, lelouch. _i don't want to die_. you don't need to die." his voice was pleading, as the 'ground' beneath them collapses and their falling causes his stomach to drop.

even as they towards emptiness down below, lelouch could feel julius' hands cup his cheek and fingertips dug painfully into flesh. 

"wake up, wake up, wake up. wake the fuck up!"

and then darkness engulfs their vision as the deafening sound of silence explodes in their skulls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lelouch is honestly, seriously, taking his time waking up isn't he? the next chapter will finally bring in kallen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after this chapter, there will be a small break. staying up late to get these done takes a toll. please enjoy.

_ Will he choose heaven or hell _

_ Or will he be reborn? _

\---------

"are you serious about this, c.c.? i thought lelouch was able to return alive…" kallen kōzuki stared at the immortal witch with bewilderment, crumpling up the wrapper that once held her strawberry mochi. kallen only agreed to meet up with c.c. since the mention of lelouch dying again caused her heart to skip rapidly. she watches c.c. stretch her lithe body after finishing her last slice of pizza, "where… where is lelouch now?"

"his body is at the old palace where suzaku is. the idiot boy isn't dealing well with it." the witch responds as she picked up cheese-kun off the bench she sat so she could hug him to her chest. everyone knew cheese-kun was the witch's comfort so they made sure she never left it. 

kallen raises a brow, "is that safe for lelouch? suzaku isn't exactly stable right now. c.c. did you make sure lelouch would be okay?" exasperation fills her voice as she adjusts her skirt, bright eyes watching as a few students rushed by with laughter. kallen felt her heart swell, mostly because lelouch did his best to secure a future for them. it still was a struggle.

c.c. shrugs as her amber stare watches the hummingbirds flit about the garden in hopes to gather nectar for their meal. 

"it could be. it couldn't be. did suzaku care enough to keep his body safe? i do wonder." 

"c.c.!"

"what? it's not my responsibility of what he does." 

kallen groans as she hangs her head, rubbing her temples in frustration. of course! c.c. was never practical in her decisions but to leave lelouch in the hands of suzaku? gods, did she have no other option? "fine," kallen sighed as she felt defeated (  _ or was it … irritation? _ ), "after my classes i'll go see lelouch. i want to see for myself… " she could see c.c. shrug in her peripheral vision. she sighs. 

what else did she expect?

around 3 p.m., kallen joined c.c. to go to the abandoned palace that zero was always patrolling. kallen had been worried since suzaku didn't seem to care for his own well being. she could tell he was dying on the inside ever since lelouch's execution, and it took every fiber of her being to not beat the shit out of suzaku for being an idiot. 

"it seems suzaku is here." c.c. offhandedly comments as she leads kallen inside. the guren pilot gulps as she follows, once realizing that she's never been inside the palace before.  _ because lelouch made it to where no one else can enter _ , kallen reminds herself. she can't really explain it but being here made her insides crawl. this palace was only meant for lelouch and suzaku, the home for the demon and white reaper. 

"here." c.c. says as she stops in front of the emperor's room, which kallen took upon herself to open the door. the two didn't expect suzaku to be there, on lelouch's body and strangling him with an expression of anger.

"suzaku!?"

"kururugi, get off of him!"

both women shout as they came across the scene, c.c. and kallen grabbing him and pulling him off of lelouch. suzaku didn't expect this as his body fell to the ground, an irritated shout escaping his mouth. 

"holy shit, suzaku. just… just why?" kallen's chest was heaving as she checked lelouch, seeing the bruises on his neck. c.c. kicks suzaku in the side with a rather pissed off look, "you stupid boy, idiot boy! do you have a deathwish?" she sighs as she recalls this happening when suzaku assumed lelouch lied about the requiem. 

"why are you here?" suzaku spat when he noticed kallen, anger surging. he did not care if the damned witch was here but kallen? she wasn't supposed to be here. kallen rolled her eyes, "because i can be. seriously, suzaku! why are you choking a damned dead body?" she snaps, walking over and grabbing his wrist to tug him onto his feet. suzaku stumbles slightly once she did, a look of bewilderment on his face. 

( he did it because he's slowly going insane, he wants to see those damn eyes open, wants to see  _ life _ in those eyes )

instead, kallen decided she  **didn't** want to know. she could be heard grumbling  _ men _ underneath her breath as c.c. was observing lelouch's still body. maybe coming here was a bad idea yet how could kallen refuse when c.c. mentions lelouch? what she didn't expect is to be staring at his lifeless corpse for the first time in her life, up close mind you. yes, she saw him get stabbed but it wasn't nearly enough to what she's seeing today.

"so," kallen inhales as she chose to sit on a chair that had been pushed aside during suzaku's episodes, "what exactly is the plan here, c.c.? i have no idea what the c's world is but i have an assumption that lelouch is involved with it." 

"ah, so the idiot kururugi caught you up on that?" 

"i threatened to beat his ass if he didn't, right suzaku?" 

"shut up. i didn't have a choice."

c.c. tilts her head as she awaited an explanation, suzaku grunts as he looks away. kallen notices and she couldn't help but laugh. 

if it weren't for the fact they were with a dead body this would have felt normal. "oh, he won't tell you but i will. after you and that asshole left, i went to suzaku and demanded answers. i didn't know what the hell was going on, not even when we went to the underground temple. suzaku was always in his zero persona, so i threatened him with a good time just like when he tried to use refrain on me." kallen remembers when suzaku pleaded in his apology, which had pissed her off extremely. the young warrior took no time to kick his ass for the insult and the sheer concept of forgiving him. 

"so he gave up from your persistent nagging. understood." the witch hums, her eyes resting back onto lelouch's figure. suzaku grit his teeth in annoyance, "i'm right here. and i told her because i didn't want to send her to a dirt nap or the hospital." it was thanks to the geass command that suzaku had ended up telling her in the end. the nagging feeling of right or wrong weighed heavily on his soul since he had no choice. plus, as zero he couldn't just hurt anyone just because they demanded answers. 

not like anyone besides a select few dared to approach him.

c.c. sighs, "you two. i wonder if you two can actually keep it together when he wakes." the witch ponders as she leans back against the wall. she and lelouch no longer had a contract since she knew the stubborn boy cared and loved her, but this didn't make her feel any less sad. a strange feeling. c.c. could admit she was dead on the inside due to her immortality but to feel anything? it was too much.

**( because she remembers praying to God that day, her tears fell as she begs. gods, did she beg. )**

kallen clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, "i… to be fair, it'll be hard on me again just like the first time i saw him again. but i know he's changed. i guess that's what geass does." she rested her cheek in the palm of her hand, sighing. not to mention it hurt, but kallen couldn't reason why it did.

suzaku doesn't answer as he stares at his gloved hands, knowing what it would be like on his end. just like the first time, he'd beat up lelouch in his anger, the thought of being lied to was something he couldn't handle. it didn't help that he wasn't innocent as much as he'd like to be. and suzaku was aware that lelouch knew both of them were hypocrites. if only  _ she _ were still here…

c.c. coughs as she stood in front of suzaku, leaning forward to stare at him with her eerie amber eyes. suzaku jerks back with a glare as he certainly didn't enjoy anyone getting too close to him, "what?!" his voice was tight when he snapped at her, annoyance clawing at his stomach. for once suzaku had wished c.c. knew the concept of  _ personal space _ which he observed that she didn't. all her hanging on lelouch proved that much ( and a bitter feeling spikes in his chest ) so he didn't fancy her doing the same to him.

"i think he'll wake soon." she simply says as she turns, walking back to the bed. suzaku blinks in bewilderment as kallen stood up from her chair. "wait, are you sure? are you positive?" kallen's questions tumble from her mouth, feeling her anxiety spike up. lelouch was waking soon? how could she tell? was it true? her feelings for lelouch were complicated,once she expressed her feelings for him with a kiss -- but it was fleeting. kallen knew where his heart belongs to.

c.c. hums softly as she touches lelouch's neck, "as i thought… there is a pulse but he's not warm. seems his body is attempting to regain parts in c's world…" she thoughtfully speaks, uncaring of the burning stares on her back. the pulse was just the start, meaning lelouch was getting closer to waking. since c.c. herself had died so many times she knew the process of repairing, and because lelouch didn't die as much as she did his process would take some time. 

hence the need for shelter. the need for safety.

"... c.c.?" kallen's voice was hesitant while suzaku glared at the witch. there were butterflies in their stomachs as the anxiety was enough to make them throw up. like baited breath threatening to squeeze their lungs of life, they stare at c.c. with a look she could only describe as 'hope'. the witch contemplates as she closes her eyes, wondering what lelouch would do when he came back. their mission was completed since the last time of his resurrection so it wouldn't be the same when he woke up. perhaps, the remaining britannian royal's heard of their activities and tracked them down. any activity with geass was considered a terrible threat.

"yes. soon… what will he do after waking up? i'm not sure. but we'll need knightmares to prepare." amber eyes rest on both of them, knowing they wouldn't come out unscathed. 

guren. lancelot. gawain.

the three knightmares that would place fear in anyone with combined strength. though c.c. piloted the most of gawain, she knew lelouch was more than capable. now, lelouch didn't have a reason to hide his tactics behind a mask. the lancelot needed to be repaired while guren needed upgrades. perhaps this peace had diminished the fighting abilities of the two aces that were once friends turned enemies turned accomplices.

all for the sake of lelouch. 

"hm… i'll contact rakshata about the guren. she won't care the reason since i'll have a reason to pilot it. what about you, suzaku?"

"... i'll contact lloyd and cecile about lancelot. just understand i have doubts about this." c.c. snorts, which he'll narrow his eyes at. what in the world did she find  _ so funny _ ?

"get sleep, i calculate in a day or two he'll wake up. i have an idea that something's blocking his ability to regenerate." 

and she leaves without a word, leaving the two youngsters to share a confused look.

\---------

that night, suzaku kururugi dreams.

after the women had left the palace he retreated to the room he had before the zero requiem took place. memories were made here but not under the categories of _endearing_ **or** _cherished_. these were memories where he had watched the demon emperor use his plans to make the world hate him, watched as the demon emperor break down several times. memories where he knew those amethyst eyes begged him to keep hating him even though the former knight ignored it. 

in fact, suzaku ignored mostly everything lelouch went through since he had the satisfaction of watching him squirm. 

so he dreams, which was rare since he never had capable sleep a few days after killing lelouch.

(  **for he remembers his best friends expression, the expression that he accepted his role and the expression that this is what he deserved.** ) 

in this dream he wanders through the field of sunflowers, lost childhood memories out of reach but ever so fleeting. the sun's bright, using one of his hands to shield his sensitive eyes as he walks through the endless sea of yellow. suzaku recalls that he loved sunflowers as a child. recalls that they were close to the kururugi shrine.

(  _ "did you know that sunflowers symbolize adoration, loyalty and longevity? such a lot for a bright looking flower." nunnally giggles as she listens to suzaku and lelouch argue about what flowers would make the best crowns. both pause when she speaks, giving her a curious glance. what an odd way to stop their bickering. _ )

suzaku looks ahead to see two standing figures that make his breath catch in his throat. their backs were turned on him, gazing up at the skies that were bright and blue without a trace of clouds. a perfect day if it weren't for the fact that dread settles in his gut.

she is there with her long pink hair in two buns, wearing a sunhat and pink sundress as she stared on. on her back were feathery white angel wings that were neatly folded against her body. suzaku wanted to sob when he sees her, his legs shaky and hands trembling when he hurries -- but no matter how fast he tried to go, it felt like he was walking through mud. the being next to her causes suzaku's heart to cry out in anguish.

he was there, amethyst eyes closed as his dark hair swayed thanks to the breeze. he wore the suit of zero, mask cradled underneath his right arm. his cravat brushed against his chest, seemingly unbothered by the strength of the wind. like the angel beside him, his wings were black and feathery and six in total. there was an earring on his left ear. a golden chain attached and as well flowing in the breeze's sway.

suzaku felt tears in his eyes as he sees both of them (  _ present and past _ ) that his heart races. he's attempting all his might to get closer, running now with panic urging in his brain. run faster! they were there, alive without any scars of death. he doesn't recall how long he's been crying trying to get there, his mind can't tell if it's reality or fiction but he kept trying. 

she had a golden halo with flowers of many assortments above her head, while he had a black one with black feathers dangling from it. 

_ an angel and the devil _ .

he reached out to try to grasp at either one, only to realize he had to make the choice. two hands could only save one person, choose one person and this causes him to let out a strangled cry. he doesn't know which to choose as they both were dear to his heart and he can tell his indecision was making them seem even more distant than he recalls. 

no matter how many steps he took it wouldn't get him any closer. they were both gone in ways that he couldn't get both of them back, angry tears starting to ease their way down his cheeks.

it wasn't until the sunflowers begin to wilt and wither, the skies turning dark as the bright burning symbol of geass lights up the sky. suzaku stares in shock, disbelief before being pulled back to the waking world.

the world of waking where he opens his eyes, only to  _ stare up _ into amethyst. 

( and that's when he broke down, no one ever knew he had a set of lungs on him. or the fact he grasps at the throat of the immortal staring down at him, that he applies pressure and his arms are shaking. trembling. )

" _ su...za _ ."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> teehee :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, we lied when we said there would be a break.  
> especially since everyone seems to enjoy reading it.

_When you’re born in the dirt the only way to grow is up, so we reach for the sun but it seems every rung that you climb is another crooked line that you cross off the tally of your dreams._

\---------

stars exploded in his vision when air had been robbed from his lungs as hands began to strangle him. his head was swimming with spots of variations of colors ( _hey! get the hell off of us!_ ) as his body was falling backwards rather ungracefully at the sudden movement. he managed to see suzaku's crazed expression, eyes outlined from the red that belong to his geass -- and he couldn't help but smile and attempt to laugh fondly. even in this situation, count on him to find something amusing out of this. 

" _suza_ …--"

"---?! **shit!** **_lelouch_**?!" 

the brunet's hands suddenly unravel from his neck, quickly catching the immortal in his arms. suzaku, being on pure adrenaline made him breathe heavily as he helps lelouch onto his bed. it doesn't help that he was still tired from his unsuccessful sleep and his instincts kicked in when he felt dread. "you… god damn it, lelouch." he groaned, slamming his fist against the wall before relaxing into it. 

emotions were a horrible and painful thing to live with. first came the agonizing hatred for everyone that suffered from lelouch's hands, to the many things that were destroyed. then came the softness in which there was love, a soft feeling suzaku wants to push away and ignore. _lelouch deserves none of that_ , suzaku wryly thinks as he glances over.

lelouch sat there, fumbling with the golden clasps of his… **_what the hell was he wearing_ **? suzaku never understood lelouch's uptight fashion or how he did it, but it wouldn't be lelouch in the end. he scans the former emperor's face only to see some sort of nervousness while avoiding suzaku's gaze. 

( **what the fuck** , lelouch. look at me you damned asshole. )

this went against c.c.'s prediction of lelouch returning in a couple of days at best. in fact… it was a little suspicious. suzaku pushes himself off the wall to approach lelouch, getting on one knee --

"s-suzaku?" his voice was perplexed, which he chose to pointedly ignore. in fact he took off his gloves and tossed them onto the bed, allowing his hands to grasp his neck ever so slightly. suzaku could feel them in the palm of his trembling hands: the racing pulse, the heat and the chill. lelouch was very much alive and he was certain he wasn't dreaming. the former knight can feel his heart beat, something similar to when he remembers seeing lelouch again after his resurrection.

granted he didn't understand it at first and won't now, but lelouch was _here_ . his heart was **exploding** in his cage of a chest, set aflame of the love and longing that had been shackled for so long. suzaku felt his heart soar. it soared so much that it's wings didn't burn once reaching the sun as he gets off his knee only to crawl into bed with lelouch.

"wait, suzaku, i--"

"shut up, _shut up_." his voice was trembling as his rough hands cup his face, emerald staring into those god damns amethyst eyes. those damn eyes that were dangerous, those damn eyes that were no longer tormented from the last he's seen them. "you have no right. i told you. i wanted you here." he presses his forehead against lelouch's, eyes squeezing tight as tears finally made their way down his cheeks.

\--- _don't you remember? the world is so, so lonely without you lelouch. even after all this time, after all this time, all i can do is hate and love you._

lelouch, numb from this was watching with a tender expression. he wrapped his arms around the brunet's waist and had been hardly surprised when suzaku snuggled into him. he inhales deeply the scent of the former friend and relished in his warmth even if it were for a little bit. he knew suzaku couldn't love him the way he wishes, but he'll take this. "suzaku… i'm getting a bit numb." lelouch weakly murmurs in his ear. he feels suzaku tense, watching as he jerks away as he wipes away any remaining tears.

"sorry." suzaku numbly responds as he gets off the bed, looking conflicted. a gentle smile on the immortals face as he slowly rises from the bed, "no, it's my fault. i didn't mean to scare you." he voice was soft, just as suzaku remembers it. he recalls there being no trace of the angry man that wanted nothing but revenge and he still can see it. 

there was an awkward silence between them and lelouch actually wished the witch was here to make it less so. instead, lelouch opts to simply observe suzaku's room since he's never been here much except to kiss him goodnight as he slept. each kiss, lelouch remembers, was a hint of him saying goodbye before the requiem. 

"so, you're here." suzaku regains his composure as he steps closer to lelouch, "what do you **intend** to do?" his voice was of warning that lelouch knew all too well. and lelouch also notices that suzaku was nearly as tall as he was, a forlorn expression forms. 

" _i wanted to see tomorrow with you, suzaku_." 

the honesty in his answer causes the former knight to stare at him in confusion, shock and bewilderment. in fact, the answer feels wrong to him as if there had been any romantic implications between the two and he rejects that. he doesn't see lelouch that way. 

… _right_?

lelouch sees this and chooses to walk by him, "i don't mean anything by it, suzaku. don't think too much on it." he quietly rectifies before grasping the doorknob. and before suzaku could ask since lelouch always had a knack for knowing what would be said, "i'm simply going to bed. i have c.c. to wait for." 

and suzaku watches as the door opens and closes, staring numbly as well as blankly at the spot lelouch used to be. 

for the rest of the night, none of them sleep as they stare at nothingness to pass the time. 

\---------

when kallen came around to check on suzaku and update him on the state of guren, she stood frozen seeing lelouch in the abandoned gardens to stare at the calm, rippling waters. she stood there with her mouth gaping open that she didn't even notice suzaku was there until he tapped her with the mask of zero.

"augh!? suzaku?! what the fu--" 

"you would have gotten flies in your mouth."

she closes her mouth with a defiant expression, " **whatever**. anyway, what's the deal? i thought lelouch had a little longer to return!" kallen was feeling slightly overwhelmed as she wasn't prepared for this. at least lelouch didn't look like his soul was ripped from his body so she didn't have to deal with that ever again. "i don't know. i woke up to him roaming around, but didn't say anything to him." he easily responds despite it being a lie. thanks to being a knight, he had been easily keeping a poker face so no one doubted him. kallen wasn't lelouch, as she wouldn't tell.

"hrm.." kallen pursed her lips, "really now."

"so what's the status of guren?" 

"i'm getting guren later tonight. what of lancelot?" 

"the earl will be sending lancelot tomorrow in the morning. if all goes well, no one will notice." suzaku turns, placing the mask on his face. kallen watches with an unreadable expression, "job as zero, huh? what for today?" she was curious since it would be a topic to talk to. suzaku ( **no, zero** ) shrugs as he walks off without another word. "hey! hey, su-- i mean, zero! ugh!" kallen stomps her foot against the grass before slouching forward. **gods** , what is the deal with men?!

unaware of the exchange some distance from them, lelouch's gaze was trained on the reflection in the water. _how odd_ , whenever it rippled he saw his face and then julius'. so it seemed julius was right when they were connected, even when he could hear his voice whispering in his ( _their_ ) brain. even now, next to him there was another reflection that leaned against him with their head resting on his arm.

"i **told** you, didn't i? you woke up and we didn't die." his voice was soft, gentle as if he were speaking to his lover. lelouch shivers as julius trails fingertips on his jawline, amethyst eyes watching in the water. julius looked so different without that bloody damned cape thing around his shoulders. he appeared so tall and thin just like himself. 

julius scoffs as he wraps arms around lelouch's waist, "oh, whatever. but i'm always here when you need me." he coos as he presses his mouth against lelouch's arm despite it being covered. 

once again, there was nothing lelouch could say without seeming crazy. all he could do was watch in the rippling water as the two of them were literally attached to the hip. it is also that he understands that no matter where he went there would be julius who would watch and speak up, though he'll have no control. 

unless lelouch permits it if he couldn't handle the stress.

julius' lips curve into a haughty smile once he realizes lelouch understood. "you catch on quickly. so smart, hm?" he brushes his thumb against lelouch's lower lip. " _i don't want to die_ , so **you need to stop dying**." he murmured in his ear, breath hot against his earlobe. 

lelouch closed his eyes, breathing deeply as he ran a hand through his hair. it seemed he and julius shared the same feeling since death wasn't too pleasant as he thought it had been. 

"lelouch?" kallens voice brings him out his tranced state, and julius scowls before his reflection vanished in the waters. lelouch blinks as he turns to look at the previous ace of the black knights and she seemed so… so wary. he doesn't blame her considering everything that had happened. hopefully she didn't see anything strange or off about him -- he wasn't ready to dive into those can of worms.

"kallen," he curtly greets her, "why are you here?" lelouch was unaware of c.c.'s plans for his waking and didn't know what had been going on. the red head rubbed the back of her neck, "well, c.c. told me about you and… that you were supposed to have another day to come back alive or something. sorry, i still don't get how this works." she apologized, turning her head away. 

lelouch blinked several times before a soft smile forms, "water under the bridge." as usual that had been his response to mostly everything since he had no other words to say. he had been the master tactician, master manipulator not the master apologizer. kallen arched a brow, "still saying that, huh? are you just avoiding issues?" hands placed on her hips, she couldn't help but give him a pointed stare. 

he shakes his head as soft laughter echoes in his mind, julius making it obvious he was watching. he hasn't quite grasped the barriers between he and julius but he knew that the other was more or less a backseat driver. and lelouch knew what it was like being one. "i don't avoid issues, i simply don't see the point dwelling in the past." his voice soft even though he can feel julius raise a brow. lelouch didn't want to think of the past, even the desire he held for suzaku was part of it. 

long gone as time flows by, just like a butterfly with their less than desirable lifespan. 

he can feel julius' disapproval ebb in the back of his mind, lelouch could only turn away from kallen's observant stare. he hated that, to be easily read since one person can do that. _just one_. too bad that person didn't seem to want to do anything with him, too bad that person hates him for everything he had done. "lelouch." kallen spoke once more to snap lelouch from his own brooding, raising a brow as he hugs himself. "are you lelouch right now, or zero?" her voice raises somewhat and both can hear the irritation.

kallen truly wasn't a patient person. during the time he had spent with c.c., lelouch had briefly forgotten the mannerisms of a select few even if he attempts to remember them. it's the curse of having the geass, the curse of having the power of the absolute king. 

**_how frightening_ **. 

"i'm lelouch right now, kallen." i _don't know who i am,_ "and zero is no longer i. suzaku kururugi is zero." lelouch turns to get away from her burning stare. it's way too much, it makes his skin crawl. perhaps deep down he believes it's because he didn't hold that mask anymore. the mask that allowed him to be his true, disgusting self. and it scares lelouch to think that he ( and julius ) would be the only _true versions_ of **_lelouch vi britannia_ **. for all the lies of his identity, it was pure irony that it came to this epiphany. 

( in the back of his mind he could sense julius glowering at him, sneering and mocking him. lelouch can tell there's no _'off'_ button and it shakes his very core. he's no longer in control because julius finally had decided to be there, finally decided to no longer let him be liberated. **his body wasn't just his own anymore.** )

thankfully, kallen was an observant woman and had the ability to read the atmosphere, clearing her throat as if to rid whatever awkwardness she felt. "well, good to see you, lelouch. i'll be going -- business and all." she tries to sound dismissive about this encounter as she leaves but lelouch knew. he could feel the irritation in her voice, could feel how tight it was. even as her leaving footfalls echoed in his mind, they were stomping while she cursed lowly in japanese.

lelouch couldn't but feel **guilty** at the implications of him being so troublesome.

_don't worry, she just doesn't understand you and i._

\---------

"good news _for you_ , suzaku kururugi! though lancelot was destroyed in that last battle," lloyd sighs dramatically which suzaku chose to ignore, “so we can deliver it to you wherever you need it.” he spun in his chair with a gleeful expression. 

“calm down, lloyd. he just got here.” cecile says as she gave suzaku an apologetic look. thought they were connected to the empress, there were still doubts about the identities of zero. they would support their best pilot to the best of their abilities… well, lloyd didn’t care as long as he got some useful data on how the fixed lancelot would preform. the blue haired woman sighs, her gaze returning to the screen. “though i am a little concerned about its performance… i’m not sure how well it’ll do since it’s basically new.” she added, her eyes directing to suzaku.

suzaku uneasily looked at the zero mask in his hold, knowing it was a risk to even be here. not many knew his true identity as the masked hero but he knew some could piece two and two together -- those like kallen. he understood that his ‘caretakers’ had also been in on the zero requiem plan so they knew lelouch would eventually be alive. it gave him **some comfort** knowing they knew he was zero as it was better than to be confronted on it. “thanks… i need lancelot delivered to the old palace where lelouch ruled at. can you at least not be tracked?” he asks, voice hushed. green eyes could see arthur approaching him with expectant eyes that the former knight allows her to leap into his arms, taking comfort in her soft purrs. 

even if everyone else forgot about him, even as the others had withered and died he knew the burden. suzaku, though dead, knew his body would continue to live as long as the geass upon him was still active. if there was one thing, he wanted to at least get his feelings straight with lelouch. ( _as far as he knew, he couldn’t hold onto these horrible feelings any longer since it killed his heart. he couldn’t always hold onto euphemia the way he remembers her._ ) “sure, sure. we can do that. though suzaku, have you ever considered **therapy**? “ lloyd asks rather nonchalantly as he spun in his swivel chair with a cup of pudding in his hand. “excuse me - -?” suzaku gave him a hard stare as arthur flicked her ears at the agitated tone. the earl grinned as he picked up his spoon from his work desk, stirring the pudding into a softer state.

“you know, therapy. you look like you went through hell, suzaku. and don’t forget -- you owe me for punching me in the face that one time.” lloyd’s tone was easy going despite the hard edge ringing in it. suzaku barely flinches but his eyes were suddenly shadowed by his bangs, green staring at the metallic silver of the ground. yeah, he remembers. he also remembers how much he’s changed during the course of that time period. everything had spiraled into shit that he couldn’t be positive anymore when that hatred finally freed itself from his heart. 

“you know have to answer~ but i’ll have you know that i’ll bring it up again.” lloyd calls after suzaku when he just turned to leave. cecile frowned, having wished that suzaku’s visit was somewhat longer but she knew better than push her chances. it was even a miracle that suzaku was talking to them after so many years.

\---------

the blade in his hands had been heavier than he expected, frustration clouding his judgement in result. the ōdachi had called out to him when observing the military storage, knowing it was fruitless to even pursue such an endeavor but -- but, he refused to be helpless in his physical prowess. it seemed like a good idea to be choosing this weapon ( _if julius’ eager face meant any less…_ ) so lelouch decided to test it out. truly, it was heavy as he expected but he can chalk it up to his less than satisfactory body. even as a child there had been no interest to keep his body strong since his stamina was non existent where his mind was the greatest weapon. 

_but that’s changed, right? you finally can tell how urgent this is. our life._ ** _mine. yours._** lelouch could feel slender arms snake around his neck, and forehead pressed against the between of shoulder blades. seemed julius still was intent on making himself known, intent on voicing his opinion on certain issues. he knew why since he’d be the one struggling to be in control of their body, to decide with physical touch. julius himself was watching right next to him without any actual contribution in the true world. in a sense, lelouch did feel bad for him since he knew how it was to be helpless in your own body. 

and of course, julius’ lips curved into a sneer that he didn’t see ( **unable to after all** ) since he was that result. his hands slid from lelouch’s neck to his waist, humming in his ear as he nuzzled into the former emperor’s neck. lelouch couldn’t help but shudder in response. 

“i had to **find you** by _losing hope_ , lelouch. **_we_ ** can’t be weak anymore. even if we can wield this ōdachi perfectly, it’ll be needed to _protect us_ both.” his hand then trailed over lelouch’s nearby arm, hand covering the ones that gripped the blade by its hilt. the former emperor could only watch with blank eyes as that pale hand dug fingers into his flesh that lelouch bit his lower lip. this only made julius chuckle in his ear.

“don’t worry, lelouch. i’m a part of you, whether you like it or not.   
no matter where you run, you cannot hide from me.”

( **so why won’t you let me in?** )  
~~_we are the big bad wolf, so let the games begin._~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we don't do very well with very long chapters. we just want to pace this along with our other fic. we have tons of suzalulu fics we want to write. this is what we call brainrot, brrbrr.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nsfw because it's julius. a short, intermission chapter. it needed to get out or we'd go insane.

_ I'm only human, after all. Don't put your blame on me. _

\---------

suzaku wanted to know the truth when he approaches lelouch, he needed to understand what the purpose of euphemia's death. the princess he loves and the princess who opened the door to his pained heart. suzaku knew it had been a way for him to stop being so reckless in knightmare fights but he relied on her. she was his pillar of strength in dark times, her views of a peaceful world was what kept him going. he knew lelouch had been lying about purposely killing her and being lied to just pissed suzaku off even more. perhaps because how his love for euphemia was strong it tore down any softness he had for lelouch. lelouch was nothing more but a monster that turned him the way he was, having no choice but to join forces with his greatest adversary. but for now he had to find out. even if it were for his peace of mind. 

just a small push. anything to make him know the truth. 

"lelouch." his voice was tight as he finally speaks up as a brow was raised to see lelouch holding a sheathed ōdachi in his right hand, grasp rather tight. he also takes note to see how lost in thought lelouch was until suzaku broke him out in his trance. amethyst eyes widen just a fraction at his voice and a small  _ oh _ leaves parted lips, "suzaku. how can i help you?" he glances over to him from over his shoulder. it seemed he wanted to take no interest to face him fully…. this actually makes suzaku a bit angry. after everything, couldn't lelouch just give him something as equals?

( no, he can't. you know why. you two are meant to end in tragedy. )

taking the time to regain his bearings he grips lelouch's arm and pushes him against the wall. uncaring if his body nearly knocked down some of the torn paintings of a once proud superpower. suzaku even didn't care as lelouch let out a small gasp of pain as his grip tightened, uncaring if bruises were left behind. suzaku always being the straightforward man. it's what made he and lelouch so different from another, opposites that couldn't stick together. 

… deep inside his  **fragile heart** weeps behind the harsh barriers. maybe the boy from so long ago remained in hopes to look for the boy he befriended. 

"tell me! why her?! why euphemia!" lelouch's gaze was hooded when suzaku finally reveals the purpose of his visit, feeling julius' jealousy rise inside of him. it seems that the two shared a mutual possessiveness on the ex knight. but lelouch was torn from obeying euphemia's wish to let suzaku free of the chains of her death. in the c's world she had pleaded him to do so, for the shackles that bind he and suzaku together will no longer be of hatred. he remembers the tears she shed when she cradled his useless body to her bosom, when she tells him she never hated him. 

_ 'i understand now, lelou. just like nunnally did when you passed. please, don't do this anymore to yourself. to suzaku. please… you don't deserve this anymore.' her sobs were genuine as her tears fell on his face like rain trying to let a withering flower grow. her heart was broken, her heart in agony. this was not what she wanted.  _

"she got in my way. simple as that."  **damn** . well, old habits die hard.  _ sorry, so sorry euphemia _ . lelouch knew that suzaku would have his face contort into anger and knew that he'd punch him in the face, and the pain stung. there was another punch to his face as suzaku started to yell at him.

"WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!" his stomach, causing the breath to be knocked out of him. "WHO THE  **FUCK** ARE YOU?! WHY CAN'T YOU CARE FOR HUMAN LIFE?!" another to the stomach, causing him to cough in result. how quaint, just like when he was first brought back to life. what was the point in fighting the same old cycle? the pain was beyond physical as his heart quickens, his body is screaming for it to stop. he didn't want suzaku to stop since this was his punishment. 

(  _ yes, suzaku, hurt me. give me pain. this is what i deserve. don't you see?! this is my punishment given by your own fists. _ )

" _ that is quite enough _ ." quick were the hands with the ōdachi, slamming the sheathed part against suzaku's. despite the hoarseness of voice from suzaku's punishment it stood strong. again, the sheathed blade was slammed again to make suzaku hiss and back off, emeralds glaring at him. his hands stung from the impact. "excuse me?" suzaku's voice was quiet and in disbelief from the sudden change of behavior. "you need to calm down that barbarian behavior. no knight of mine is allowed to touch me that way." suzaku watches through narrowed eyes as lelouch began to unsheath the blade from it's sheath. 

"oh no, i'm not lelouch. but perhaps you could  _ fetch me a glass of water _ ,  **_hm, kururugi_ ** ?" suzaku felt his blood ice over when he hears the familiar phrase, taking a step back from the dark haired male. "excuse me?  **julius** ?" he spat though confusion was evident on his face. he was given a smile (  _ so cruel, full of arrogance. yes, this was julius  _ ). lelouch - no julius - smirked as he points the blade of his ōdachi towards the ex knight with a laugh. he even chose to ignore the pains of the beating suzaku gave to lelouch not too long ago.

"because lelouch is shit and always hating himself, i'll tell you what's up, my dear knight." those eyes were blazing with the double geass but suzaku didn't fear geass. no, he feared this unknown. "lay a fist on our body again, i won't hesitate to cut your delicious looking hands off. got it?" julius wasted no time to hand out the threat, as he was enough to protect lelouch. 

he was the predator hidden in their heart. he was there when lelouch struggled to do everything himself. 

suzaku inhales as he rubs his sore hands. "fine. julius." he spoke that name through grit teeth. might as well.

"fuck euphemia, for one." " **_excuse me_ ** ?!" suzaku grunts as julius kicked him in the groin, obviously displeased with his outburst. he watched as suzaku doubled over slightly since he knew no male could withstand a direct hit there. 

" _ i'm not done talking _ . second of all, euphemia got in the damn way of everything. lelouch made a mistake and euphemia paid for it.  **sit the fuck down** ." julius said as he brings the tip of the ōdachi's blade near suzaku's cock area, giving him a glare. it was an obvious warning that he would cut off suzaku's dick if he dared spoke up. "so no, euphemia wasn't in the way you stupid brute. in fact, you loved her so much that i am glad she's dead. lelouch is different." he hums as he kneels before suzaku with a sneer. oh, suzaku seemed so different from the last time he seen him. looks like he got some age lines in there. hah, just kidding. suzaku was only 20 or so. 

suzaku inhaled deeply, "a… fucking accident. are you fucking kidding me?" he breathes with some remaining anger in his voice, but bit back the rest of his words when julius angled his blade to cut off much more than his crotch. shit, julius was unstable as ever -- though he wasn't in the first place. the next few moments were in silence as emerald and amethyst stared deep into another. 

he felt his stomach plummet when he knew the answer. it was an accident and if this was truly, really, julius… this was the truth. lelouch often lied to protect himself but julius was always so honest in that sadistic, wicked way. when suzaku had the realization of the truth, he simply tapped the blade's sheath against suzaku's mouth. "good. now that you know the truth, you need to stop being an asshole. lelouch nor i have no interest in telling you whose the bigger hypocrite." his lips brushed against suzaku's cheek, hot breath causing suzaku to flush.

"we have an understanding. thank you." julius pulls away with a smirk, pressing his foot against his crotch. this makes suzaku grimace as his cheeks were flushed. suzaku says nothing as julius leaves though felt satisfaction seeing the bruises left on his face.

c.c. simply watches from the shadows, as suzaku gets up and leaves towards elsewhere. her amber eyes fell to the key that belonged to gawain in her hand and she inhales through her nose.

( this… was a problem. )


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dissolution by Awaken I Am is a good suzalulu song and heavily inspired some of suzaku's feelings in the end. the plot is finally moving since the other chapters were to introduce interactions and feelings, along with julius and his very active part. 
> 
> this is a very heavy slowburn since lelouch and suzaku are so complicated and wrapped in trauma. and yes , julius will have more action and you'll find out how. 
> 
> lelouch is aware that julius cofronts with him, but isnt aware when julius takes control. this is part of the shame from lelouch as he thinks hes psychologically insane due to julius speaking to him.
> 
> anyway... here. this chapter was a little hard due to pacing and where to leave it at.

_ The monster you made is wearing the crown, I'll be the king and you’ll be the clown. _

\---------

"greetings, humans." c.c. finally announces herself as she had gathered the trio, wearing a simple white blouse, blue jeans and black sandals. she in actuality managed to come back the night before and as well witnessed the encounter of suzaku and… lelouch? no, that wasn't lelouch. whatever the case she hoped it wouldn't pop up again but c.c. knew better. she knew better than to hope when it came to these troubled times. she watches as suzaku, kallen and lelouch look up from whatever they were doing to give her their full attention. 

"excuse me, witch." lelouch interjects rather dryly, "you and i know both quite well that i'm not human." oh, she knew! he also knew that she wanted to get a reaction from him. well. she got it since she smirked briefly with a small shrug. c.c. simply sits on the worn down table that once served purpose of military strategy but now was nothing but a place to put her ass on. "i know, don't be so dull." the witch hummed as she tossed the key of their shared knightmare, making a noise of approval when the other immortal catches it. 

kallen held up her key as well, "i'm good on my end. managed to hide guren here without issues. my baby has some upgrades since it's been years when i piloted it." she confessed while tucking it between her cleavage. suzaku also held his up with less enthusiasm, "lancelot was delivered an hour ago. what exactly is the purpose of us being here, c.c." he eyes her warily when the other night was fresh in his mind. at times he would steal glances to see if lelouch had any idea only to confirm that the former emperor didn't. lelouch seemed more tired than anything, bags under his eyes and his body jittery. 

"we need to leave here because soon they'll catch on. those who don't wish for lelouch's peace." c.c. states as lelouch rests his chin upon bruised knuckles. he honestly couldn't recall where they came from and julius was awfully silent.  _ ( he tugs momentarily in his mind to see if the other would respond, but since he didn't know how this worked all he got was a feeling of cold. strange … )  _

kallen soon was at attention, "wait. who exactly? it's not the same when we kicked those assholes to the ground when--" "no," c.c. interrupted, "more like those who conspire against lelouch's younger sister. many people adore her since she's a change from our big bad demon emperor but there are those who can't let peace slip by without some need of power." lelouch scowled.

"impossible… my brother can't resist and cornelia wouldn't be  _ that _ stupid." breathing through his nose, he winces when shifting position. damn, suzaku got him really good. apparently so good that he blacked out during suzaku making sure he was well  **acquainted** with his fists. thankfully he had foundation to hide the bruising on his face, simply didn't want to have attention on him. for someone so physically weak, lelouch had to give himself props for being so durable. well.  _ somewhat _ . 

when the other three were in heavy silence from his previous statement, lelouch pales. idly he twirls the key between slender, pianist fingers that he has to think. the only issue was that there was  **nothing** to go by. it'd be too dangerous to go directly to anyone since they thought he was dead. well… except. " _ kaguya _ ." he breathes, remembering what ohgi told him. she had believed he was still alive and even gave him a video of their lives afterwards. kaguya sumeragi was suzaku's cousin, though she only knew that both were dead. well, as the news says. 

suzaku blinks and frowns, "i don't -- i don't want to involve anyone else in this." he shakily says. kaguya and tohdoh were two people he didn't want to see again since their clash in so many battles. it was almost funny how sides were flipped after the event of the thought elevator. suzaku stares at his hands, "i just don't want to risk my existence again." this was someone who wanted to die and lelouch turns his head as guilt hits him. he's starting to feel a bit annoyed too from suzaku's want to die when all he wanted was to die as well. 

kallen coughs, "so when do we get a move on? it's kind of dreary staying here. no offense to you, lelouch. were you some kind of ghost here?" and lelouch turns his head to give her a wry smile as if telling her 'you could say that'. kallen blinks but chose to say nothing else on the matter.

growing bored from the trio, c.c. clears her throat. "i suggest we leave in an hour just to move discreetly to avoid being caught. people will get worried if they see any of the three knightmares." she stretched arms over her head, satisfied when feeling her back pop. that certainly hit the spot. kallen nods to this, "yeah. if you want i can let you guys stay at a beach house that my father owns in kyoto. bastard finally stopped being a deadbeat and started helping with mom. not that it makes a difference." she adds in a hurry. she'll exploit that bastard as much as she could.

c.c. claps her hands, "wonderful. i'm off to go do my business. don't lose lelouch." she left as kallen and suzaku scowled.

\---------

lelouch stared up at the gawain, knowing how long it had been since he last piloted it. "it's been so long… i can see you gained some upgrades and fixes." he simply was appreciating this fact when he runs fingers against the armor. it would never be as fast as guren or lancelot however, it was powerful in it's own right. lelouch didn't even blink as a similar pale hand is pressed against the armor. 

"i'll pilot this when we need to, lelouch. i have our tactics and strategies, and i also have the balls to fight." julius hums as he leans against lelouch. he feels lelouch slightly adjust his weight on his feet, "i see… you know how to do knightmare combat?" his voice was quiet so no one can hear him speak. lelouch already knew he was unstable but no one else needed to witness it. 

he didn't enjoy it when julius traced invisible patterns on the code on his collarbone. "no, but i know much more about it than you. let's just say… i somehow know." his fingers trail down, only to stop where the pelvic area was. julius gave lelouch a sly grin. lelouch inhales briefly when those fingers remove themselves as he kept his focus on the knightmare before them. "kyoto… i'm not sure if kaguya would let us stay there but i know she's smarter than she looks." lelouch is sure that she figured out the point of zero requiem and if the video she left for him was any indication… 

"if anything… at least we can see how the state of affairs are. nunnally knows i'm alive just like the former black knights." but cornelia also knew he was alive but he knows his older sister. his older sister had the spirit of a warrior and wouldn't ever allow old traditions to fall. she was even wary of him when he begged her for help much like everyone else was. julius chuckles as his fingers stroke the small of lelouch's back, "she doesn't know you have geass still. she'll flip when she sees it again. it'll give her more incentive to break treaty, hm?" he nuzzles into messy dark hair, arms wrapping around lelouch's arm.

lelouch grit his teeth as he knew julius was right. not much he could do right now.

when c.c. returned, she already got into the cockpit along with lelouch while kallen and suzaku got into theirs. "okay, we're going to kyoto. i already informed kaguya that i'll be arriving with guests so we won't meet with much resistance." c.c. informed them as she activates the gawain, unaware of lelouch's frown. "you told her about me, witch?" his voice was but a sputter and c.c. rolled amber eyes. "she already knew it was you since i was the one to call her. suzaku, kallen. are you ready? we might face some knightmares from lone terrorists." her fingers tapped against the keys, while lelouch was scanning the maps. they were updated. how convenient. 

"ready." "guren good to go."

they had to evacuate the lone grounds of the former demon emperor's palace, long abandoned just like the ghosts of the dead. they continued in silence as they traversed, making sure to keep low to the ground as far as the situation lets them.

kallen's eyes dart to the warning screen to her left, "enemy knightmares to the left, guys. they seem like old model glasgow's and some sutherlands. how do we deal with it?" she grips her controls with her heart racing. it had been so long since she was in battle that she was excited for it. "we need to figure out where they came from. i can scout them to see where they are from." suzaku pulls lancelot back as he decided to go meet them face to face.

"lelouch." lelouch smirked as c.c. says his name rather boredly. "go ahead suzaku, see if they're hostile or friendly. kallen, hide just in case they surround us. c.c. lets take cover so they won't recognize us." he orders, feeling the gawain already move thanks to c.c.'s piloting. he knew it could be piloted by one person but it was easier for the witch to be here. 

suzaku obeyed and dread fills him as he knew he couldn't do anything without orders. pushing back the bile in his throat, he took out the MVS as he approached the group of knightmare frames with a hardened stare, "halt. are you friendly?" he called out to them, preparing his blade just in case. he could see the guren stealthily hide behind a rock formation in his peripheral vision. two sutherlands approached him with their guns ready, "you are a foreign knightmare on our territory! are you from britannia?" a woman's voice shouts, causing the lancelot pilot to raise a brow. "no, i'm no britannian. who are you? what territory is this?" suzaku tries again with a frustrated glare. they only were 20 miles away from the abandoned palace, there shouldn't be anyone around here.

"we are the Zero Liberation group! get out of your cockpit so we can identify you." the woman's voice ordered. lelouch raised a brow as c.c. gave him an apathetic look. Zero Liberation group? well, if this wasn't luck he didn't know what was. "suzaku. put your mask on and introduce yourself. i'll help you speak." the ex prince instructed in which, of course with reluctance, suzaku obeyed. grabbing the mask, suzaku placed it on as he presses the button to let his cockpit open. he could see the group of knightmares watch as he emerged. flourishing his cape. 

so, suzaku spoke with the aid of lelouch in his ear.

"it is i, zero! i do not mean to traverse in secret but i am on a mission with my comrades for the empress, nunnally. put down your weapons or this will be treason against the empress herself!" suzaku's voice rang out with commanding authority, in with the glasgow's and sutherlands lowered their weapons. "i apologize, sir zero! i did not know you piloted a knightmare frame. please excuse our impudence!" the woman apologized as she turns her knightmare, "let us secure a path towards the checkpoint. go, go!"

lelouch lets out an exhale as the group went ahead to ensure their path, c.c. having gawain emerge as kallen joined suzaku in his spot. "good job, suzaku. you made a very convincing zero." the guren pilot snorts as she notices gawain approach them. "indeed. these pilots seem to be a newer generation of pilots. they don't recognize lancelot even with upgraded parts." suzaku sighs as he took off his mask when his cockpit returned inside of lancelot. setting the mask aside, he decided to lead the other two knightmares just in case. kallen took the rear while c.c. had the gawain in the middle.

luckily, they made through without any interference. it was just enough for all of them since they had been tense throughout.

\---------

"so… i knew it. you're alive." kaguya hums as she glanced at her visitors, their knightmares with tohdoh's. she looked at suzaku and lelouch with a strained smile while kallen and c.c. didn't bother her. lelouch dipped his head with a soft smile. "yes. thank you for the video, kaguya. it made me smile." his voice was quiet which made kaguya blink. she was used to his proud and charismatic tone but not this subdued version. "well, yes. i wanted to show you the peace you got for us. but you're not dead, why are you here?" she gestures the fo-- well, three to follow her (  _ c.c. went somewhere again it seems _ ). 

suzaku didn't look at any of them, "i didn't want to be here but it's the choice in the end." he scowled as kallen punched his shoulder. what a strong girl. "we are actually going to my deadbeat dad's beach house. some of us thought it was a good idea to check in with you just in case we were spotted." she clarified as she glowered angrily at suzaku. did he always have to be so difficult? kaguya hums as she leads them to the main house, "i certainly don't mind on few conditions. just don't kill anyone and don't try to insert yourselves into diplomatic affairs." she warns them. 

suzaku shook his head and kaguya blinks. "oh! i should've seen from your clothing my dear cousin. you're zero so you have to answer to the empress. my apologies." she gestures for them to sit at the kotatsu that had some cups and a pitcher of tea. she frowned when suzaku only shrugged in response, watching as he sat next to kallen. she glanced at lelouch and sat next to him too with a spirited smile. "okay, excluding my cousin who has no choice. kallen. lelouch."

kallen held her hands up, "i don't have plans to, kaguya. the black knights aren't really around anymore." she shrugs, resting her hands on her lap. just why did suzaku sit next to her? well, as long as he knew he was in punching range if he pissed her off. lelouch hums softly, "the world doesn't need me. why would i? i haven't interfered since then." he rests his elbows on the top of the kotatsu with a bored expression on his face. things would change of course if it involved him directly. he just didn't feel like taking a chance just yet since he didn't bother with their politics in so long. kaguya only stared at him briefly, "okay. suzaku my cousin, you and lelouch will be sharing a room. kallen and c.c. as well. i feel like it'd be easier just in case." 

the shrine maiden smiles when she feels leolouch tense up and suzaku's eyes widening. was she being cruel? perhaps.

lelouch's mind went numb at her announcement.  _ with suzaku _ ? did that mean he'd endure more of the punishment with the ex knight? and after he recovered briefly from the night before… it seemed like hours since then. it wasn't like he could deny this since they were literally asking for shelter. kaguya was kind at heart even when she had decided to shelter the former monster. or maybe she was smart enough to realize what the zero requiem was. 

"alright. i'll tell c.c. when she returns. for now i'm going to take a bath." kallen yawned as she decided staying around these three wouldn't be a good choice. as she left, kaguya got up to join her so she could catch up with an old friend -- which unfortunately left suzaku and lelouch. 

_ the tension is so thick. _ seemed lelouch and julius shared the same thoughts. julius sneered,  _ maybe as thick as suzaku's delicious dick _ . and this causes lelouch to suddenly cough on his own spit and the sound of julius' laughing in their mind didn't help. suzaku raised a brow when lelouch hacks up a lung, "are you alright?" his voice didn't hint to any care but felt it was polite to ask either way. with shoulders shaking and himself bowed over the kotatsu, lelouch cleared his throat after a few wheezing coughs. "i'm. i'm fine." no, he wasn't. if it weren't for julius' damn unwanted commentary he'd be fine. "shall we go now? it'll be awkward if we stayed out here." lelouch simply says as he stands from his spot at the kotatsu, looking away from suzaku. suzaku watches him carefully before joining suit, not speaking or looking at the taller male as they headed to their room. 

"i'll take this side." lelouch says as he grabs his futon and taking it to the wall near the door. yes, he would've liked to be close to suzaku but he knew that would be a fleeting chance. he knew that suzaku wouldn't ever believe in him. he knew because all he did was crave chaos.  _ we have to let him go _ , julius gives him a pained expression even if their heart says otherwise. the two halves knew even with those feelings it wouldn't ever end happily. and to see julius look away to the side with a pained expression makes lelouch feel the pain in his heart. they both knew it was because even if they said the world didn't need them it had been a lie. a lie that put people's hearts to ease. 

"i know they'll blame, but it's all on both of us." julius' voice was quiet as he reaches out with a shaking hand, placing it on lelouch's cheek. 

suzaku glances over to see that he was already under the covers of his futon, facing the walls. suzaku's stomach lurched when he realized there wouldn't be any communication between them… hands curling into fists as he felt a lump in his throat. that encounter with julius(?) made him rethink about his feelings and no matter how hard he did. no matter how hard he tried it ended up the same each time (  _ " ive lost all faith I had in you." _ ). even when becoming the knight of zero he felt no loyalty to lelouch since he had to do this to save this horrible world and to clear euphemia's name. it worked. but even if it worked why did he feel so angry? so lonely? none of this would have happened if lelouch just stopped being zero. and… no, lelouch wouldn't have stopped. charles wouldn't have stopped. 

even as he lay staring at lelouch's back, even as he slowly reaches out with a shaking hand as if to grasp lelouch -- lelouch felt so far away from him. why couldn't he he get the sinking feeling of dread from his stomach? lelouch was here, there wasn't anything he could do when everyone was against him. this monster who did things to make the world hate him so they could have peace. suzaku could feel tears form as his heart races at the prospect of losing lelouch all over again. his shaking hand manages to close into a fist as he lets it fall to the softness of his futon, burying his face into his pillow. 

ever since he became zero all he felt was anguish but never could figure out why. even if he hated lelouch for every action he did despite the feelings that turned to love and longing. the anguish of being zero and wondering if he could truly be alone without lelouch often sent him into panic attacks during the night. 

suzaku could feel one coming up right now, hiccups muffled. he could blame everyone else for his situation. he could. but he knew this was his fault for joining with lelouch. his fault for shedding blood even if it wasn't different from lelouch's methods. 

(  **_you put me through hell for me to know. i think it's time for me to let you go_ ** **.** )

he couldn't even feel the gentle, pale hand on his head as sobs tremored in his body. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is uhm. :)
> 
> we have too much time on our hands pumping out these chapters but we been inspired. a lot.

_ was i only creating chaos? the world will just be fine without us. _

\---------

"i'm so pathetic,  **you** made me finally see it." suzaku turns his head to see lelouch staring at the night skies, which were illuminated with stars that twinkled like small lights. he didn't respond as he watches the former emperor smile fondly as his eyes never left the stars. instead he waits for lelouch to continue. "if i  _ changed my mind _ , would it have  **_changed your life_ ** ?" his voice sounded so far away, never once looking at the brunet. suzaku could only frown at his question but he only nodded. yes, if lelouch changed his mind on everything then his life would have been so different. he'd be with euphemia, serving as her knight and possibly falling even deeper in love with her.

suzaku blinks as he could see a tear fall down lelouch's cheek, a pained smile on his lips. " _ for how long _ ? for how long will it change your life?" suzaku doesn't respond as he adverts his gaze towards the ground. why were these questions being asked in the first place? 

"was  _ i _ … only  **causing chaos** ?" lelouch murmurs as he steps forward, his body going through the proud, tall sunflowers that were homage of kururugi shrine. suzaku jerks his head up as he hears lelouch leave, instantly going after him with his heart racing. it seems lelouch didn't take notice. "you better start to love her." suzaku's frowned simply deepens when he hears that. was lelouch blind? he obviously loves euphemia that her death had stricken him with grief and agony, that he changed. lelouch didn't even stop for him, didn't even wait up for him as he continued to walk away. suzaku, slowly becoming frustrated as he picks up his pace so he wouldn't lose sight of him, speaks: "where are you going? slow down!"

lelouch doesn't stop even when suzaku breaks into a run, the endless field of sunflowers making it harder for him to close their gap. "lelouch! god damn it! fucking stop!" there was desperation in his voice as panic sets in. "she's lit the whole wide world. i want to know -- if  _ you _ will." suzaku's eyes widened as the sunflowers were slowly dwindling in mass as lelouch was still getting farther away.

_ for  _ **_how long_ ** _? for how long, will it change your life? _

"lelouch!  _ stop _ !  **_please_ ** !  **where are you going?!** " suzaku's mind was racing as adrenaline was all he could feel, putting all of his energy to chase after lelouch. fear for another loss hitting him as he keeps chasing. he remembers these types of dreams. the dreams where you chase someone and you could never catch them -- the dream he  **never** wanted to ever encounter. yet, here he was putting his all chasing after the dark haired immortal with tears falling from his eyes as words echoed in his ears.

_ i'm so pathetic, you made me finally see it. _ "lelouch, stop!" no matter how much he yelled, the figure ahead was just leaving his reach. no matter how loud he yells, his voice never seemed to reach him. even as the sunflowers were leaving his sight while lelouch approaches a cliff where water awaited at the bottom, suzaku couldn't even make his legs go faster. "lelouch!  **_what are you doing_ ** ?!" his yells were shifting to panicked shouts, beginning to get delirious when he knew what would come next.  _ no _ .  **no** !  **_no no no no no_ ** !  **GODS, NO** ! 

" _ this world will be just fine without me.  _ **_right, suzaku_ ** ?" lelouch turns to finally face him, though his eyes were blotched by black as if he were from a photo. suzaku skidded to a halt and his body was trembling, face damp with tears and sweat when he realized lelouch's face was nearly gone -- but only because his memory refused to see lelouch in a positive light. with a trembling hand he touches lelouch's cheek as his heart sent pain into his arms, bottom lip quivering as he didn't feel anything from lelouch. 

… nothing solid but air. 

"no, _please…_ _lelouch,_ ** _i can't_**. i can't do this again. i can't. **don't leave me** ** _again_**. **please**. **_please…_** " he let his body fall, landing on his knees as he attempts to grasp at anything from the figure before him. **nothing**. there was nothing. when he hears lelouch step away from his, his head jerks up with panic in his eyes. " _lelouch_. no. **please**. **_gods no_**." he scrambled to get on his feet as lelouch backed away towards the edge of the cliff, only seeing his forlorn smile. 

"i'm sorry for being so pathetic, suzaku." " **lelouch** !  **_wait_ ** !" 

" _ please _ ,  **love her** . love her with all you have." lelouch's voice was soft as his face began to blotch out, taking a step back onto empty air.

" **LELOUCH** !  **_DON'T_ ** !" suzaku couldn't help but scream as he watches lelouch fall back, trying to grasp his hand only for his fingers to phase through. suzaku felt angry tears stream down his face as he falls to his knees as lelouch continued to fall, darkness engulfing his body. his voice couldn't be heard even as he shouted, even if he screams. 

his world fell apart as he covered his face with trembling hands, sobbing and screaming while tears poured hotly against his cheeks. 

_ for how long will it change your life? _

suzaku's eyes shoot open when the pain in his chest became too much, feeling both of his arms had been incredibly numb. with a shaking breath he (  **with great irritance** ) begins to restart the circulation of his blood flow to get rid of the distasteful feeling. when he hears the chirps of birds instead of the melody of crickets, suzaku could tell it was morning. a sound of annoyance when he sits up, eyes blinking when he notices lelouch wasn't in the room and  **panic** settles in. he grabs the mask of zero and hurries to his feet, seeing that lelouch had placed back the items he used, rushing to the door with a pale face. after that nightmare his heart was quick to burst, trembling hand sliding the door open. 

he is met with silence, almost to the point that the dread in his gut builds. kyoto was never this quiet, since they were nearly as close as their osakan cousins. suzaku chews on his bottom lip when he leaves the room and ignoring the aches in his tired bones. his geass flares with every warning signaling into his tired brain. this makes suzaku alert, wondering what danger was presented here. "lelouch… did you…" suzaku hurries through the halls, breaking into a run as worry pushes onto his soul. the nightmare so vivid in his mind that now he wonders if this had been a warning. 

"suzaku!" kallen's voice rang loud enough that his head jerks to the side to see the other pilot run over with a panicked expression. seeing her like this causes his heart rate to kick up and the geass to blaze even harder, mind going on overdrive. "cornelia! took lelouch! killed kaguya and!" her words were unable to form properly, suzaku could see bruises on her face and on her knuckles. did… did kallen fight in order to protect lelouch?

c.c. rushed in with a rather furious expression that made suzaku almost (  **keyword almost** ) stare at her as if she grew three heads. c.c. seemed rather flushed when she leaned against kallen for support and her body was violently shaking. "everyone here is dead. tohdoh joined cornelia to take lelouch. they came this morning because there was a mole under kaguya's nose." c.c. managed to explain in one breath, the immortal doubling over to regain oxygen. kallen only patted her back sympathetically. "it's not your fault, c.c. thank you for informing us."

suzaku didn't have to see c.c. go rigid at the thanks so he rushes down the halls whilst following the scattered blood trail. he could see bullet shell casings on the ground which made him move even faster. the memories of withering sunflowers play in his mind like a horrible film, when lelouch started to back away towards the cliff. when he reached the courtyard he could see kaguya's limp body, stained crimson along with other members of the house. strangely enough he didn't feel anything for her or them since those feelings were non existent. all he cared for was finding lelouch.

\---------

lelouch winced as cornelia threw him in the interrogation room. she wasn't exactly gentle with these sort of things, and since euphemia was gone she lost that womanly touch. cornelia was the witch of britannia through and through. "so, lelouch, after all these years you decided to play on territory you don't belong on. didn't you tell me that you'd stay away from nations involved in political affairs?" her voice was filled with venom that lelouch could only sag his shoulders. he could tell her it wasn't in his plans to and c.c. did it against his will, but, you know. lelouch wasn't one for excuses. he didn't give any to suzaku on the night of his resurrection so why should cornelia be any different? 

"i won't give excuses. so do what you must." was his tired response and cornelia of course, scowls. she walked over towards the wall with many tools of the trade, picking up a heavy leather whip. "do you  _ know _ what this is, lelouch the demon emperor?" if he knew any better he could sense the absolute glee in her voice. cornelia didn't wait for his answer as she approached him, "you see, this is an african whipping stick made out of heavy leather.  **or sjambok** , as the tribes called it." she placed the end of the whip against lelouch's cheek, smirking at how pale his face went. 

thankfully, lelouch was smart enough to know what would come next. tired eyes warily stare at the whip in her hand and instantly lelouch knew he wasn't going to get out of this unscathed. cornelia was horrible, still holding onto her grudge and it was a miracle she had even agreed to help rescue nunnally all those years back. now? he was at her mercy. "if you refuse to cooperate, i won't hesitate to use this full force, lelouch the demon emperor." her voice was hard as she brandishes the sjambok to the side as she prepares it. 

he wants to laugh but decides to not waste his energy. "cornelia," he drawls, "before doing that, where am i exactly?" at least give him peace of mind before whipping him to a pulp. it was then julius snakes his arms around him, burying his face into his neck. julius was also shaking since their body would be harmed, and he too will feel the pain. suzaku inflicting the pain was different compared to cornelia. cornelia was just ruthless and completely unforgiving. 

cornelia arched a brow, "i have taken you to paris, france. none of your friends will know you're here." and with that she started the interrogation for she was a woman with many things to do. 

"lelouch. why did you appear in japan. are you planning to start another tyranny?" her pupils thin as she stared down at this pathetic excuse for a human being. always so small and thin yet had the nerve to command people to do his bidding. at least she had honor for her men! lelouch had nothing when it came to his precious pawns. her face then formed a scowl as lelouch looked away, obviously refusing to answer. "hm. very well."

the sound of the leather whip resonates in the stale air with lelouch's scream of pain followed after. the scent of blood was fresh as his shirt began to soak with crimson from the first lash. he could feel his chest burn ever so painfully that his frail body was trembling. lelouch was even fighting the urge to vomit due to the shock. truly a pitiful sight, at least cornelia had the dignity to wait before whipping her prisoner once more. euphemia surely had her kindness rub off on her.

… how long has it been since cornelia finished her interrogation? his body was trembling with four lashes in total, the pain having him curled up in fetal position on his side. he didn't dare open his eyes since he was to nauseous. two lash marks were on his chest with one on his left leg and one between his eyes. it stung. no, it burned. actually it felt like his whole body was on damned fire. 

besides him was julius, curled up the same way since he too felt the pain inflicted on them. but unlike lelouch he decides to speak -- not like anyone else can hear him. 

"i remember this place. suzaku and i were here once."

is that so…

"i asked him about the pretty sunflowers. they were so beautiful." a cough which turned into a wheeze.  _ stop talking if it hurts _ , lelouch thinks. but julius doesn't. 

"i don't know why i remembered sunflowers. then again… i didn't remember a lot. i was told the britannian royal family valued me as the master tactician. i believed them."

**disgusting** . is that  _ what _ his bastard father  **_chose_ ** to do when he had been turned in? lelouch couldn't express his disgust since his body was in too much pain. damn it.

"i was always so thirsty and suzaku always glared at me like i'm kind of monster. but i know why now since you were the one who took everything away from him." there was no anger in julius' voice, just realization. it sounded like he never knew until it was too late.

"he tried to kill me by strangling me. i guess, tried to kill us. maybe because of the euphemia girl." well, that made sense. suzaku never forgave him for killing his half sister even when it was his fault. the truth would always be his to bear.

julius never continues when he shakily places a trembling hand on lelouch's leg. lelouch can barely feel anything when slender fingers curl into the fabric of his pants as if holding onto a lifeline. 

lelouch might've well be if he wanted to stay alive.

\---------

"if you haven't figured out, lelouch falls on the both of you." c.c. says when they scout out clues from the sumeragi massacre that will undoubtedly spread in a day or two. the more they stay the more they'll be pinned as suspects. kallen and suzaku glance up at her words as they both responded with a resonating  _ huh? _

c.c. rolls her eyes as she slumped against the nearest wall, staring boredly at the blood stains on it. "my contract with him is done. well. it was done after he came back. he made my wish come true and lelouch gave me many experiences." she rubbed her thumb against the bamboo wall. "i was always selfish and him being here means i can't always keep him. you two will have to pay attention to him. he's full of secrets that he wants it taken to his metaphorical grave." she looks up with a sigh. there were some loose ends on her end that she must finish, especially since God was going around doing as it pleased. 

kallen sighs, "i see. so you're leaving again?" she stands up straight with her gaze on c.c. "yes. and i need you two to find lelouch. i have an idea where cornelia took him." she takes out a USB from her pocket and tossed it to suzaku, who caught it with ease. "somewhere in france and that has information from an insider. i won't say who but they'll find you."

suzaku rubbed his cheek as he nods, brain rushing. lelouch. lelouch. he needed to find lelouch ASAP and cornelia dared to take him. even tohdo! not that tohdoh was indebted to them either way. "right. okay. i'll take care of lelouch." suzaku spoke as he heads where the lancelot was, urgency coursing inside of him.

**not now.** he won't let cornelia take away lelouch. his mind was far away when kallen shouted for him when she follows him.

c.c. watches them leave with dull eyes, though her gaze was on kallen's back. she ignores the lingering feeling of want, so c.c. inhales deeply.

"lelouch, you fool. i had to lie for you. tohdoh never came and cornelia never found our location." she sighs as her head hangs.

it'll be worse when suzaku finds out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> props if you can understand what suzaku's dream meant.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is even going on this chapter. blame julius.

_ you poisoned me just for another dollar in your pocket. _

\---------

traveling to france was less than pleasant for suzaku after witnessing what was on the USB that c.c. gave to him. hands were shaking as he pilots the lancelot with his eyes filled with anger. god damn it, fucking cornelia. of course it was her that would have taken lelouch. of course it was cornelia that had to cause issues. he inhales through his nose to see how much longer it would take to reach france -- the timer estimated about three more hours. "i'm so fucking tired. i don't know what's going on anymore." he ran fingers through his messy hair in frustration. suzaku knew this would have happened ever since he became the new zero since the requiem. no other purpose in life, and now he was being tugged in variations of directions. he wants to follow lelouch, wants to abandon lelouch and he wanted to go live in solitude. 

the dream still stuck to him from the last time he's slept, and he counts how many hours it had been since he left. "nine hours." it had been nine hours since he left japan to head to france, and he was lucky to not have anyone stop him. suzaku was tired since it's been so long since he slept, hands shaking as he gripped the controls.

"last time i've been here… was several years ago. since…" memories of him bringing lelouch to charles burns terribly in his brain that he swallows the lump in his throat. 

upon reaching france, he stopped at the coordinates that c.c. had left in the USB. he realizes that he parks lancelot (  **_hah_ ** ) near what it seems like several wagons and a group of people. when he lands, they did take notice of his presence as a soldier dressed like the rest of the gipsies that were with him. once he got out of his cockpit and pockets his key, suzaku greets the stranger with a curt nod.

"name." the young man says, suzaku noting his thick japanese accent. "suzaku kururugi. i was given this by a comrade." he took out the USB from his other pocket to show to the stranger. blue eyes stare at the USB before easily swiping it from his grasp, "come with me, kururugi-san. names akito hyuga." he was brief as he turns to gesture him to follow. suzaku has no choice when he does, feeling quite out of place. how long had it been since he's been around wildlife and not the confines of any types of walls? 

"whose this guy, akito?"

"suzaku kururugi, ryo. where's ashley?" 

"he's with ayano and yukiya getting firewood and other shit." 

suzaku watches as the taller man with spiked brunet hair round up on him with a pointed glare. he doesn't flinch as he looked up at him, grateful he trained his face to remain stoic as usual. "so, you're the guy we're expecting? you don't look britannian or dress like one." ryo scoffed as he pulls back which made suzaku only frown. it takes him a moment to remember that he knew absolutely next to nothing outside the affairs he and lelouch (  _ julius at the time _ ) had been assigned to. "no, i am not. i serve no britannian." his voice as tight and he blinks when ryo simply laughs. just what was so amusing? 

"ryo, you hunk! whose your friend?" an ederly lady laughs as her hands grabbed onto the rock firm asscheeks of his interrogater. suzaku blinks once again but in complete bewilderment as ryo seemed pleased from the attention on his body. when a few other ederly women came to lavish attention on ryo, suzaku simply took a step back. 

"old ladies! this is suzaku kururugi. he's here to deal with a britannian issue for us!" he only grinned as they flattered him with their invasive manhandling. suzaku just didn't know what in the world was going on. his green eyes blink when he hears more shouts and cheers, seeing three more individuals emerge from the trees.

a young woman and two young men that seemed rather experienced with their own personal hell. 

"huuuh? whose that? akito!"

"suzaku kururugi."

"oh? what a japanese name. how did he find us?"

"USB coordinates."

before suzaku could even think, blink or speak he was hurried away from an ederly with black glasses and an ederly who was taller than the rest. "w-what?! where are you taking me?!" the confusion was apparent as they shoved him into one of the large wagons. he looks around as they closed the door to see different assortments of clothing and some of the women cackled. 

suzaku sighs in defeat.

"so how long will he stay here?" ayano brings up the question once leila returns with some carrots in her basket. the group sat at the tables that were previously set up, as it had been obvious none of them expected suzaku's arrival so soon. most of them were wary while the rest were curious. 

leila picks up a knife as she reached into the basket for a carrot,"we don't know. all i know is we asked c.c. for help on the sudden arrival of the britannian command. we gave her that USB in hopes she can provide help." how long has it been since that year? after managing to save her loved ones and live the traveling lifestyle, she had heard about the war that escalated some time after. there were whispers of the imperial majesty having been executed for crimes on the entire planet. though she made a promise to not dive deeper than that… but cornelia's presence did trouble her and the rest of the european citizens of france. 

_ no one _ wanted britannia in these lands besides empress nunnally. it never made them realize until cornelia's presence that they felt threatened. her being here would be treason regardless of her motives! france already had their government and military working together with empress nunnally's aid. "i wonder if this means we can pilot again, but it looks like suzaku-san can handle himself. have you seen those muscles?" yukiya smirked as he had to admit their newest addition had something attractive about him.

"contain that thirst yukiya." akito simply responded when he was peeling potatoes for the stew for later that night. yukiya only smirks at him and then they all looked up when suzaku finally walked out of the wagon.

one of the old ladies gasped, "oh my stars and garters."

suzaku wore something similar to akito, but he was wearing a purple top with black jeans and a yellow belt. suzaku blinks as the older women surrounded him, brow raised as he didn't understand the sudden commotion. 

"what's the big fuss? they're just clothes." he decided to fold his zero outfit and tuck it under his arms, planning to put it in the lancelot. yukiya whistles when he walks over to examine suzaku, "you look pretty hot. look at these damn muscles." he leans in with a wolfish grin as fingers ran on suzaku's abs. ayano sighs as she dragged her friend from suzaku, who seemed rather perplexed by the advances. ashley couldn't help but laugh as he pats suzaku on his shoulder, "you know, the grannies will have a field day since you got here. hope ya don't mind." he wolfishly grins as he went to prepare the noodles.

all suzaku did was leave to put the zero costume inside of the lancelot. 

if suzaku had to be honest he didn't expect this sort of gathering to wait for him when he arrived in france. the woodlands were a nice change from japan and pendragon, so he didn't complain that much. he did feel  **somewhat** bad leaving behind kallen when hearing that lelouch had been taken by cornelia with tohdoh's aid, but there was a bothersome gut feeling. would his old sensei actually work with cornelia to scout out lelouch? no, suzaku knew that was highly unlikely due to the lack of established trust.

"kururugi-san." leila's voice interrupts his thoughts and glances over to her with a slow blink. he almost does a double take when he stares at her eyes -- violet but not the charming deep amethyst that lelouch has. "uhm… are you alright?" she seemed rather surprised at his sudden stare that he looked back down at the bowl of stew.  _ i haven't even touched it _ , he grimly thinks. suzaku is also aware of the unreadable stare from akito, all he does is bite his lower lip. 

would it be an understatement when he confesses he feels like an outsider here? 

"so, kururugi-san. i was wondering when you'd like to go take care of that britannian force? my friends and i will be willing to help." leila continues as she watches him with concerned eyes. suzaku could only poke at his stew with a lump in his throat. leila's kindness reminded him of euphemia that he had to push it back down. there was no reason to snap around innocent strangers. they didn't warrant one of his episodes.

when he realizes he wasn't hungry, he just sets his spoon down. no appetite ever since he's taken the zero persona and he couldn't force it. not like he could taste anything food related anymore. "i was hoping to do it sometime tonight or early in the morning." monotone as usual, watching as ryo took his bowl and watching as ryo fought with ashley on who will eat the stew. suzaku briefly wonders if the black knights had been like this during zero's reign.

leila hums thoughtfully, "my akito, can you help him scout out the coordinates where cornelia is? you can decide on who to take." she says while placing her hand tenderly over his. suzaku refused to watch their exchange as it hurt his heart, heavily reminding him when he had been euphemia's knight. "alright. i'll take ashley and yukiya with me." akito simply answers as he gets up from his chair, thanking everyone for the meal. yukiya seemed rather pleased to be chosen and ashley just cracks his knuckles.

"alright! i haven't done anything fun for awhile!" 

"akito, i need ayano or ryo to at least monitor us on the computer."

suzaku watches as akito only nods to yukiya before heading off towards the wagon with ryo. his dazed mind didn't register the situation just yet but he understood he had to place trust in these individuals. and hopefully not be too  **unnerved** by akito's blank stare.

when 6 p.m. rolls around, suzaku finds himself near the lake as akito had told him he needed to speak with him. hell, he even claimed it was 'urgent'.

( suzaku wonders if it truly was urgent as akito says but he knows better than to test unknown territory. plus, he didn't want to ruin the peace these travelers had. )

"glad you could make it." akito's voice brings his attention away from the waters, glancing over to see him approach. suzaku knew that posture and that blank expression anywhere, since it was more of a soldier thing to adapt to. "it would have been rude to deny your invitation." suzaku responds curtly, and he wonders if he is coming across as too uptight. old habits died hard when all your life made you a certain way. akito raised a brow yet says nothing as he approaches the edge of the river's water to stare at the pastel colored sky. it was obvious that the sun was setting. 

"is that so." came the aloof response and suzaku can't help but tilt his head to the side. he waits for akito to elaborate. "kururugi-san, i am grateful you're here to help. don't think i'm not." akito starts as he squats near the waters to watch the waves come by lazily. suzaku pauses, opens his mouth but chose to close it. he could tell akito wasn't finished. "we japanese are very honorable." akito continues, suzaku glancing to the side. where exactly was this headed?

akito places his hands on his knees while watching the sun set, the pastel sky slowly becoming a warm watercolor. "knowing the history of what britannia had done, we japanese wouldn't have chosen to stop a britannian high command. it usually takes a special person to get that mindset." he briefly thinks of leila, a soft smile on his lips. "you have someone you hold dear and want to save,  _ is that it _ ?" his gaze is unreadable as he slowly stands on his feet. suzaku simply blinked and grit his teeth. 

"no… it...it's rather complicated." he breathes through his nose, watching as akito turns to look at him. suzaku hated this because akito is staring into his soul with those unreadable blue eyes. suzaku feels somewhat uncomfortable, "what? can't i have my own reasons?" he lets out a sigh, folding arms across his chest. this only makes akito raise a brow. 

"sure. but know if you do anything to harm my loved ones, i won't hesitate to kill you." akito responds and suzaku is taken aback. not by the insult but the  _ sheer _ calmness akito's voice has when he said it. 

suzaku felt like an idiot as he dumbly watches akito leave, staring at the waters as his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. was he truly that shocked when akito said that? 

(  _ no, you idiot. he has someone he loves and a family. what do you have? nothing. not even lelouch. _ )

"shut up." his voice was quiet yet it doesn't do anything to hush the demons in his brain. 

\---------

how much time has passed when cornelia had first tossed him into this cell and whipped him for his lack of cooperation? lelouch couldn't recall. after so many hours pass and his body was exhausted from shock, he finally had the energy to wake up. it was hard to considering the wound on his face had crusted from the blood that wasn't properly cleaned off. it extended to his eyes and lelouch didn't want to even bother to try using his fingers. that would have been quite a fools errand.

"we look like a mess." julius murmurs as he rests his head on lelouch's side, thankfully he didn't have the curse of bearing the scars. when lelouch doesn't respond, his fingers brush against his limp hand as if to soothe him. "we almost died due to your stubbornness… we couldn't handle that whip. cornelia knew that." he sighs, lacing their fingers together. lelouch's hand felt cold and clammy, but that also meant his did too. of course lelouch wouldn't answer because he felt their body was unstable from the physical pain. this pain was much, much worse than what suzaku gave them.

julius almost felt some sort of sick, twisted glee when they both came to that realization. their body was essentially trained to handle suzaku's physical abuse in his episodes of anger that julius laughs like a giddy school girl. "we were destined to be with him, i just know it." he moves upwards to rest his cheek against lelouch's muss of hair. he knew lelouch thinks otherwise. eventually he watches lelouch open his eyes and damn did he look like hell. "are you alright? that wound is awful…" lelouch could only shake himself as he slowly sits up with a pained whine. "cornelia… she'll come back soon." he murmurs and julius nods with a grim expression. 

lelouch had been a fool to think he could have contacted nunnally without the repercussions. he didn't think to imagine any others would trace the call and never thought cornelia would be the one to go after him. he exhales through his mouth as his body trembles as he needs to regain his composure. 

paris, france.

on any other day he wants to visit the european beauty without any issues but he needed to get out. amethyst eyes stare at the cell he was in and it was only because of julius that there was a sense of familiarity. this wasn't a feeling he needed right now since he had to get out of here somehow. yes, the geass was still his but he's sure cornelia had some plan to counter it. 

unknown to lelouch his 'rescue party' had already infiltrated the building he was kept in.

he was too exhausted to keep awake as his eyes simply close with the sound of julius humming in his ear.

…. how odd for cornelia to keep anything in one of the church's that paris had. 

suzaku finds it highly hilarious since she never seemed to be the religious type. but it just seemed she chose this area because it was long abandoned and she could easily set up britannian roots here without resistance if the knightmares placed outside of the church indicated anything different. akito as well took notice of this, yukiya and ashley gave each other a knowing smirk. it was pretty amusing to see the white reaper out of his depth and it made them somewhat vindictive due to what britannia has done in the past. “this church had long been abandoned since the outbreak of riots that happened. ever since the claims of the nuclear power plant being destroyed, this church was looted and destroyed. but it does lead to the underground prisons.” yukiya informed their clueless white reaper, who just simply nodded in jerky motions.

akito hushed them with a raised brow when they chose to hide out behind several trees that would provide enough cover. “we risked it by coming here without any knightmares and suzaku’s lancelot is the best we have for a last resort.” he said as he glanced back towards the three. he could make this work since yukiya had knowledge of hacking and could plant bombs if they needed to truly escape with cover. ashley was a born fighter in and out of his knightmare so he and akito could make things work. the ideal plan was to stop cornelia from using france as a base of whatever operations she planned to do while suzaku can find whatever he was looking for. now he had to figure out how to infiltrate without really causing a scene. “there should be an underground sewage line that we can use. can you find one, yukiya?” akito finally says and yukiya grins as he pulls out his trusty handheld computer that he always kept on him. “sure, i’ll hack the systems around us. leave it to a britannian leader to choose a rather isolated place. makes me think she chose this area to avoid detection.” he idly comments when his fingers tapped on the keys to bring up the map data.

suzaku frowns, “cornelia was never one to avoid anything… she did things with the intent to let people know she wasn’t one to fool around with.” it didn’t make sense. he wasn’t extremely smart to know her own routines but he  _ had  _ been a knight of euphemia and before then, her honorary pilot of the lancelot. his brain attempted to figure out the missing puzzle piece because his damn gut refused to let him rest. something was terribly wrong and he needed to find out why.

for some reasons, he couldn’t help but tie it to lelouch. it was almost like a bitter feeling that left a sour taste in his mouth. of course it’d always tie to lelouch one way or another. had that damned immortal did something so careless to get caught? and suzaku let a hiss sound. that meant c.c. had been lying to him too. why did everyone around him have the need to lie to him? he wasn’t that damned fragile with the truth.

(  _ oh, but you are. why are you lying to yourself even now?  _ )

suzaku wanted to bash his head into the ground just to shut up the voice that always had the last word.

“bingo. there is a sewage system we can go through and luckily for us, we won’t have to deal with shitty water.” yukiya announced when he scanned the blueprint on the screen. ashley grinned, “about time. i didn’t know how long it’d take for us to do anything. as much as i fancy going inside headfirst…” akito cut him off with a hand held up and a shake of his head. “i know, i know. you don’t gotta tell me.” the red head sighs as he gave his friend a pout. 

akito took the small computer from yukiya when it was offered to him so he could simply observe. he knew france had been behind in their own technology and building structures but this certainly took the cake. despite france and their misgivings thanks to britannia, they had a way to sneak in. even if it was less than pleasant there was no reason to complain. 

“then lets go.” suzaku simply says and akito nods, as they all got up to head for their less than desired location.

suzaku didn’t know what he expected when they climbed down the ladder that led to the sewers, the stench hitting his nose rather strongly. the others seemed rather uncaring as if they had done this before while this was essentially the first time he had to go into the sewers. yukiya and ashley were already scouting the parameters while akito was tugging suzaku closer to him. “this is the plan. we’re going to distract them while you search for whatever you need. luckily, we can draw attention from cornelia. you need to let us know when you get your target so we can bring her out in the open.” he releases his wrist while his gaze settled on the paths that led to different directions. yukiya was already finding the path that would lead them into the church as ashley had been preparing his guns with bullets. 

they had to remember this was a rescue mission and try to get cornelia to leave, they had to prevent as many casualties such as death. they didn’t want another war on their hands even if there were some hungry for it. as suzaku remembered this was the peace that leila wanted for her friends even if the entire world burned. 

could… could have lelouch thought the same as well? did lelouch think of the same when he did what he did as zero? something told suzaku ‘ **no** ’. it was almost stupid to think that lelouch had been capable of it even when his little sister nunnally was involved. that he had been involved. everyone that came across lelouch had been involved and their wishes all molded into the young man that never got to know what tomorrow would have given to him. 

“there.” yukiya suddenly says as he points ahead to their left, causing the other three to glance at him. “we need to head there. it’ll take us to the prison that’s under the church.” he informed them and ashley raised a brow. “holy shit, a prison? why does a church even have one?” his expression was grim as they followed yukiya down the path as the brunet was observing the data on the screen. “there should be two double doors and that’ll lead us inside. there are stairs -- if things down here weren’t updated.” 

akito pauses as he heard some movement, listening to their surroundings. perhaps he was being on edge but akito didn't enjoy being in the unknown. he deemed it trivial so they moved on. eventually they found the double doors yukiya spoke of, suzaku and ashley pushing it open. it was abandoned just like the church it was under and there was a set of stairs that they could take.

"the prison was for those who defied the church before britannia took over. the cells were updated to keep war prisoners and britannia used this place as means to win in the euro-britannian war." yukiya explained as he tapped on his computer keys to access more information hidden in the system. suzaku just let out a small  _ huh _ while akito and ashley said nothing. all suzaku wanted to do was find lelouch and take him away from cornelia, and report it to nunnally when they got the chance. "okay, i'll work from here since no one knows about this place. you guys go on. akito, ashley. i'll send coordinates to where cornelia will be so you can lure her out. suzaku, luckily for you someone is in a cell. it isn't a big prison so you won't have a hard time."

once they gained the needed information thanks to yukiya, the three head up the stairs so they can proceed. 

\---------

it didn't take long for julius to believe he absolutely hated cornelia. the way she held herself, the way she believed she was of some importance -- julius thought cornelia was nothing more than trash. she took enjoyment in hurting lelouch that eventually he had to force himself to front, his pissed off expression was the last thing she saw before she left. "stupid fucking bitch." julius spat as he looked at their body, hissing in annoyance at the burn marks that marred pale flesh. did cornelia think she was being tasteful when branding the imperial family's symbol on their hands? on their arms? stomach? 

gods, he needed to find a way to rid of them. they were ugly and against everything they knew. did cornelia intend to brand them as hers for political tools?  _ fuck her and fuck euphemia _ . julius now has a hatred for those two women who indirectly made hell for he and lelouch. julius could feel sweat dripping down his forehead since the burning heat remained to linger on frail flesh, swallowing back the bile that threaten to rise up. from the corner of his eye there were several guards stationed in front of his holding cell but julius can see the ring of keys dangling from his belt.

julius wonders if it really is worth the risk since he had no idea what could happen. he understood he has geass but he never tried using it… though direct eye contact was all he needed. 

(  _ in your mind, all your demons are rattling chains. _ )

tapping fingertips against his lips, julius grins. cornelia  **didn't** have a countermeasure for geass when it came to the guards. in fact, she didn't either. for someone who claimed to hate geass she certainly liked staring down at him. them.

"i'm not a slave if that's what you think, you  **pink and pompous** **_bitch_ ** ." julius sneered as he, with great effort got onto his feet. 

ignoring the shouts of the guards, he saunters over to the bars but dares not to touch them. he knows they were filled with electricity that would shock him ( them ) if he touched it. 

"hello, darlings. do you want to let off some steam?" julius cooed with a soft sweet voice. he knew how to tantilize others with his charm, raising his head as lashes flutter. he could tell one of them twitched at his voice but didn't budge to look at him. this only makes julius sneer. julius smacked his lips together as his eyes were trained on the keys, he knew how to make men hot and bothered -- happened with suzaku plenty of times.

"you know, you can give me the keys if you let me suck your dicks." he has a coy smile as his hands were placed behind his back, watching as the guards were looking at another at his offer. julius simply scoffed when they considered it, if they think he'd really do it then they were pathetic fools. 

before he could speak again, julius notices a figure from the other side and he tilts his head with a curious expression. was it another guard that came to check on his condition for cornelia? if that were the case then he'll have to get rid of him too. 

well, that would have been fine until he notices a blur of an assortment of colors go by and next thing julius sees were bodies on the ground. "well, holy shit. what the fuck.  _ what the fuck _ ." brain suddenly muddled of anything smart to say, julius looked up to see suzaku (  _ oh joyous day, his love is here his love is here ~ ) _ grabbing the keys from the fallen body. he couldn't help but stare at suzaku as he got the needed key to release him --

until suzaku looked at him clearly. 

seeing the lashes on his body causes suzaku to feel rage spread inside of his chest, using the keys to open the cell. without a word and a kicking of the door, suzaku rushes in and grasps julius on the shoulders. however julius was no longer available as lelouch shrugged himself awake in their mental space. "your face. what did she do to you?" his voice shook with unbridled rage when his fingers traced delicately on the scar between his eyes. lelouch inhales as he had no idea what just happened nor did he understand that julius had some part of this. he just knew that suzaku was here and staring at him with burning green eyes. 

"ah? oh, she used a sjambok. i think that's what it's called. sjambook? i didn't bother to listen..." lelouch shrugs as he secretly relished the touches and suzaku gave to him - even if it was misguided. suzaku could only scowl at him before pulling him close, "you're going to explain what the hell you did and how you got cornelia's attention." he hisses, causing lelouch to shiver in response. it didn't help that their chests were pressing against another and that images flashed in his mind --

(  _ no, we have to let suzaku go. we can't work with him. _ ) damn. lelouch had to get rid of suzaku somehow even if it hurt. he wants to apologize but his mind was numb just like his lips. he didn't even realize that suzaku had been relaying information on the communicator on his left ear. 

"i got them. where are you guys at?" 

_ "nearing the main hall. make way back to where we came but take the opposite direction and you'll find another set of stairs. cornelia's unaware and yukiya has everything set." _

lelouch has no idea who is speaking or what suzaku had been up to all this time. he knew it had been possibly two days since cornelia got him but lelouch needed to get away. "suzaku, i appreciate your help but i can get out by myself." and, of course suzaku just, you know gracefully grabs his neck. not to mention he was facing the rather pissed off expression that he was known for.

"listen, lelouch, i traveled nine fucking hours straight just to get here and just to save your fucking ass. be glad c.c. was nice enough to tell me." his thumb presses against lelouch's adam apple, feeling pleasure in feeling the pulse quicken. suzaku didn't have time to understand why he felt these strange feelings nor did he understand why he just wanted to push lelouch onto the ground to simply  _ fuck him _ .

or maybe it's because he's god damn hormonal and he just wants to shove himself inside of lelouch, possibly to make him keen in god damn pleasure. just to see that smug face contort in pleasure because of  **him** .

lelouch took in a deep breath and just didn't want to exhaust himself any more. suzaku kept his hand around his throat as if to make his point, but lelouch briefly couldn't help but think on how intimate this was in his fucked up brain. so when suzaku's hand moved from his throat to his wrist, lelouch follows without much of a choice. he'll have to figure out what to do once they both got out of here, thankful that suzaku wasn't ignoring his stamina. "lelouch, are you running out of breath?" he slows down, pulling him close to simply ignore his protests.

next thing lelouch knew he was scooped up bridal style. he mentally curses himself since suzaku had no issue handling him as his weight wasn't impressive. "suzaku!" "shut up and hold on, lelouch." his low voice was enough to send sensations between his legs that he had to hide his face in suzaku's chest. fuck. fuck, fuck. he needs to let go of suzaku so he can figure out what to do next. he'll have to find a way to get away so he can contact nunnally.

not to mention c.c. needed to see what was going on in c's world. was it affecting him and suzaku? or just him? 

"suzaku… t...thank you."

(  _ and that moment suzaku felt something in his chest break and bleed _ )


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, shorter than usual. pacing pacing and more emotions and suddenly...?!?!?!?!?!?

_ I hear you on the radio, you permeate my screen, its' unkind but… If I met you in a scissor fight I'd cut off both your wings on principle alone. _

\---------

lelouch stirred in the bed he had been placed in, feeling the lash wounds remain sore on his body. three days since suzaku broke him out from cornelia's hold and three days had passed since nunnally rained hell onto their older half sister. and just like when he had been brought back to life thanks to c.c.'s foolishness, cornelia was stripped of her power and title due to treason. lelouch didn't need to know the event that had happened when they returned to pendragon with not just him and suzaku but they were joined by some unexpected company.

he hardly remembers their names but they had insist having an audience with his sister… which would be happening right now. his body aches from that treacherous situation since cornelia had the  **absolute gall** to physically punish him. when suzaku saw those lashings and marks, lelouch finally understood what it was like to piss off a dead man. in any other situation he would have found it hot despite the growing arousal. lelouch cursed under his breath at the familiar stickiness between slender legs, tossing the blanket off of him.

"this is getting out of control." julius uttered as he sat at the edge of the bed whilst lelouch fumbled with the buttons of the pajamas. "suzaku is getting too close and as much as i love it," he continued with a dramatic sigh, "we have stuff to figure out. like who killed is that last time? i feel like that bitch was a part of it but." it didn't take lelouch any brain power to know what julius didn't say. lelouch got up to rummage through the dresser, displeased that all he had were suzaku's clothes. yes, as much as he would love to sink into them they were just not his style.

he barely reacted when julius wraps arms around his body from behind, fingers digging into his blemished flesh. leave it to cornelia to leave her unsavory marks on their body. "i know. i want to see him too but we promised to stay away. even if we just…" julius was struggling now, a sign of vulnerability on both their ends. they both knew they had to let go of suzaku kururugi or they can't ever figure out that day if their murder. the memories cause lelouch's fingers to twitch as he recalls how his mother had been assassinated so brutally and how it was similar when it was himself and c.c.

lelouch paled and julius grips tighter, if he were solid there would've been blood by now. his mind was spinning at the possibilities of just that  _ one immortal _ coming back and it brought back memories that haunts him. lelouch stumbles back as his heart quickens as clothes were long forgotten and he simply stumbles back onto the bed. 

"what's wrong?" always curious julius in his ear, unaware of the memories lelouch held on to. perhaps it was good that julius didn't since these memories were his to bear after forgetting who he was. lelouch could only curl up with blankets and sheets wrapping around him, eyes hooded with despair. 

if  _ he _ was back then something terrible went wrong. he recalls the black sphere in c's world where the souls of the dead gather, wailing and envying. lelouch also recalls wanting to get away from it so badly but never really succeeded. it was just always there. 

"lelouch." annoyance. 

"... don't worry about it, julius. i don't want to jump to conclusions." lelouch finally responds as exhaustion takes over him. his mind already succumb to darkness before any response was made.

julius stares ever so briefly before laying next to him, staring with unblinking eyes and a smile so similar to the beloved cheshire cat.

"oh, but you've already have,  _ mon cher _ ."

\---------

as zero, he wasn't supposed to feel anything but the burden that remained on whatever was left of his soul. the mask only hid his empty eyes even as he remained watchful by nunnally's side, even if she expressed her dislike for killing lelouch. as zero, he didn't feel anything when she expressed those feelings.

but when he was suzaku again and the mask taken off, he broke down and would cry. his tears would hit the visor of the mask and his mind would first imagine euphie, cradling her face as the last of her life seeped away. when his mind goes to the long gone princess he wishes to wail but knows he can't because he's already done so. so, then his mind imagines lelouch. but when it does there was so many versions of lelouch vi britannia that it changed each time. 

the child, the school boy, the amnesiac, the master tactician of britannia, the demon emperor and finally the immortal.

hatred always came in waves and so did the denial. it crashes, it burns him and eventually drowns him that breathing was hard. suzaku sinks a bit deeper into the ocean depths whenever he thinks about lelouch, the one who used lies to keep the world at arms lengths. even now, lelouch was trying to do the same again.

suzaku concluded that he loathes this mask that now shapes his identity. he loathes it because it ties to lelouch, the one who wronged countless people and used lives to his own expense. 

( a demon that tormented souls in the realm of humans, just for the sake of a young angel. )

but even if he loathed the mask he as well needed it. to hide his emotions, to hide the tears he'll shed each time they celebrated the deaths of the demon emperor and the white reaper. he also needed it because for the same reason why he loathed it, it was his only tie to lelouch.

even if the real lelouch was in his old room several halls down. 

suzaku places the mask on the table where the cape rest, sitting on the lounge sofa with an exhausted expression. france was still giving him jetlag, the whole issue where he apprehended cornelia left an ache in his sore body, and just everything was falling apart.

not to mention kallen had screamed at him for leaving her behind, her bright eyes filled with angry tears. she didn't accept any of his apologies, punched him hard in the gut while cursing in their native tongue. 

(  _ "you asshole! you weren't the only one worried about him! what gave you the right, you fucking prick?!" _ )

suzaku just groans as he rests his head on the pillow provided, squeezing eyes shut. even nunnally was disappointed in him for his sudden departure but she didn't yell at him over it. **_"i'm just disappointed you didn't warn me beforehand."_ ** her frown spoke volumes when he got down to one knee to explain of his sudden absence and the issue with cornelia -- excluding any mention of lelouch.

he didn't know what to say besides the usual three words, stood up straight and left upon her dismissal. if anything, suzaku felt like the world was crushing his shoulders so his lungs would be deprived of oxygen. being zero had never been so complicated but being suzaku kururugi? it was ten thousand times a lot harder than he expected. 

and as arthur jumps onto his lap to curl up and purr to ease his anxieties, suzaku closed his eyes to sleep.

and for once he did not dream.

\---------

nunnally and lelouch stare at another, a silence weighing like a gentle blanket between them. she held one of his hands with a gentle smile, squeezing it as if he were to disappear. lelouch couldn't be surprised when she had figured it out and the urgency in her voice made him succumb. 

" _ lelouch! open the door _ !" her voice was no longer frail like it had been many years ago as the strength of her resolve changed her. lelouch had only briefly paused before granting her wish and was met with tearful eyes.

once again she squeezed his hand with her gaze trained out the large window. "big brother… how long has it been? i've missed you so much." her voice was full of affection and hope that made lelouch guilty. he had told her she didn't need him anymore. he had held nunnally's hand as she pleaded for him to stay, pleading as she offered to bear the burdens with him. lelouch having admired her kindness simply refused her offer before leaving to find c.c.

\--- he clearly remembered the pain on both faces of nunnally and suzaku, who had been happy to see him alive. 

but this wasn't a world he belonged in and he knew even if he wished it, it wouldn't ever happen. unlike c.c. he was not selfish as many thought him to be, always putting others before him. that's why he planned zero requiem so when zero killed him the world will be free. 

"i'm sorry, nunnally. but i'm here now." just for now, until he found out who was trying to tarnish the dream he left behind. he has an idea but his gut demands him to not go there, julius is poking for answers in his memories, and the feeling of helplessness stirs within. it was only a week and it felt like years since he awakened. a week of bewilderment, secrets, and emotions that he refuses to speak of.

nunnally squeezed his hand.

"i hate this world, lelouch."

well… he didn't expect that. he just chose not to speak since he expected nunnally to continue. "the world hurt you so badly, and you took it. you let the world hate you because they couldn't understand." she inhales and turned her head to look at him. underneath that kind gaze there was a hidden darkness underneath, which one lelouch was too familiar of. he shouldn't be surprised that she was similar to himself, though her strength was to kill others with kindness. 

"i don't forgive you for what you did, though i knew you had no choice. i knew that there had been no other way, and if there was… euphie and suzaku's methods would have worked." 

lelouch felt his breath catch in his throat as she stares at him with those large eyes. eyes filled with determination, anger ( to the world ), compassion, and love. nunnally was everything he couldn't be and lelouch was so, so proud of her. he's proud of her for understanding and proud that she chose to not hate him. 

"but i also know suzaku wasn't right either. killing to gain peace his way wasn't ideal either." her voice trembles as she looks out the window, admiring the periwinkles and the purple roses that were surrounded by pink and red. the purple she so associated with her older brother's bright eyes that held knowledge and the dangers which swim in their depths. "i think… you two were so stupid to do what you did. you both didn't trust me, or anyone with your plans and -- " nunnally inhales deeply as she closes her eyes tightly, as if she were trying to reign in emotions.

lelouch places a hand on her head in which she chose to relax. for this moment she didn't have to be  _ empress nunnally _ but just, nunnally. in her heart she was always a little sister before being an empress. 

"come join my side, lelouch. i want you and suzaku to get therapy while making this world work. no one is in our way now."

( she glared and lelouch understood. )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!@??!?@?@?@?@?#,
> 
> what will happen now?!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so therapy's here. and it'll get worse before it gets better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is otherwise known as 'big oof'.

_ I sold out my friends, ruined my life all over again. _

\---------

"your majesty, surely you don't mean to be seriou s about lelouch working with you. he's a demon, he killed many --"

" _ excuse me _ , kururugi, are you insinuating you are  **free** from that blame? you took many lives with your own hands as well!"

"i didn't think human lives were expendable like you did, you damned hypocrite! i didn't use them like you did!"

"oh. so now  _ i'm _ the hypocrite? and don't bloody lie, kururugi, you expended human life like the good britannian dog you were.  _ knight of betrayal _ !"

"say that again,  **_false king_ ** ! i did what was right to stop your damned terrorism!"

" **_ENOUGH_ ** !"

nunnally couldn't handle any more of their damned yelling, as she could only take so much. she had to sit there for half an hour as they were at each other's throats, watching them throw insults and jabs as if to hurt. she knew this was a risk to take in hopes to keep them close but she didn't realize how big it could be.

the two men were already grabbing at each other's throats, glaring with smoldering emeralds and amethysts as they attempted to struggle for dominance. lelouch hadn't been against the proposition but suzaku was. it literally only took him half a minute to process and to scream hysterics. 

"i refuse to accept the damn liars help! all he will do is ruin everything when you let him have a taste of political power!" 

nunnally noticed the look of hurt on her brothers face even if it was subtle. it was in his eyes, in the way his teeth grind against another and the way he went rigid. she knew why he had to lie and it was out of line for suzaku to bring it up. 

"and i refuse to accept the opinions of a  **traitor** who'd sell out his friends if it means a damn promotion of his  _ fragile ego _ ."

and that's when the first punch connected, nunnally shouting as lelouch fell to the floor with a pissed off suzaku on his chest. lelouch's brain was on adrenaline as he raised his arms to block the punch aiming for his face. he wasn't so weak this time since he had time to somewhat build his stamina and his reflexes improved, learning aikido over the years being with c.c. 

lelouch inhales as he shuts his eyes, quietly pleading julius to help him since he knew he couldn't harm suzaku. julius on the other hand…

"you killed so many people! people that trusted you!  **_you killed euphemia because of that stupid_ ** \--"

"jesus fucking christ, can you shut up about her  **for once** ?"

julius snarled, making an x with his arms to block his upcoming punch and proceeded to use suzaku's energy to shove him off. was he tired of hearing about some dead woman who no longer could do anything in the physical world? yes. yes he fucking was.

when he rushes over suzaku, he slams his foot against the ex knight's cock with a sneer. he didn't care if lelouch and suzaku had issues with another but he's god damned done. julius gives a brief smile to nunnally (  _ and she pales because it's so, so evil _ ) while looking down. "suzaku," julius he made sure to dig his heel somewhat and it delights him when he hears suzaku gasp, "let's stop with this fucking misunderstanding between you and us. i'm getting rather irritated." julius can feel some pressure on his ankles but that's because of this damned body applying pressure.

"... lelouch?" nunnally carefully starts as she watches her brother(?) sit in suzaku's lap and watch as his hands wrap around his tanned neck. her blood ran cold as she watches lelouch(?) lean in close with their lips ever so a few inches apart from another. 

suzaku was tense underneath julius, feeling his hot breath on his lips. "if you and i are to work together, we need to get some shit straight." his voice was low and sultry as thumbs stroke suzaku's neckline, staring at him with hooded eyes. suzaku stares at him with an angry glare but says nothing. he doesn't want to alert the empress of julius' existence. she doesn't need to know what he did when he turned her brother into charles.

his breath hitches as he feels julius' thumbs press against his pulse. he knew the exiled prince won't truly be able to choke him but there was a high risk that julius can try something else. 

that's when nunnally placed her small hands on julius' wrists, "lelouch. let go of suzaku." her voice was calm if slightly shaky. she had to switch to her empress persona to catch their attention, knowing if she didn't they'd ignore her. her brother(?) gives her a contemplating look before his hands release suzaku's neck, fingers fluttering as if they were butterflies. she keeps her grip on his wrists until he moves away, and she inhales deeply to steel nerves. 

they seriously needed therapy and fast.

"go to your rooms. now. don't do so much as look at each other or speak to each other. i don't have the patience to deal with your issues. you  **will** go to therapy. you  **will** try to work your issues out. and i  **will** hear of your progress. understand?"

they didn't have any right to reject it either way.

\---------

"my name is aoi fujiwara. i am your therapist since the empress is requesting it be mandatory." a woman with wavy violet hair and green eyes states as she sat in the lounge chair that was before the two young men in question. she didn't have any issues to track the mental states of the two young men that just happened to be war criminals, since to her surprise they were just so young when it happened. 

she watched as the two made the effort to not look at each other, both of them glaring at the floor. their auras were suffocating and dense, but she can tell the two were attempting to restrain themselves from hurting another. aoi mentally prepares herself as she glances at the clipboard. "alright, this part will be confidential. on the side tables next to you is a clipboard and a pen, i need you to go over it and fill out information. take your time and i will talk about what i plan to do."

the sound of their movements were their responses as she clears her throat. 

"i understand you two have a history with each other and that you two have skeletons in the closet that need to be let out. please know that this is therapy and it's meant to help you cope better instead of using self destructive tendencies. empress nunnally says you two will be having these joint sessions each week. if you refuse, the empress made it clear you will be punished."

of course they didn't respond but the heavy sounds of clipboards falling on the tables indicated their disapproval.

aoi only smiles. 

"now i may be only 40 years of age but don't try to test my patience. i'm here to listen to your troubles and can only offer so much help since in the end you two have to decide." her voice turned stern and the two men simply nodded. well, at least they were cooperating.

"first off, i want us to start with lelouch, the young man who made himself the demon emperor. you may start wherever you like, you will not be judged here." her eyes fell on lelouch, who was rubbing his hurting wrist. he was unaware of the confrontation of julius and suzaku  _ yet again _ , and it explained so much why his muscles felt strained.

lelouch felt uncomfortable being put on the spot, the possibility of being bare in front of suzaku and this woman. but he had to talk about a certain topic because dearest euphemia said to let go of her and to stop using her as a reason  **for anything** . he didn't want suzaku to hear any of this but he supposed it would've came out sooner or later.

(  _ for some reason, julius gave him an eerie grin _ )

"i… hurt someone really badly when i was zero." he slowly began, knowing this information would be pointless now. it was crucial that his identity be hidden so many years ago but now? there was a way to speak about it. nunnally knew who he was back then and so did anyone else that worked under him. 

lelouch could feel suzaku's and aoi's eyes on him. one's stare was burning with expectance while the other simply waits with a gentle patience. he gulps.

"that person's dead now because i made a mistake." his voice seems to drop lower in volume, hands grasping at the edge of his seat. "she… she didn't treat me like a nuisance or a mistake. she offered her hand so we could work together." he was fighting back tears, breathing deeply in order to calm himself down. he didn't hear the gentle scribbles of their therapist writing on her clipboard or feel the stare of suzaku on his face.

lelouch was sitting there, being swallowed up by a darkness in his heart. his pain and his equal suffering. "i had to kill her because i accidentally drove her mad. i won't say how. i tried to get her to stop, i chased after her." it suddenly became hard to breath, trying to pace the inhales and exhales through his nose. 

he didn't feel or notice that suzaku carefully took one of his shaking hands.

"and…" lelouch's voice broke as he remembers apologizing to her before he shot her. he didn't know how to stop the geass and jeremiah wasn't known to be the geass canceller by then. " _ i had to end it _ . i shot her. she was trying to kill all the japanese because of  **me** ." there it was, the pain that waved in his heart as furious tears drip down his cheek. the same tears when his deadbeat parents refused the reality of his and nunnally's suffering. 

suzaku's body tensed as he stares at lelouch's slender hand in his own, processing what was said. yes,  **julius** told him but lelouch was speaking. lelouch was crying.

did demons ever truly cry?

"i didn't want anyone's pity." he said in a tone filled with venom, "i decided to take the blame for each death i did and did not cause. i chose to be that greater evil to take down evil --  _ let go of my hand _ !" lelouch snapped at suzaku as he yanked his hand back, frowning when suzaku seemed to be shedding his own tears.

lelouch didn't want to know who he was crying for. he just wanted to get that off his chest after  **so long** since his death and resurrection. he used the sleeve of his coat to wipe away his tears, avoiding their looks since he hates appearing weak. he didn't speak about this just to let himself feel vulnerable. he did it because it was a truth he hid all along! the truth that he knew would cause an issue down the line and he didn't ever want suzaku to forgive him. 

in his mind, suzaku deserves to hate him over and over again until he died. sure, lelouch (  _ and julius _ ) love suzaku but this was far better than to selfishly cling to a simple desire.  _ why _ ? because eventually like c.c. he could finally, one day stop caring about suzaku and the love he has for him. being immortal was unkind but had the several perks along with it.

"i see… i'm glad you chose to trust me enough to tell me about this. why is there a reason to hide the truth when it's easier to speak than make up a feeble lie?" aoi gently questions lelouch as she takes notice that suzaku was still staring blankly at lelouch. ah, that's right. suzaku had been the former knight of the forgotten princess massacre. perhaps he truly loved her.

lelouch shrugs helplessly when he finally manages to rid the tears so all that remained were his puffy red eyes. "i had no one but my little sister. i lost my best friend to my younger sister, and i had no one else." he leans his head back as he stared at the chandeliers that hung elegantly from above them.

"i am a mistake, an abomination, ungrateful and a nuisance of an existence. i wanted my best friend to hate me because all i knew was to lie. i lied about my existence since japan was taken over. i lied when we were hiding." his eyes cloud as he was lost in thought. "i understood i was so pathetic, and i only was causing chaos."

(  _ "was i only causing chaos?" _ )

" **then i thought** : suzaku better fucking love her because euphemia was an angel that didn't belong in such an awful world." even if he grew bitter and jealous, he wouldn't able to act on it. that's why he never really wanted euphemia to die since she brought suzaku a reason to live. he hated that he couldn't do it. he hated that all he could do was dive his hands deeper into the sea of blood to bring out a beautiful world.

(  _ "for how long will it change your life?" _ )

then lelouch remained silent after that, shaky arms folded across his chest as he continued to stare upwards. suzaku was shaking and his eyes were staring at his trembling hands. aoi took a moment to process this and she let out a soft  _ ah _ . "so you have a guilt complex, and you take all the world's hatred even if it's something you didn't do." she scribbles this down and lelouch simply has a wry smile. 

suzaku wants to scream at lelouch for being such a martyr but he bit onto his left hand to stop the urge. it didn't even hurt when suzaku made his skin bleed, didn't hurt when the demons rushed back into his brain.  _ for how long will it change your life, indeed? _ now he understood. what drastic turn would his life make if lelouch told him that damned truth?

"and you, suzaku? what do you want to say?" aoi directs her attention on the shaking brunet, who glanced up at her with unfocused eyes. what did he want to say? it's more like what did he  _ want to scream about _ ? suzaku hates that lelouch won't look at him, he hates that nunnally wants them here and he hates that his heart is weeping. the truth hurts and he wants to punch lelouch in the fucking face. he also wants to shoot lelouch in the fucking face. 

it took him a few moments until he managed to steady his breathing, making fists. might as well get off his chest the recent feelings.

"i fucking  _ hate _ lelouch."  _ well, ouch _ . lelouch didn't bother to respond or move as suzaku said those words. "i thought we'd be great friends even if we were separated for so long. i thought he was still the same kid when he arrived at the shrine -- hah, that was my  **first mistake** ." suzaku bitterly laughs as he rolled his shoulders back. 

aoi listens patiently as she waits for suzaku to continue. 

"then all of this happened. the rebellion, the damned deaths. i wanted to kill zero for having methods that were less than savory. yeah, i get  _ mine _ were just as bad but i was tired of listening to excuses from a damned coward who used people. a damned coward who couldn't even be in the front lines." 

and it seemed he didn't want more to say to that, since these were the feelings that turmoiled painfully. 

"well, if that's all you want to speak of… are you both alright?" aoi gently speaks as lelouch and suzaku remained quiet. seems she wont get much out of them anymore and that was alright.

she then decided to take her leave and come with results next week, nodding to them before she left.

"lelouch." 

"suzaku."

_ silence _ . 

lelouch doesn't look at suzaku as he finally moves his head, wincing at the strain. since there was nothing else to be done he stands from his chair, heading out to leave. he didn't glance back at suzaku when he does leave and suzaku just listens to the door open and close.

he just buries his face in his hands with a groan.

_ fuck _ . they couldn't turn back now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be absolutely careful on what you wish for when the geass is involved.

_ How does it feel when you treat me like you do? And you've laid your hands upon me and told me who you are? _

\---------

suzaku and lelouch didn't speak to each other after their first therapy session. it was a strange sight and occurrence, and nunnally didn't know if this was an improvement or failure. the next few days she had instructed the two of them to be zero -- uncaring if they would be two. nunnally had expected either one of them to protest but she was only met with an tense silence. 

nunnally didn't want to doubt her choices with the two of them, so it was a gamble she was risking. a risk she's very willing to take if she had to be honest. 

so she has them stand before her desk, both wearing the suit of zero -- lelouch's suit being more modified with several jewels and clawed gloves. nunnally doesn't question his choice of fashion since she knew he'd pull it off either way. all she does is give them a gentle smile once her door was locked and secure.

"i'm pleased to see you're both here." their empress speaks and she notices that both pairs of eyes were trained on her. suzaku seemed even more dead inside than she had remembered whilst lelouch's expression was unreadable. their postures were rigid and at attention, so she wondered if therapy had went poorly. but that's expected since they were so stubborn. 

nunnally picks up a stack of papers, "the chinese federation happens to be challenging me since they view me weak in political ties. this view is from xingke himself since he believes i plan to be the next demon emperor." it makes her sick to her stomach. how dare xingke judge her just because of who her brother happened to be? as the empress she needs to set a firm establishment to show she wasn't as weak. 

this was all due to cornelia's hard headedness and refusal of change, unable to let go of the past.  _ this is why i hate my other family members _ she couldn't help but think bitterly.

"so he wishes to start a war, your majesty?" suzaku finally speaks up, and she dips her head in confirmation. 

"i've noticed it's not only xingke but kaguya as well. they're both testing waters to see how much they can push me. i plan to have this settled before your next therapy session." nunnally confirms as she gives them both a pointed stare. lelouch says nothing as suzaku bows. she sighed inwardly.

setting the papers down, nunnally opened the drawer to her left. "this means i'm giving you both permission to pilot your knightmares and i will inform the trade routes that you will. you will be following me as i take a plane to the federation. we have two days to prepare and i hope you two will be ready then." she pulls out a small box, both men looking down at it. 

"in this box, i will be giving you two each a bracelet. it will inform me of your status during your mission to meet xingke. " she explains as she opens it, two silver bracelets inside. one had emeralds and the other one had amethysts. "i requested these from cécile and lloyd, and i have one myself. think of it as us monitoring each other if separated." 

suzaku reached down to take the one with emeralds, placing it on his left wrist. he didn't even react when it started to beep as it began to read his pulse and vitals. following him, lelouch did the same and place it on his right wrist. once again the sound of beeps were made as his pulse and vitals were as well scanned.

nunnally smiles, "now we are in synch when it comes to diplomatic missions. please take this time to prepare and i'll call for you both when the day comes. you are dismissed."

she quietly watched as lelouch was the first to leave after he bowed, he opened the door and closed it when he no longer was seen. when suzaku didn't follow after a few moments, nunnally gave him a curious look. 

"suzaku?" 

"looks like the idiot kururugi made an awful choice recently." c.c.'s voice was full of mirth as she steps from the shadows, and nunnally blinks. 

"oh, c.c.! have you rested well?" nunnally greets as she had forgotten she allowed the witch to sleep in her office. c.c. only hums in affirmation as she saunters towards suzaku, bemused when he took a step back. the empress only watched as suzaku looked away as his jaw tightens, and her eyes widened as c.c. grabs his wrist. 

"come with me, idiot child. and thank you for your hospitality, empress nunnally." c.c. gave nunnally a gentle smile before she dragged a protesting suzaku out the room with her. nunnally doesn't respond but just looked at her trembling hands as she heard the door click as it closes.

\---------

"you're mad." julius fell in step with lelouch as he heads towards his room, taking note how stiffly he walked. julius was there to witness the confession in therapy the few days back and he wished he could have said a few choice words. there was no chance since lelouch was overwhelmed during the whole session and he had to witness lelouch break in their room afterwards.

when lelouch doesn't answer he grasps the cape in his hand, the silence the only thing shared between them. if julius had to be completely honest (  _ he always was of course _ ) he wanted to kick both of their asses. 

he knew that hurt when suzaku confessed to hating lelouch which also meant hating him as well. a plethora of feelings always made julius unstable and he would be lying if he said he didn't cause a tantrum in their head. yelling, shouting and laughing in hysterics just caused lelouch a headache which in turn made him sleep the entire day.

their room wasn't impressive because lelouch didn't bother to request it. julius could only watch as he closes the bedroom door behind them and pull off his boots, before grabbing a hanger to put away the cape. the mask was placed on the writing desk with ease.

"lelouch." julius sighed as he follows his other half to the bed, wrapping arms around his head. he knew even if lelouch truly couldn't feel his touch his presence was all that mattered. 

(  _ i exist as long as you do  _ )

"there's not much i can say. i'm just tired." he ran delicate fingertips where his code was, wondering where c.c. had been. not like lelouch deeply cared for c.c. that he'd so much as lose sleep over it but lelouch couldn't help but wonder what she was up to. they weren't bound by a contract so they didn't have to always be together but he misses her snarky comments and less than helpful advice. 

lelouch began to unbutton his top, his mind numb. his mind never wandered to suzaku as he thinks about xingke and kaguya, the two were always pushing their boundaries. he bit his bottom lip as he finally undressed, hanging up his top and folding his pants. julius sat on the edge of the bed, "if we have to fight on our way to the chinese federation, i'll be ready. no shade but you suck at combat." julius snickers and lelouch scowls.

the bracelet was placed on the desk next to his mask, finding no need to wear it. "leave it to my little sister to be so thoughtful. she's obviously worried." he pulled out the chair, grabbing some blank papers and a quill with a bottle of ink. perhaps he'll write some letters that will need to be read if he ever vanished along the way. surely, nunnally must know that lelouch wasn't one to stay or having the promise to stay.

"you're doing this because of suzaku, hm?" julius rests his cheek against lelouch's hair. he didn't need to know the answer as lelouch began to write in beautiful script of the words he wished to say. 

words that would never leave his mouth as they were forever locked in his heart. maybe in another world things could have gone better and a world where he was loved and he loved back. no one would have died and their suffering wasn't as catastrophic as it had been since charles took the throne. 

call lelouch a dreamer, a hopeless romantic but he too had been an innocent child once. a child that played with nunnally as they made flower crowns in their mothers beautiful garden and the child that once knew kindness. once knew love.

all he knew now was a deep coldness, emptiness and a void that remained endless in his chest. as far as lelouch was concerned the only person that can hate him extremely was himself.

"happiness is like a butterfly, lelouch." fingers trace the code on their collarbone, eyes hazy and unfocused. lelouch just makes a  _ hm _ in response. "there isn't anything that makes us happy but we do desire." hands trail down their chest, feeling the scars of a past top surgery. lelouch only grunts this time as he was too concentrated on the first letter.

"are you going to let eternity be so lonely… just get suzaku to have the code."

lelouch stops writing, lips pursed together.

\---------

"it's been years, kururugi. why hold on the past when it did nothing but ruin you." c.c. blandly says as she pushed suzaku against the wall, picking up a box of pizza waiting for her on the table. hoping for some sense of normalcy from suzaku was asking a little too much considering he was always so locked in the past. lelouch had an obsession for the future and when he assured it, he forced himself to be cast out. c.c. knew it wouldn't be long until lelouch were to disappear again even if nunnally seemed very sure that'd he would stay.

suzaku gives her a hard stare as he caught his footing, "what do you want with me, c.c.? i don't recall wanting to converse with you." his voice was hollow even if his eyes were clouded with dark emotions. 

"i don't need your permission to talk to you. i can tell your intelligence has withered considerably over the years." she dismissively says as she picks up a slice of pizza. "in fact, i wonder how long are you going to hold on to that hatred of yours? is it the only reason why you bother to have some sense of purpose?" 

"i'm only alive because of the  **cursed geass** that you gave to lelouch. i'd be long dead and damned happy." suzaku spat and c.c. merely raised a brow. he was still so quick to blame others that all rationale reason was lost. c.c. only hummed as she leans back with a small smirk.

_ suzaku hated that _ .

"so, are you saying if lelouch was the one to die but euphemia lived on, would you have been happier?" her amber eyes blink innocently as suzaku's face paled. c.c. was making him choose a freaking scenario? "this is all hypothetical, of course. it'll never happen." c.c. shrugs, though she was secretly enjoying his reaction.

the ex knight never really thought about it. if in another world things were the same and lelouch would have done this all over again, he'd truly have to have a world where lelouch was dead. so no one can die without ever knowing why and he wouldn't be so empty. euphemia would still be here and his love for her would blossom significantly.

"yes, if that's the scenario, then yes. that's my hypothetical answer to your damn hypothetical question." then why did his stomach drop? c.c.'s eyes burn like molten gold that it took all of his willpower to not flinch or look away. suzaku wouldn't give her that satisfaction.

"nice to know you'll never really do that." she finally speaks, watching as lelouch walks past them with some files under his left arm. c.c. knew lelouch had caught their little exchange but his poker face with his cold eyes didn't hint that he cared. it was suzaku who stood rigid when watching the former emperor leave the area without hurrying or slowing down. 

suzaku leans against the wall as feels slightly dizzy that he's not sure if what churned in his chest was guilt. no, no. he couldn't feel guilty over wanting a demon dead in a world where war didn't go that far. the lelouch he once knew was gone and he didn't want his hands to taint the world even further. 

(  _ it's almost like he's purposely blotching out lelouch's face from his memories as the sunflowers no longer bloom. he's filled with loneliness and hurt, and all he has was her to make him live. _ )

c.c. sighs as she stood, taking the empty box to throw away. "who knows, maybe that wish will come true." and he shoots her a glare in which she only shrugged. "things can go either way, kururugi. if you want him truly removed from this world, find a way." she went to follow the direction lelouch took, but had decided to see someone else. she didn't want to bother with either of these stupid boys that she needed to see someone who was more level headed. 

and that would be kallen.

suzaku swallowed thickly as he watched c.c. finally leave his sight, glancing around to make sure no one else would surprise him. he was too much on edge so the last thing he needed was an asshole to make him lash out in irritation. "if i could give away the demon lelouch has become for your life, euphemia… i will in less than a heartbeat. you didn't deserve any of this. maybe if… there was a way to just rid of lelouch...to tamper with time…" he remembers c's world and how it was the unseen space of heaven and humanity.

(  _ are you sure that you think this is the solution? is this truly the way you want to cope? _ )

and it doesn't even scare him when all he did was nod to himself. he was willing to risk even lelouch's life just to bring all those lives back. just to bring euphemia back.

"..." maybe suzaku wasn't far from how genbu and charles were. he was far too gone to think of the consequences.

\---------

xingke simply shook nunnally's hand when the three of them arrived, his expression as serious as they remembered him. he did a little flinch when he sees the two zero's emerge from their cockpits of gawain and lancelot that he stares at the empress. "empress, are you trying to start a war with  _ two _ zeros?" he never believed nunnally was one to bring peace to this broken world since her brother died before her eyes. he finds it highly impossible to give her an ounce of trust. his gut just refused to let him.

the empress simply smiles with her head canted forward, "a war? no. is it so wrong of me to have some extra protection? after all, i have no ways to protect myself completely." she feels relief when the two zero's stood by her sides. she's even more relieved when they wore the bracelets she gifted to them. nunnally could see xingke bite back a retort since he figured it'd be too risky. since she became the empress there had been many political folk who find it hard to create conflict with her in person since she'd only respond kindly.

"i understand. i will take you to the meeting hall so we can discuss matters. the empress of china will also be glad to see you." xingke's voice was strained as he guides them, knowing tianzi was thrilled to see her old friend. the guardian wished she would be much more wary of others -- especially nunnally since her demon of a brother used tianzi as a political hostage. nunnally only smiles at his words despite the edge in his tone.

"i'm looking forward to it."

at least one of them was. 

lelouch and suzaku made sure to keep by her side, and nunnally takes note of the ōdachi strapped aesthetically on her brothers back compared to the blade that killed him on suzaku's hip. she pushes back the sinking feeling and given the results from the therapist so far, nunnally was hoping the worst wouldn't happen. 

"empress nunnally! you made it!" 

"oh! empress tianzi! i'm so glad to see you're well!"

the three men watched as the two young women hugged another in greeting, obviously enthralled. tianzi smiles widely as she grasps her friends hand, "let's go to the garden for a quick drink of tea. the meeting won't start for another hour. xingke? please keep the… zeros? company!" her eyes twinkled in joy as she waves at her guardian. leaving with nunnally to the direction of the courtyard. 

it got pretty awkward  _ really _ fast.

when the two left their sight, xingke placed a hand on the hilt of his katana and glared at them both. "alright. what scheme are you trying to pull here? i tolerated  _ one _ zero, but  **_two_ ** ?" xingke hissed, and the two masked individuals did not react.

"do you dare raise your blade to the symbol of justice?" suzaku curtly inquired, thanks to his voice changer he sounded simply annoyed.

"any one of us can be zero. without zero, none of us would be here li xingke." lelouch simply says, not even caring to add some of his flourish. it'd be a fools deal to do that and he knew his two companions would be less than pleased. 

the two masked men watch as xingke observed them both, trying to understand their damn game. his gut still told him not to trust the words that came out of their mouth but he decided it'd be better not to act. not when nunnally was with his empress and certainly not when tianzi was far from him.

"pardon my rudeness, zero." xingke says after a few moments of reconsideration as he removes his hand from his blade, "allow me to escort you to your room."  _ i'll be watching you three - don't think i won't _ .

lelouch exhales when he enters the guest room, somewhat surprised that xingke had them share one.  _ "your room will be connected to empress nunnally's. i doubt you'll return to night since it takes quite some time to go here and return." _ not that xingke was wrong. he just didn't expect to share the same room with suzaku, who seemed to be willing to have him dead just for the sake of the lives he took to return.

_ hypothetically _ . ah, right. leave it to julius to remind him of those dastardly hypotheticals that it didn't even quell the heaviness in his stomach. 

he distracts himself by removing his mask, allowing his messy hair to fall and to allow himself to take a deep breath. even if he couldn't see suzaku he knew that he was doing the same. it never made him realize that wearing the mask of zero felt so alien to him after all these years. he can fit the role so well but he didn't have the heart.

…  _ hah _ , demons didn't have hearts in the first place. suzaku would surely tell him that as well. 

"suzaku." he finally says his name after so many days of silence. lelouch felt a twinge of annoyance when a  _ hn? _ was his only response. well, if suzaku  **_hypothetically_ ** wanted to have him dead to bring back euphemia and the others then he might as well be selfish just this once. 

he moves towards suzaku so they stood facing another, noting how suzaku was giving him a  **certain** look that made julius shiver in desire. the look of how he hates lelouch still after everything despite shedding tears after killing him. like lelouch, suzaku was also complex and both were chained by the shackles of their trauma since childhood. 

lelouch briefly wonders if suzaku will find the letter he wrote to him days before this mission; and he briefly wonders if suzaku will rip it to shreds and burn it to ashes. demons don't deserve any ounce of love nor forgiveness and he long since accepted this.

" _ what _ is it, lelouch." suzaku didn't even pose it as a question but as if lelouch were simply a nuisance. lelouch felt the hurt in his chest but chose to not visibly react to it. _ i'm sorry, suzaku. maybe i'll grant you your wish to have my life be exchanged for your desire _ .

it wasn't soft when he presses his mouth against suzaku's, and he could feel how worn they were and dry. he also noticed how warm his lips were and could feel every detail merge against his own mouth. lelouch could somewhat feel his own heart flutter and his mind scream for him to stop before he'd pay for it.

_ \--- i already paid for my existence and for suzaku, i'm willing to pay more just for his happiness. _

suzaku  _ never _ did return the kiss, but just stood there and  **waited** for lelouch to move away.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suzaku just doesn't make good decisions when it seems everyone else hates him for it. and a pair of lesbians finally have some spotlight in the plot.

_ you put me through hell for me to know. _

\---------

it's been 20 years since he remembers. 

_ actually _ , no he  **doesn't remember** . he doesn't remember much even as his brain pounded painfully, rolling over to the right with a groan. his vision blurs as he attempts to open his eyes so he grabs his pillow to cover them. he doesn't remember how many years it's been since then.

it's been so long since he dreamed of the man with blazing amethyst eyes and an aura that would suffocate. it's been so long that he remembered what happened after that kiss that he gave him.

_ "you want a wish, suzaku." he says almost wistfully as he strokes the stern man's cheek. suzaku doesn't move as lelouch doesn't pull away and as lelouch contemplates. "if i grant you your wish, will you be  _ **_happy_ ** _?" lelouch looks at him as he sucks in a breath. suzaku says nothing but lelouch knew the truth. hypothetical's or not he knew suzaku had only rage for him.  _

_ even in his silence does he continue. "i'll give you the wish you want, as long as you contract with me. and if you have any regrets -- you will become immortal then and there. do you understand?" his voice was low and smile sad. suzaku looks as if he'll consider it and lelouch knows he will.  _

_ "contract with me, suzaku. and i'll vanish so you can regain all that you've lost." for your happiness and the woman you so obviously love, more than nunnally. more than i. _

_ all he heard was 'i solemnly accept' and that's when lelouch hears julius silently scream. _

_ i don't want to die! _

and even by all odds did his wish come true. lelouch was gone from this world and the geass burned in his right eye as a constant reminder. suzaku inhales as he finally sits up on his bed as he glanced around to see that nothing had been out of order. nothing much changed … well besides euphemia had returned, so did rolo and anyone else who had fallen to lelouch's revenge. 

it seriously was taking some time to get used to especially when euphemia herself was so puzzled to  **why** she was alive. when she figured out it had been suzaku's desire and wish, she had became very angry. she had filled with despair and sadness. euphemia even refused to talk to him because of his contract with lelouch.

suzaku only felt numb after that.

it shouldn't have taken lelouch's death just to bring back those who ended up dead. even charles and marrianne had returned but suzaku had made sure to detain them into their very own prison cell, taking no chance in letting them attempt the sword of akasha. he could feel their hatred as if it never left that time in c's world as they had been rejected by their own son. he was glad that nunnally ensured they couldn't ever be free due to her deep hatred for them.

so now, all suzaku could do was remain as life managed to get back on it's feet. he had stopped wearing his zero attire since then as no one bothered to truly stop nunnally's reign. perhaps it was the return of the dead that changed their hearts but he had to ignore the strange stares on him. they didn't remember him too fondly even after his 'death' but he paid no mind.

everyone around him seemed to be happy that he chose to ignore the select few that were depressed.  _ how could you  _ their expressions scream at him when he encounters them. suzaku knew he was right. didn't lelouch once say that he became the greater evil to defeat evil?

yes, suzaku did consider himself that evil that went against lelouch's greater. he ignored the feeling of agony when he accepted that contract and never once chose to reject his choice. he couldn't because then that'd mean he was wrong all along and he couldn't accept that. he couldn't accept lelouch.

"suzaku." euphemia's voice was quiet as she approaches him, wearing her ruffled dress and her hair in pigtails. her voice was calm, her expression serious and her posture forced. it seemed after some months she chose to finally speak to him -- she even decided to seek his whereabouts. mechanically does suzaku turn and he bows his head, something that's been conditioned ever since he became her knight. once she held great affection for him but now there was only displeasure.

euphemia simply ignores his knightly conduct because it's no longer what she cares for, no longer what was important. even as they stand in the grand halls of empress nunnally's 20th birthday there wasn't a hint of kindness. not even gentleness nor tenderness that euphemia was known for. she has chosen to give that to specific others but suzaku had to have something else: a piece of her mind. 

"come with me, suzaku. outside to the gardens." she orders and suzaku knew that tone. she never took 'no' for an answer in which he obeys until she's pacified. it's due to his love for her that he'll rationalize to himself as they walk together in silence. he had expected euphemia to be thrilled to return to life after having it end before her time, where that cursed geass couldn't have touched her.

but suzaku was wrong, as always. 

after they sit at the garden table, euphemia stares at him and he simply stares at the treats presented along with the tea. he grasps at the edge of the table as he steeled his mind so he can handle the anger she could toss at him. it'll take some time considering euphemia's gentle and naive nature, she was never one to be so vile.

" _ i forgive you _ ." euphemia finally speaks and suzaku can feel his breath stop. she forgave him? what was there to forgive when he did everyone a favor by ridding someone so awful? "i forgive you," euphemia repeats that his heart grows heavy, "because what you did was awful, suzaku kururugi." there was no way it was awful. if he didn't feel regret that meant he was right. he was right even when the world was wrong.

the pink princess clenched her fists on her lap with a most concentrated expression. she had months to think about what to say to the man she --  _ no _ ,  **_the boy_ ** she formerly loved. suzaku deserved to hear her thoughts and if he chose to ignore them? euphemia would know she failed to truly know who he was.

( and there's just this bit where she doesn't know who suzaku is because she isn't lelouch. and she can't hate that because she can't replace what lelouch gave to suzaku before they met. she also can't hate because lelouch never did anything to split them apart. )

"you shouldn't have done this. i don't care for your personal reasons. you never learned to forgive anyone. not yourself nor lelouch." she raised a hand when she noticed suzaku opened his mouth to cut her off. "i'm not finished, suzaku.  _ don't _ make me be like cornelia." her voice took a threatening tone, watching his mouth shut tight and his gaze elsewhere.

euphemia lowers her hand and inhales, "i'm  _ not happy _ to be back at the  **_expense_ ** of lelouch. i'm disappointed in you that you couldn't stop lying to yourself and you had to  **use me** as your reason to do awful things." she lets her words sink in as she picks up her cup with a small scowl on her lips. she knows suzaku possibly wouldn't listen to her but she knew it was off her chest. for some reason the tea was a lot colder than she would've liked.

\---------

c.c. for once felt hatred for the man that not only once ended lelouch's life but for a second time. the first time the immortal knew it was because of lelouch's plan for a better world but the second time? how fucking dare that child make a contract with lelouch and as well obtain the damned geass? uncalled for, unwarranted and terribly beyond anything of reason! she could feel it when v.v.'s presence rippled back fully in the tainted sea that she had to scratch her nails against the paint plastered walls of kallen's bedroom. they were a bloody mess right now but the pain was a farcry from the pain in her heart.

kallen was angry too but she kept it under silence. the guren pilot would come in and stop her self destructive habit as usual, cleaning up c.c.'s fingers with an aura of negativity. both women were pissed off at suzaku for his greatest wish. kallen knew the anger was placed for the fact she had the nerve to trust the japanese after so many awful things he had done. c.c. just wanted to throttle suzaku for just gaining the geass when he hated it in the first place.

"c.c." kallen mumbles, attracting her attention. "what do we do? this isn't right. everyone knows it isnt." after bandaging those fingers for possibly the upteenth time she leans against her girlfriend with a tired expression. c.c. snuggles cheese-kun between them as her head rests on kallen's red hair and she sighs. 

"i don't know. i could go to c's world to reverse it but i can't. it's suzaku's will not mine." her voice was bitter and kallen takes her better hand just to simply squeeze it. kallen understood because suzaku only brought back those that 'mattered' without the long term consequences. he didn't seem bothered by his decision nor deterred by everyone else who were open on their dislike. 

suzaku still didn't care.

they both shed tears when it first happened, both holding onto each other as the universe seemed to ripple and crack. kallen and c.c. could hear the wails of the dead returning from the c's world and it chilled them to their bones. 

"kallen-san," rolo peeks in and the women just glanced at him rather calmly, "someone's waiting for you at the door." he then hesitates. "its prince -- er, clovis." rolo was unsure to still call the first kill of lelouch as royalty. kallen and c.c. exchange looks to another, kallen moving up from the bed as rolo left. they didn't know what clovis would have wanted and kallen decided to be on guard. thankfully, empress nunnally made sure that her revived siblings no longer had status to uphold over others. 

when kallen opens the door and she can feel rolo tense behind her as clovis was indeed behind the door and he looked worse for wear. "er… clovis? what can i do for you?" her voice was tense as she could hear rolo pull out his switchblade from his pocket. she doesn't blame him considering how the imperial family treated him until he met lelouch. 

"please, if you don't mind. i just, wish to talk." clovis nervously ran his hand through his long blond locks, "please. i just…" kallen regards him quietly and she sighs, moving to let him inside. kallen guides clovis to the lounge room with rolo trailing after them, and he was so nervous that she can see he was sweating bullets. for some reason kallen can feel some sort of satisfaction due to her personal feelings but she chose to push it back just to be civil.

once they seat themselves in front of the fireplace, kallen can see c.c. standing near the fire with her beloved plush as rolo stood still at the entryway. kallen found it so odd that she found these small things as  _ normal _ but she supposed compared to years ago…

"i'm here because i have something to tell you." clovis gulps as he smooths his coat while adjusting his collar. "i have no idea why i'm alive again but my sister nunnally caught me up to speed." he continues rather nervously and it takes all of kallen's willpower to restrain her temper. she was slightly sympathetic since he came here all alone without protection, so kallen still waits. 

clovis cleared his throat, "anyway i heard lelouch is dead and i learned why he did it. i learned why he killed me first and i'm glad there wasn't any ill will -- just being a child of charles was enough." he fidgets with the hem of his coat as he was just trying to understand. it was still so much to take in, still so much to understand. "i don't know why but i feel like something awful is going to happen."

c.c. eyes him with calculating ambers that kallen's glad that he doesn't notice. she also sees that rolo was gripping tightly onto his switchblade and the phone with the locket that lelouch gave to him. if clovis knew something then it'd give them some insight of what could happen in this false world. 

clovis shook his head and glanced nervously at the dancing shadows on the walls, the flames of the fire attempting to mock him.

"firstly, i'm sorry about what i did and i can't forgive myself for causing the japanese so much pain."

kallen bites back a retort but says nothing. this wasn't the time to be petty. she likes to think she grew from that stage of her life. so kallen waits for clovis to get to the point and she can tell he's trying to stall, her eyes glaring at him to  _ hurry it up _ . she can see him gulp ever so visibly, kallen does all she can to resist punching him out cold. 

(  _ get on with it, get on with it, get on with it _ ) 

"my uncle, i know he's my uncle, went to free charles and marrianne. he was really short and had long hair and a really smug attitude. he even looked like a child." clovis looks up and c.c. walks over with an expression described as annoyance. she hated dealing with anything related to the disgusting trio and now suzaku had to be an idiot and bring them back.

c.c. stares down at clovis as she reached him, "where are they now?" her voice was cold that kallen seemed to be somewhat alarmed. always leave it to c.c. to know secrets and leave it to c.c. to know when to act. in fact, kallen finds it kind of hot. 

clovis nods weakly, "they said they were going to some place to find a sword." c.c. feels her blood run cold and her hands shake. rolo shifts from his spot but he knew as well this meant bad business. he didn't quite understand the situation but he knows the severity. 

did those three truly wish to attempt the ragnarok connection once more since lelouch was out of the picture? yes, it seemed that way. without a word c.c. moves out of the room with cheese-kun dropped onto the couch by kallen, rolo choosing to follow behind. 

kallen stares at clovis with a look of disbelief and suspicion, "why didn't you tell empress nunnally of this?" she somehow knew the answer wouldn't be good but her curious mind tells her to disobey. clovis gave her a very weak and tired smile.

"they took her, and -- no," clovis rectifies as he shook his head.

"when i told her, she decided to follow after them on her own. she forced me to remain behind and no one's going with her."

kallen finally stood with her face pale and mind racing. _ oh gods, nunnally… _ her eyes rest on clovis with a grim expression.

"how long has it been, clovis?"

"nearly 48 hours."

_ god fucking damnit. _


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when life throws a fast one and you try to catch it but fail -- sorry for taking so long with this one.

_ Now I'm far away from you, I'll never bring back yesterday. _

\---------

for once, lelouch vi britannia understood what hell actually felt. he always knew he'd end up there one day after his eventual death but. but hell wasn't a place filled with hell fire and a devil that waged bets on your soul. no, no. in fact lelouch wishes it were  _ just that _ . so hell? was essentially the giant black sphere in c's world where he knew charles and marianne once were. along with rolo and euphemia, and many other dead people. 

the negativity that crushes him was indescribable. could feelings weigh so much more than knightmare frames? lelouch could only bitterly laugh even if no sound leaves his mouth. the fact that suzaku had easily accepted the contract without any hesitation let him know what his former friend thought. and as he watches the world through a flimsy transparent film he could see not all were accepting of this new wish. but those people didn't matter! no, no. the only one who mattered was suzaku kururugi himself and he owed it to him to be selfish. lelouch knew that deep, deep down he took too much from the japanese man to feel awful. 

"feeling regret, my naive pathetic nephew?" lelouch didn't turn when he hears v.v.'s voice from outside of the sphere. hell, lelouch didn't turn when charles and marianne followed behind. he didn't have to see their smug expressions. "you should've made sure that none of this would happen. your so called childhood friend decided to throw you away." the childish immortal giggled behind his hand as he knew lelouch had no way to speak. 

marianne stepped forward with a hum, "my ignorant and ungrateful child. this  **zero requiem** of yours? such a pathetic copy of your father's ragnarok connection! you truly have no originality. how does it feel that the world doesn't want you?" she has no love for her son, especially since he hit her verbally where it stung. if there was one thing lelouch got right was that her so called love for her children easily vaporated when acquiring the geass.

lelouch just stared at the dark expanse of the negative space. he could hear them and their plans to restart anew, planning to use c.c. or suzaku for the connection. but he froze when charles spoke.

"i see that my clever yet insufferable son has some remains of the code. considering his contract with the japanese boy, his contract does not give him the code.  **not just yet** ." 

lelouch just stares blankly at what he thought were to be his hands, feeling the burn of the code tingle on his collarbone. charles wasn't wrong. even if the code wasn't completely gone it was still there. half of it was residing inside suzaku, being dormant until suzaku one day regrets. he knew suzaku would never regret. he was fine with it (  _ he wasn't fine _ ), he was so fine with it. there was fear that he swore he could've just threw up then and there. 

charles nods as they discussed it, watching as lelouch seemed rather deeply disturbed from the idea. he knew his father and mother were truly selfish but  _ this _ ? it had to be some sort of karma. lelouch could never regret the choices of having the world hate him since it brought the end of charles.  _ but now _ ? the c's world was not able to protect him. 

lelouch wished julius were with him because he'd love to have a distraction. just anything to help. there was no point to ask for a miracle if he considers himself one.

and lelouch certainly  _ wasn't _ going to pray to God to help him.

\---------

c.c. watches as rolo and kallen subdue the guards that surrounded the remains of kamine island when they make their way there. once clovis had informed them that nunnally pursued her disgusting family they all followed. and even if he thought nothing of it, c.c. had messaged suzaku about the impress' situation. 

"are you sure he'll come? it's lelouch in the end, after all." kallen had every right to be concerned about informing suzaku. hell, she had to make sure akito and his friends were keeping a close eye on the royal family. rolo also had his doubts about this, his knife's blade slitting through an unfortunate guard's throat. rolo plainly ignores kallen's irritated sigh. did she forget he was created to be an assassin? foolish woman.

rolo watches as the two women continue on through the jungle, c.c. obviously knowing where she was going. kallen looked irritated with something obviously on her mind, and c.c. was aloof as usual. he didn't care for these two women as his own brother always will be top priority. damn, how he hated suzaku and he truly wishes they wouldn't have to see him. rolo couldn't promise restraint… he'd attempt to kill him on the spot.

"here we are. this is the gate." c.c. finally says when they approach the broken ruins of the island. kallen remembers quite well. when the day suzaku unmasked zero was the day kallen began to question her loyalty. she knew that she had been angry that lelouch was using her but she realized they used him too. the so called man of miracles managed to change the world.

c.c. stares plainly at the remains but she blinks when she hears a sobbing noise. the other two pause when they heard it too, kallen instantly investigating as rolo kept guard. 

"nunnally!" kallen's voice exclaims, c.c. and rolo watching as kallen came back with the empress. the young woman seemed to be crying, scuffed up from an obvious confrontation. it seemed that her wheelchair was broken, and kallen found nunnally underneath it. 

"m..mmmmmnn… mom...dad...saw me and mom…? she… she pushed me…" nunnally hiccups, kallen holding her protectively. kallen didn't understand the full scenario but she understood that charles and company were here. 

"we need to return her back to the palace. she'll be an unfortunate hindrance." c.c. simply states, kallen sighing. without a word between them, the red head simply left with nunnally. c.c. and rolo could hear kallen asking the coordinates of her transport as she vanished from their sights.

rolo didn't know what to say or do in their current situation, not caring to what c.c. was doing. c.c. wouldn't go on without kallen so waiting was simply the only option - unfortunately. 

"there's a possibility when lelouch comes back, you will be dead once more." c.c. says, amber eyes watching the young man. she was curious about this boy that lelouch unfortunately felt attachment to. 

rolo's hand twitches as he glances over to the strange woman, "that doesn't matter to me. if i can see my older brother once more… i don't care." there was a pang of sadness but he speaks the truth. he wants to just see lelouch alive before dying again. rolo lifts up his phone where his precious locket stayed, smiling softly. he loves everything that lelouch has done for him, even if he knew lelouch had been lying about his feelings.

kallen returns with a soft sigh as a frown was on her face, "she's returning to her palace… she's going to be in the medical wing because her wheelchair hurt her badly." she reported and c.c. thinks for a moment. 

"perhaps it'd be too dangerous to do anything right now. especially if suzaku won't show up." irritation is in her voice, kallen and rolo shifting uncomfortably. c.c. knew the two didn't care for the kururugi boy just as she. kallen stares at the ruins of the entrance of c's world before shaking her head.

"let's go. we are here anyways. everything would be … pointless." 

rolo tensed when he hears a sound , the ground rumbling beneath them. c.c. straightened up and ushered the other two to go into hiding with her. 

"they're leaving c's world. so this cuts it in half." c.c. murmurs as they watched from atop in a tree, eyes trained on the bright red ruins. 

five minutes exactly for the three to appear, speaking amongst another. marianne was pleased with herself, charles smug and v.v. yawning. 

"so, lelouch's code will be available for us as long as suzaku doesn't interfere. killing him won't be too much of an issue." charles spoke as marianne and v.v. went to go pilot their nightmares. c.c. and company froze at charles' words - rolo tensed to lunge at the three, and kallen about to do the same. c.c. held her arms out in front of them to prevent casualties.

not now. it's too dangerous!

"and our foolish daughter nunnally will remember not to interfere with us. it does seem the pitiful girl managed to escape." marianne snorts as she finds the broken wheelchair by its lonesome. it seems that nunnally had to eventually be taken out of the picture if they needed to try this again. the three in hiding watched as the two brothers and irritating woman leave the island before emerging from their hiding place.

kallen was the first to voice her concerns.

"we… should go back to the palace because it seems she will be their next target." even as much as there was a need to bring back lelouch, nunnally seen too much. pursuing her family and finding this place was enough for nunnally to be a target. kallen watches as rolo made fists as c.c. stared at the ruins in thought. she knew that she was right since lelouch wouldn't ever forgive them if his younger sister was harmed or worse -- killed. 

c.c. nods, "that seems to be an idea. lelouch would've done the same. perhaps we can encounter kururugi to see if he will help us out." she decided with a sigh, making sure to visually sweep the ruins before they went to check up on nunnally.

this wasn't going as well as she hoped it to be.

\---------

suzaku struggled to decide if he wanted to help those three, his hands shaking. 

nunnally had left earlier to go on business but he didn't press her on the issue, yet there was a feeling gnawing in his gut. it had gotten dark since then when she finally returned, having seen her eyes red and puffy. suzaku didn't question what happened and nunnally hadn't bothered to speak to him. hell, she hadn't since lelouch once again died to bring back those he killed.

"was it worth it?" a hum as slender fingers trace against his cheek, suzaku's body shaking. it was julius again, haunting him ever since lelouch returned to c's world. he tries to reason that he's hallucinating even if julius right now, was squeezing at his throat. suzaku could feel the pressure but it felt like a cold chill freezing his aching bones.

for a strange moment, suzaku thinks julius is beautiful above him with such a cruel smile and hateful eyes. he doesn't understand how this was happening but he doesn't want to face it. 

"you took  _ me away _ from lelouch. i need him so i can be alive." julius hisses as he digs thumbs into suzaku's pulse. suzaku can't feel it but he knows it feels like an irritated pinched nerve. he's slightly disturbed to know he could feel julius' heated breath on his face. a kiss was placed on his dry lips. 

suzaku felt like he just wanted to die at this very moment.

was this really a hallucination or an actual ghost?

julius wasn't supposed to be in this position on him, as it was supposed to be euphemia. she was the one his heart ached for while …. no, lelouch and julius were demons. monsters. suzaku wasn't supposed feel for them in the slightest. 

julius stares at him briefly before a sweet smile forms on his lips, "well. i guess that's that, suzaku." julius removes his hands from suzaku's neck, taking note that there was fear in those green eyes. why be afraid, suzaku? 

now that julius thinks about it. like, really thought about it. lelouch did let go of suzaku as he demanded him to. "i'm just so very angry that i can't see lelouch anywhere. i suppose that's my issue." a small hum, violet eyes staring down at suzaku.

there was fear in those eyes still, and julius takes pleasure in it. it was some sick satisfaction that causes julius to feel something close to euphoria. suzaku possibly was holding onto whatever scraps of lelouch but julius certainly wasn't going to let him off easy. 

"you won't remember his voice or face, and you can cling to your desire as much as you wish." julius drags his sharp nails against the man's cheek with a smirk. he somehow could hear the racing heart pound wildly at his words and the stiffness of broad shoulders.

he thinks this is the only mercy as suzaku lingers in his own hell. denial can only do so much until there wasn't anything left to deny! so, julius chose to be merciful. he chose to be kind.

he whispers in suzaku's ear, low and husky but filled with promise: 

_ you'll never dream of him again or remember him so as your heart weeps and breaks, is when you'll truly regret. _


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and now, to finish this chapter in honor of kill lelouch day. inspired by 'life is beautiful' by sixx a.m. sorry for the delay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suzaku centric. you're not made of stone, silly man.

_ You can't quit until you try, you can't live until you die. You can't learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie. _

\---------

suzaku had an extremely hard time sleeping since he was sure hallucinating julius caused his brain to scramble. there were dark rings underneath his eyes each time he stares at himself in the mirror. suzaku finds this normal ever since he had killed lelouch twice now. for an instant he sees a stranger reflected back. tired and broken, like a doll without new batteries.

with a sharp inhale, he moves away from the vanity set and he tumbles back onto his bed. it had been a few days since nunnally's return, and she begrudgingly tells him the events of what happened. charles and marianne were trying to see if God would grant their wish, but nunnally had informed him that was all she heard. 

_ then… _

he stopped dreaming. it scared him at first because he often been plagued by nightmares, but this wasn't expected. there's a lingering ache in his chest and his hands were shaking. suzaku doesn't even notice that arthur climbed onto his lap, curling up and purring. he whimpers, laying on his back and inhaling deeply. suzaku isn't sure on what to do considering nunnally insisted that she didn't need him for awhile.

but suzaku knew better. nunnally still hated him for killing lelouch a second time and she didn't want to see him for awhile. he doesn't blame her but he felt like he had been tossed away. 

_ julius was right. _ he didn't dream of the dead again, nor of when he would watch the collapsing body vieled in white. nor the trail of blood that would lead to a destination he refuses to accept. with a shaking hand, suzaku pets arthur as his body trembles from the desire to escape these feelings. the pain couldn't be contained that suzaku wanted it all to be released.

suzaku felt the burning sensation in his eyes and head, a soft whine escaping. euphemia no longer was a comfort or someone he desired, she made it clear that she was foolishly in her puppy crush. she made it clear that she wasn't happy with what he did. euphemia was one of the few that cared deeply for lelouch and she was so devastated. 

he needs to do something, anything.

he strips out of the zero suit he always was cursed to wear, noticing how many scars he's gained over his growing youth. how long has it been since he's worn anything so casual? suzaku tosses on a hoodie and jeans, and it feels so strange. suzaku feels naked without the heavy burden of the suit but now. now he needs to break free from something. suzaku could feel himself explode if he continued to wear it, and the damned geass order would cause his brain to melt completely. 

suzaku doesn't recall how he got there but he stood in front of the abandoned shrine. his hands twitch at his sides, staring blankly at what once was the symbol of his childhood. his heart aches with memories of a past that he once treasured. with a shaky breath, suzaku steps towards the offering box to see the old cobwebs that made their home in the slots. 

an extreme regret was placed here, one that went beyond his control. kanon and schneizel found out where he was headed, using this as their advantage to attempt capture of lelouch. but suzaku knew his regrets were long untouched. eventually he had to face the reality of his own actions. 

"i figured you were here." suzaku's ears perked up when schneizel's voice disrupted his thoughts. he turns around instantly on reflex but the geass doesn't blaze to forwarn him of danger. he sees schneizel and kanon by the entrance of the steps, body tensing. suzaku always knew they'd figure out his identity underneath zero's mask but it still didn't help the reflexes from kicking in.

suzaku regards them quietly before gritting his teeth, "...  _ schneizel _ . kanon. does empress nunnally know you're here?" his voice was calm despite the nervousness beating in his blood. the former blond prince raises a hand as if to attempt to reassure his presence wasn't hostile and kanon just seemed tired. suzaku came to a conclusion that nunnally  **_did not_ ** know. 

"i can tell that you're regretting your choice." schneizel says as he and kanon walks over, suzaku watching them intensely. he couldn't help it as his body was trained for it. it also was weird to see schneizel in casual clothing, those glasses seemed out of place on his face. suzaku even noticed that the red outline of the geass was visible and kanon looked uncomfortable.

suzaku remained quiet as he stares, wondering what their purpose of being here was for. 

"you miss my too clever of a little brother. it's easy to tell." schneizel quietly says as he gazes at the old shrine behind suzaku. kanon gave suzaku a small nod as if he understood. "i always could tell you had a fondness for lelouch. even if you hated him for what he did and had done, your heart knows what it wants." a small smile forms on his lips, as if he found it as a fond thought. suzaku wanted to punch him because he remembers schneizel and kanon twisting that conversation. it still burned him deeply.

suzaku glares at the ground because he doesn't want to talk to schneizel because -- suzaku just didn't want to. he wanted to be alone in his thoughts so he could figure himself out. as usual he knew he'd be given no peace when accepting the mask of zero so, he was foolish to think he could gain it. but because of his wish, he wasn't as dead as many wished him to be and he couldn't care to think about the consequences of being seen.

schneizel has to press him about such a sore topic that he'd thought to get over. he wasn't stupid when it came to his younger brother and the former knight of zero, so he gazes at the shrine with a thoughtful expression.

"you know, suzaku _. life is beautiful _ , truly." schneizel speaks as he walks to the shrine, making sure to keep a distance from suzaku. kanon follows him loyally, but making sure that he kept close just in case suzaku were to become hostile. kanon did blink at the words that his liege had spoken. schneizel did come here for a reason, since he recalls their conversation a few days ago.

_ "this isn't what life is meant to be, kanon. my younger brother was foolish but he stood by his convictions to the very end." _

_ "your highness? he killed many britannians and others in his way." _

_ kanon watched as schneizel glances up from the paperwork on his desk, a small thoughtful smile forming. kanon doesn't understand the fondness behind it, watching patiently for an answer or explanation. _

_ "that's right but so did we. lelouch wanted to destroy what our father set up even if it was personal. he raised his arms and welcomed the hatred ever so openly. lelouch may have known that his birth was nothing as grand as he wished it be, so he formed himself a purpose: a purpose to reform the world while letting us stab all of our hatred into him. he took that from nunnally because lelouch couldn't bare the thought." _

_ kanon stands there but he couldn't help the frown forming on his face. how could schniezel say that when under the power of geass?  _

_ schneizel notices his resentments and he gently waves it off. "it's been many years, kanon and i am getting older." he jokes, which causes kanon to blink in amazement. he wonders if it's because his liege had seen things he could not but he already knew the answers to that. _

"what are you getting at?" suzaku's voice was exhausted and kanon could only give him a brief look of pity. it took three years for he and his liege to find out that he was zero, and to find out that he was just like a mere puppet following nunnally. zombie like and void of life since suzaku had killed lelouch twice, making kanon wonder if suzaku lied to himself to make him so still in a moving world.

schneizel drums fingers on the offering box with a thoughtful hum, "if it took my brother's funeral to make you feel completely dead, what did seeing him alive make you feel?"

"angry."

"and what else?"

"hatred."

"kururugi." schneizel's voice was stern and kanon notices how suzaku became tense at the shift in tone. kanon knew since his liege never once took another tone besides his calm, reassuring one and suzaku only knew of that when being the knight of seven. 

" _ you felt more than th _ at, you are quite the horrible liar."

"that's -- that's not your business."

"oh, but it is my business when you mope around and as well make euphemia and nunnally cry." schneizel says, though he knew he had been ready to sacrifice the empress years back. he had to play his end of the game to stop lelouch since he was in command of britannia's rebelling forces. but it still made him quite sick to think he'd done anything as well for peace. just as the world slowly changed he did as well, and his views were expanding.

when suzaku remained quiet, schneizel steps back from the offering box and looks over to him. "bring him back, suzaku kururugi. if my father succeeds then this peace will be all for naught. i don't want my sister's reign be destroyed by your cowardice to face the truth." and with that he bows slightly before taking his leave. kanon nods towards suzaku, turning and following after.

suzaku remained in silent shock, green eyes unfocused as the noises around him seemed to have gotten much louder. with a shaky breath he wonders if he should try to pull his hatred and rage from his heart, just to hold the fragile glass of longing and happiness. his chest ached for what could have been.

_ "suzaku, i had a bad dream. a nightmare." _

suzaku looks up to see a familiar figure standing in front of the shrine, wearing the same emperor clothing before his death. his stomach plummets and his hands shake when he shakes his head, refusing to hallucinate. he couldn't. he refused! all his anger and rage were all he had left, he didn't want to lose whatever else he possibly had. 

_ "in a few days i'll be offering you a deal again, just like when we defeated my father. i'll ask you to make a contract with me for your greatest wish." _

suzaku quickly shuts his eyes as the burning sensation of tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. 

_ "and i'll do all that i can to have you accept it. i took so much from you so i want you to be happy." _

_ no, no! you did took them from me on purpose! you wouldn't have taken things from me with that geass! _ suzaku silent screams in his mind, covering his eyes as his head throbs so painfully. he sways backwards, stumbling a bit before falling onto his knees. the pain was ignores as hot tears formed, dripping like a dam that finally burst. 

_ "you told me i had to atone for everything i did, and would have done. and i did and still am. even if the world is lonely without me isn't it better to keep it that way?" _

suzaku shook his head as he began to sob and hiccup, feeling the breeze brush past his hair as if lelouch was ruffling it. no, he couldn't miss him. he couldn't regret. if he did then everyone that came back would have returned for nothing. lelouch was a monster that shouldn't be with anyone.

_ "i know some things that you don't and i've done things that you won't." _

suzaku  **flinches** at that statement and he feels like he's suffocating, even as lelouch was just a ghost his mind brought up. but lelouch doesn't stop as if he were uncaring for the pain that his ghost was giving.

_ "will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?" _

**_his heart_ ** feels like it's being ripped into pieces, dropping into the pool of nothingness that was his fragile psyche. he could feel himself start to hyperventilate as he could feel hands on his, fingers curling around his wrist. suzaku wants to scream and shout, to beg the ghost to let him  **_move on_ ** just as the world did. he was dead so why couldn't he remain just as that? why bring fresh wounds to his already scarred heart!?

_ "just open your eyes, suzaku. just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful." _

suzaku curled up into himself as his sobs increases in volume, screaming the **only name** that has carved itself deeply into his heart, mind and soul.

_ just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful. _


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> euphemia is done, suzaku has self awareness, suzaku asks for help and lelouch is scared. 
> 
> don't hate suzaku unless you hate him with lelouch. it's equally fair.

_ You can't breathe until you choke, you gotta laugh when you're the joke.  _

\-------

"suzaku, what are you doing?" euphemia couldn't help but stare as the green eyed man seemed to be in a hurry in the ever quiet halls of nunnally's palace. she was certainly wary of him when he returned sometime after schneizel did and she wonders briefly what exchanged between them. kanon wouldn't give her the answers she desired which made the ex princess just as frustrated. 

inhaling, euphemia chose to follow after suzaku since she was quite curious and this was the most life he had in him. something  _ must have _ happened because suzaku was trembling which wasn't very zero like. euphemia was glad she didn't wear any dresses today considering her sudden power walk would've caused many accidents for herself and others.

" --- suzaku kururugi!"

"he's dead."

euphemia frowns, inhaling as she restrains herself from snapping. in a way the young woman had an idea of what the man meant, coupled by the therapy papers from his solo sessions -- she knew suzaku was suffering. it didn't however make her feel guilty about telling him her honest to god feelings. euphemia knew that even when suzaku was so much younger he had a habit of getting hurt as a way of self atoning. euphemia briefly wonders how much did he mourn her compared to the anger he lashed onto lelouch.

"well, frankly, suzaku kururugi is alive just like everyone else. stop  _ being a coward _ and turn around to face me!" euphemia's voice rose and she's so tired of being pushed aside and not being taken seriously. lelouch had been the only one to do so before that tragic massacre, so euphemia  **_refuses_ ** to let suzaku get away with anything. she is no longer innocent or naive since being trapped in c's world had done wonders. plus, meeting lelouch there opened up a dam that been wanting to burst ever since.

so as suzaku stops with his body tense, she does as well with her arms folded across her chest. euphemia detests when being treated like a pretty object, so she's oh so willing to put her foot down. if suzaku wanted to be the first one to be subjected to her wrath then let it be so.

euphemia watches him warily as he turns, lips in a thin line when his eyes were red and puffy. had he been crying? she says nothing with arms folded over her chest, watching suzaku with an expectant expression. her patience and kindness would only last so long if she's stretched so thin.

"...  _ i love him _ , euphemia. but i hate what he did to everyone and even you." suzaku finally says as a small, bitter laugh resonates afterwards. euphemia is patient as she simply nods for him to continue since there must be more to say. 

"him being dead was alright for the first few years. i could cope with it. reason with it. but seeing him again made me realize i was incredibly lonely." suzaku curled his hands into fists, glaring at the carpeted floors. "then he saved nunnally, then left with that damn c.c. and was gone for a few more years. so, i was lonely again then he came back dead with c.c. begging me to watch after his lifeless corpse." 

his fists tremble as he inhales deeply through his nose, briefly wondering why he was bothering to tell this to euphemia. it wasn't like she could understand the pain he happened to endure since 2018. but there was a possibility that she did understand -- as if her just slapping him (  _ in the britannian style, those damn pompous pricks _ ) just now indicated as such. suzaku gives her an alarming stare, nearly recoiling back when he sees how downright pissed she looked. 

"you are such a damned hypocrite, suzaku kururugi! you just used me as a reason to abandon all goodwill just to kill one man. and you didn't bother to look at the simple fact that lelouch never really intended to kill me! you ignored reality for the sake of your own ego just to make him suffer for something that was out of his hands!"

suzaku gave her a disbelieving look.

"but he killed you, euphy!"

" _ it's euphemia, suzaku _ ."

" --- but he killed you, euphemia. how can you forgive him for putting a bullet inside of you or making you slaughter so many of the japanese?!"

euphemia  **inhaled deeply** while pinching the bridge of her nose.

"because,  **unlike you** , suzaku. i knew it wasn't on purpose. lelouch never wanted to kill me and he did it, so i wouldn't have to suffer under the curse of geass. and yes, i know about geass because death teaches you a lot of things. and makes me see things i'd rather  _ not _ see." 

suzaku gaped at her, shaken by the intensity she displayed which was nearly on par with lelouch when had to put on a show. guilt struck him even more when she indirectly accused him of using her as an excuse to do the things he had done. that was the reality that suzaku always wanted to deny since hating and being angry was a lot more easier than forgiving lelouch. deep down he knew the truth but just couldn't face it along with the crushing reality that came with it.

but to have euphemia rage at him? suzaku could feel his knees go weak, staring at the young woman he thought he swore he once loved. then it hit him because suzaku knew he wasn't the brightest tool in the shed,  _ or _ the smartest crayon in the box but he also knew that he was drawn to her purity and kindness. there was a point in his life before lelouch regained his memories that he absolutely knew he was filthy and a sinner, unable to really grasp what euphemia represented. 

when she watches suzaku take in her words, euphemia can tell the  _ long lost _ gears inside of his head were finally turning. it must have been sad and lonely to lose your mind and memories being zero but it wasn't an excuse to throw away others. if suzaku wanted to claim he was far better than lelouch, then he needed to stop throwing others underneath him for his own self gratification. but euphemia, being as kind and tender by nature, steps forward to place a gentle hand on his arm. 

it was a pain to look up at suzaku since he had gotten taller over the years. a foot taller than lelouch, even. how strange. but he was trapped in his own delusions that euphemia wonders if she should just tell him?

"stop using me as your reason to hate lelouch, suzaku. you love him and you did since you two were children, right?" she watches as he nodded, his gaze still on the floor. "did you know that lelouch used refrain from time to time?" her voice is quiet now as her hand leaves his arm, suzaku tensing at her inquiry. this was new knowledge to him and wondered if he'd care if he knew years back. 

euphemia turned away from him, "kallen told me. he was depressed and would inject himself when things got bad between you two. as much as i loved you, suzaku, i don't think i can again when you used me for your own hurt ego." and it wasn't like she blames him for everything since suzaku was half of the problem here. 

"... euphemia. how can you forgive lelouch after all that he had done? i'm trying but the memories are still…"

"suzaku kururugi, it is up to you to forgive and attempt to heal yourself. you chose to spiral into this path and chose to sell out your friends. you didn't betray lelouch because of me, but he betrayed you and you returned the favor." 

suzaku watches her leave as his muddled brain takes in those harsh words, a reality once more wanting to break through his protective barriers. his shoulders sag as he remembers c.c. texting him about seeking lelouch and to bring him back from the dead once more. there had been mixtures of hatred and sorrow, his mind battling his pathetic heart. he wants to see lelouch so badly that his dreams were all he had… until julius warned him that one night.

"... if i bring you back, lelouch, people are just going to die again. i'm so sick of the bloodshed."

( but murder is needed, you  _ h y p o c r i t e _ )

( you are nothing but a  _ weak man _ who also causes tragedy )

( stop averting your eyes from the  **t r u t h** , unless you want to die too )

suzaku leans against the wall, a headache forming from the strange words in his mind. the voices were not of his own inner thoughts since they seemed so completely foreign to him. the voices were mocking, almost to the point that his geass would flare when he thought to bash his head in to stop the noise.

( stupid, stupid man. you need to save him )

( the world of c isn't so  **k i n d** )

( when will he atone enough for your delusions ? )

"so what should i do?! he's a monster who did everything and… just because i miss him and love him doesn't excuse…"

( how useless, trying to  **r e a s o n** in a world so grey ! )

( stop trying to outweigh him in virtue, stupid man )

( go and save him!  _ stop being so useless _ ! make a decision once in your life! )

( you are not any better so get off your ass and save  **l e l o u c h** )

( or we will  _ t r a p _ you again and again, in a nightmare you can't  **w a k e** up from )

for once, suzaku shakes himself as he pushes himself off the wall and rushes back to his room with a determined look in his eyes.

\-------

if there was anything suzaku kururugi wasn't, it was that he was not alive. he came to terms with this when discovering that lelouch was indeed zero. the inner turmoil was just the start when the rage and hatred boiled and mixed into a frenzy so hot that it could be described as lava. so, when discovering lelouch had been zero for so long, his last remaining ties to his old life severed and fell apart along with the young boy that he once was.

his gloved fingers grabs the zero mask and stares at it ever so briefly, weighing the pros and cons to take it with him. it wouldn't have mattered since he was considered 'alive' in the masses and he didn't have to wear the suffocating so called symbol of peace. suzaku sets the mask down while grasping the same sword that plunged lelouch in his heart, wondering if the tears he cried then were from the love he killed or something else entirely. in fact, suzaku found it almost ironic when he feels the burning sensation of his right eye. 

suzaku stared at the room that had gathered dust, not once deciding to take care of it since he truly didn't live but --

( get gino's help, for he'll aid an old friend )

( truly remarkable, no one else can compare! )

suzaku frowns as he does consider gino for a moment. a former knight of the round, training akito and his friends. they were a close knit family since years passed and they were nunnally's private guards. it wasn't a surprise that she'd taken a liking to them eventually. who else could he bother to trust when he purposely pushed others away?

( gino! kallen! akito and his dumb friends! )

( c.c. as well, if she  _ c a r e s _ )

( maybe orangey orange ~ )

a lot of people to rely on and suzaku knew that since lancelot's destruction once again -  _ lloyd was beside himself _ \-- he had no other methods to fight. nunnally also wanted cornelia to end knightmare military combat but… the older woman was on house arrest for treason. she had been for so many years that it wouldn't surprise suzaku if she lost her piloting skills.

"boy. i brought them." c.c. announces herself into the room, the shuffling of bodies following. suzaku steels himself mentally before turning to meet the many eyes of the people he considered to take, suddenly feeling very small. they all (  **excluding c.c.** ) looked at him warily with their postures rigid and tense. not that suzaku can truly blame them.

suzaku considers each of them for a moment before finally speaking, " i -- i need your help. i want to bring lelouch back from somewhere." the words tumble from his mouth, knowing that the reaction will be quite loud and explosive.

he wasn't wrong.

the protests ranged from  _ 'why?! he was a monster! _ ' to _ 'what about nunnally's peace?!' _ . 

suzaku doesn't respond as he noticed kallen and c.c. were the ones remaining silent, as they knew he wasn't dead years ago. kallen had refused to speak to him while c.c. stayed with her, in their own little world to be safe in. suzaku is surprised to finally notice rolo in the shadows glaring at him with venom that should've made his blood ice over. but, it didn't. suzaku knew that like lelouch, he was hated but didn't care. 

"i know what i'm asking is probably too much for you to handle. but." suzaku grips the hilt of his sword even tighter, "i need to bring back the one i love, and to have him help stop the previous emperor from destroying life." it sounds so ridiculous when it leaves his mouth, and suzaku could see that c.c. was having a tiny smile on her face. he's not sure if that's good but suzaku chose to brush it off.

gino was the first to speak, "the previous emperor? didn't lelouch kill him just to take the throne and make us love through hell?" the way lelouch tore down the noble systems caused panic and the knight of rounds were alarmed to lose such precious seatings.

suzaku shook his head. 

"charles had… plans. he wanted to kill God, with some weird plan. he wanted a world with no lies, a world that would kill everyone in the process."  **_once again_ ** , it sounded so fucking ridiculous that suzaku tried not to laugh. now that he had time to look back it had been a wonder how it all seemed possible -- the sword of akasha, v.v. and his immortality, bloody c.c. and the cursed geass. it sounded so painfully like a children's story that he wants to scream to the heavens.

if this was a damned fairytale did that mean he and lelouch were the  **romeo and juliet** ? to forever be star crossed lovers and end only in tragedy and tears? well, fuck fate and fuck the status quo. he came to realize he was just fucking done with the world and god messing with his life and lelouch's.

"and i need help because charles will be there with marianne."

"excuse me -- did you say lady marianne? i thought she was long dead." gino gave him a confused expression, and so did kallen because she hadn't been there to witness it. akito, leila, ryo ayano and yuyika seemed interested though it was subtle. it was just the juicy britannian gossip that caught their attention and damned if they skipped out on it.

suzaku watched as they -  _ excluding c.c. and surprised that rolo was attentively listening _ \- stared at him to continue, wanting to know the full story.

so suzaku sat on his bed, lacing his fingers together and then opened his mouth to explain what he could remember.

meanwhile, in the c's world?

lelouch groans quietly despite there being no sound, wondering why julius had been silent for so many years. it drove him a little mad to know his extremely haughty and horny other half was quiet, as if the c's world hushed him. that couldn't be since they spoke before he returned to his body.

_ julius _ he tries to call out but to no avail. lelouch wiped the tears that fell down his cheeks, feeling his soul scream when little by little his body was vanishing. even if it took time for him to understand julius and his own mental state, lelouch didn't truly want to be alone. 

not even if he were to disappear and die, lelouch wanted to have someone familiar there to witness it happen. lelouch knew he just wants to apologize to those that got caught in his mess, and to apologize to suzaku for being the mistake he called him. hell, at least suzaku and charles got something right.

lelouch couldn't even feel hands on his back, stroking his bony spine as he cried. yes, he deserves to be in hell for being such a shitty friend but that wasn't what he desired. lelouch couldn't give up suzaku out of everyone else that he cares for but now he wonders if this was his final atonement for euphemia's death.

at least he wouldn't feel the pain as charles' hand grabbed his hair roughly, dragging him out of the dark sphere. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave comments and kudos ♡ arc 1 is almost done.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and arc 1 is done with this chapter~ 
> 
> arc 2 is being worked on and is suzaku's pov. enjoy!

_ yes, it runs in your blood to betray the ones you love. _

\---------

suzaku's hands tremble when he grasps the pilot controls, knowing it'd attract attention from the other unified nations. he didn't care. suzaku needed to try to get to that damn world again just to save lelouch. c.c. seemed rather pleased that he was taking initiative without obeying orders from the empress or… lelouch's dying wish.

borderline on thirty years of age, he could feel the aching in his bones. he tends to ignore it, tends to ignore the pain in his joints. old age or not there was the order to 'live'.

[  _ suzaku, are you sure you have to be taking a normal knightmare? it's no lancelot. _ ]

he flinches when cécile's voice echo in his communicator, breathing in deeply. right. she and lloyd were aware of this too. they even sent akito ahead to the island to scout before he followed. they all knew he was nervous.

"i can manage. i'm hoping i don't need to fight until i get on the island. akito's enough for handling opposition before i get there." or rather, akito was too pleased to be in action and to stretch his muscles on the battlefield. 

[  _ alright, we just sent kallen and ashley to guard you. we can't lose you. _ ]

suzaku almost grimaced when the older woman says that. cécile knew nothing about the live order and he can't lash out at her for her careless words. lloyd didn't know as well, since it wouldn't benefit him. 

"thank you, i'll keep that in mind." 

\---------

kallen sighs, popping the knots in her back as she waits with ashley in the outskirts of britannia where the sea transportation made their trade routes. since nunnally reigned, she changed trade routes, took down and rebuilt certain landmarks and factories. hell, she was still trying to learn the new maps and being thirty or so didn't help. 

she was just grateful she was still in great shape, school days long gone while commanding the black knights as their ace. 

"ashley, i'm surprised you even decided to care to do this. you don't know lelouch." then again she doesn't either, for the damn guy was still a mystery to her. 

[  _ honestly? i'm just so damned bored and i get to meet this oh so famous demon emperor that made the world hate him. _ ]

kallen snorts behind her hand when he says that, grinning just a tad. wouldn't those guys from euro-britannia be shocked to find out that lelouch was just a highschool student fresh in his 18's that never got beyond that? it was a miracle when suzaku still wanted and loves him after everything he had done.

she was a foolish warrior back then. kallen thought she knew what war was like but she hid behind those rose colored glasses to just soften the pain. it took suzaku stabbing lelouch in the heart for her to realize what war really is.

lelouch was war himself, burning like wildfire with his flames reaching the corners of the globe. you can't touch fire without getting burned and it explained why lelouch didn't tell the black knights everything.

he didn't want them to get burnt in which he allowed them to turncoat. she had forgiven him since then but the wound still hurt. kallen wasn't cold as ice.

"i think you'll be surprised, he's a man of mystery." 

she finds it soothing when ashley's barking laughter was his response, the anxiety of waiting lessening in her gut. it had been hard to talk about lelouch since she never knew which of him to speak of, but she recalls c.c.'s words.

_ 'he is all of them. britannia, lamperouge, demon emperor and zero.' _

there was something soothing when ( her now ex lover ) c.c. informs her. perhaps that's why the immortal took it harder when lelouch died, just as suzaku did.

[ _ i'll take my chances, old woman _ . ]

"excuse you, grandpa."

they both laugh, turning their knightmares when suzaku finally arrived.

\---------

"stop squirming, lelouch. it'll just make things difficult." marianne scolds her foolish son as he attempts to get away, despite being intangible. she's not sure how charles' ignorant younger brother managed to grab hold of him, both brothers chaining lelouch against the sphere.

_ darkness _ , where many wore their masks in hopes to hide their lies. the three still wanted that world even if it meant destroying all that nunnally has done. her 'peace' was nothing but her own ideal and forced upon, where many had to obey the laws.

not acceptable! only the connection can be as the supreme solution and lelouch was considered dead to bring it about.

"i  _ refuse _ to let you do such a thing! you cannot take away my pain and sorrow, again!" he barks, struggling as the darkness overwhelms him. his body was whole once more since his damned father and uncle ripped him out of his prison. 

if suzaku had only his rage then by default lelouch had his sorrow. 

"what an annoying boy. or, girl. you never were one to keep to your gender." charles snorted, as his wife smiles thinly at lelouch.

"you would have been...a wonderful princess."

lelouch shivers at their jabbing comments and he couldn't help but want to curl into himself. gender was always a sensitive spot to him ever since he chose to try to appear male. suzaku was the first to support his decision but ever since euphemia…

lelouch wanted to cry. 

he thought he was over this. he thought he was over the whole issue where suzaku chose happiness with his little half sister, but he obviously wasn't. she had curves while he was too thin and --

"poor, poor lelouch. the love of your life choosing someone else over you." marianne chuckles behind her knuckles, v.v. laughs cruelly.

they'd never understand how much he wanted suzaku to join him, even if it meant to spill blood and become the greater evil. lelouch wants to hide his disgusting, shameful body. he wants to go back into the dark sphere he's imprisoned on but he cannot. 

they won't let him, and he gasps as v.v. drags the tip of a knife where his slowly disappearing code was located. he's prideful. he won't shed tears as they torture him until they take his code; or whats left of it. v.v. laughs even more as the crimson drips down the brat's chest to stain the illusion of a perfect white canvas. 

" **brother** ,  **_oh brother_ ** . look at this." v.v. laughs as the blood trickles down lelouch's stomach, a crimson trail dried and angry. lelouch closes his eyes to get away from their stares and satisfied looks and that humiliation is strong.

if they were going to use his code, they should've given him the decency of painless death instead of this…

… but lelouch knew better than to ask for a break.

\---------

julius was screaming in heated anger when he watches v.v. make their body bleed, to feel lelouch afraid and humiliated. he scratches fingers against the glass barrier that prevents him from reaching lelouch, snarling that the c's world blocked them.

angry, he's so angry. he once thought his father was the entire world and believed he was just but this was proof. julius had a deep nagging feeling in his gut that he was wrong and this? oh, it just proves it. 

he pounds the glass as he watches. angry. pissed. a seething forest fire that was exploding and spreading. julius was being contained in which wasn't possible and he's screaming -- more than he's used to. julius wants to punch his  **so called** father in the face, snap that so called bitch of a  _ mother's _ neck.

and that stupid kid that is so god damned creepy and staring at him as if he could see him --

" _ what are you staring at _ ?! leave him alone!" julius snarls. v.v. just has the gall to laugh and it enrages him extremely, wanting to pull at his stupid long hair and snap his neck. to break those bones. but julius can't and he wants to do something,  _ anything _ to get out of this hell. julius curses lelouch for getting them into this situation and he curses suzaku for being such a douchebag. 

a hot douchebag but a douchebag nonetheless.

julius thinks he deserves a break too, and he knows that he's going to have a lovely conversation whenever he sees suzaku again.

if they ever get there, if he manages to tear apart throats of these damn people. old, ugly and such an eyesore. well.  _ well _ . fuck. might as well make some kind of miracle bloody happen consdering that's their damn brand. so, he just  _ smiles gleefully _ at v.v. who just stares at him. confused, obviously. good.

a  _ coy smile _ now as violet eyes glimmer in thought, watching as charles gets the damn immortal's attention. yes.  **perfect** . julius knows he has to find a way around this checkmate and to do so, c's world was a perfect opportunity for him. if he must he will, and willingly wanting to fuck over the so called father that used him. 

revenge is delicious. he doesn't know how long he'll need but he knows he must hurry.

because god is going to fucking listen to him and god will **regret** _ignoring_ someone like him.

\---------

"it's still creepy the first time i been here." kallen mused as they finally land on the island where hell broke loose all those years ago. she releases the cockpit, sighing when her back was aching. this island sure brought back memories that weren't exactly too fond. it's where zero's identity was revealed, after all.

as she stretches her arms over her head, she glances at ashley and suzaku; who were also leaving their own knightmares. ashley let out a yawn while suzaku seemed to be staring ahead where that damned temple would be. he must have been really determined to bring back lelouch after killing him a  _ second time _ \-- something she will have to discuss with him later.

"this place is pretty boring. are you sure the guys gonna be here?"

"not  _ here _ . but it leads us to where we need to go." 

suzaku hops off his borrowed knightmare, knowing c.c. was waiting for him. akito should be here as well, already ahead and keeping the area safe. c.c. did warn him that charles had already gotten here before them and. well. he's sure that meeting would go swimmingly.

"hey, it seems akito and c.c. finally made it." kallen announces as she got the update from c.c. on her transceiver, giving the two men a brief glance. this was good news, everything was going to plan. maybe a bit too easy but. kallen supposes it was better to be easy first. 

"we go now. we already wasted time getting here." suzaku inhales. he was nervous, his age probably catching up to his mind. despite the youthful appearance his aging bones always protest as he wasn't a well oiled machine. his right eye burns of the geass given to him upon his contract with lelouch but he doesn't have time to brood. 

it's a blur on the way there. nothing to confront them thanks to akito's handiwork but it doesn't ease the anxiety in his two companions. both were warriors, soldiers and honestly. he can't ever blame them.

"about time. i was wondering if you got lost." c.c. was perched on akito's knightmare and suzaku takes note of the small smile. she's pleased. pleased that he's going to bring back her favorite boy, pleased to regain her experiences back. but suzaku refuses to let c.c. take him away again because -- because lelouch had always been his, even if the two destroyed their former selves and.

_ he's mine _ were the unspoken words that reached his eyes, c.c. staring at him with a brow raised.  _ about time _ came the roll of amber eyes as she shrugs her thin shoulders. 

suzaku released a heavy breath as he glanced over to the other two, who were catching up with akito. it reminds suzaku briefly of old days in which pain hits his chest.

"because you aren't really zero. you can never be what lelouch created." c.c. says, standing next to him and gently taking his hand into hers. suzaku blinks. her hand was small in his, possibly smaller than lelouch's. it seems immortality doesn't make you any less fragile.

"not even lelouch was completely zero. zero was just a name to hide who he was, the true lelouch underneath the lies he had to tell." she guides him to the ruins, memories that both of them can't ever forget. one that led to an ultimate betrayal while one led to ultimate inner peace.

suzaku briefly closes his eyes, knowing he can't ever forget but. he can't forgive himself either. 


End file.
